A big confrontation over his porn

[Greeneyed Girl]

Well it's been a long time coming and it didn't happen the way I thought it would. We had talked about it in the past he confessed that he used to have a problem but that he doesn't anymore. I didn't understand at the time that it just doesn't go away, so when I suspected him of using and spoke to him about it he would get angry and nasty.

So I would just let it go, too afraid to confront him because I thought that he would leave me. But it affects me so badly, it was destroying me. So I decided that I had to let him know how I was feeling. So I was writing things down in a note book to clarify what I was thinking and how I was feeling. And let me tell you some of it wasn't very nice at all, but it was private and I would never have spoken to him like that I was just venting privately.

Well here's what happened next, He decided to go through my private book and have a read...needless to say it wasn't pretty, he said some nasty stuff. He has denied it all saying it's all in my head and I'm the one with the problem. I've made it clear that I love him and want to work things out, but I'm not to sure about what he'll do next. I'm thinking he'll leave me, however he came to bed last night which suprised me, normally when we argue he sleeps in the spare bedroom...and this was a HUGE argument.

So I'm wanting some opinions and advice on what you think he will do and what I should do.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[JenMac]

HI GreenEyedGirl!
I am sorry that you are dealing with this in your life! It is a sad thing that this addiction affects so many in this traumatic way.
GEG, I think that you should try to get your thoughts and feelings together. That is what I needed to do in the beginning. I had to decide what it was I could live with and what I could not, and what I was prepared to do about it. Now for me, that happened pretty quickly because I knew I could not live with this in my life and still feel safe, respected and loved. I knew living with this would destroy my self worth and respect.
Then I had to do some thinking about what I might do if he had decided to continue or to not commit to recovery. And if that had happened I would have had to put a plan together.
I am sorry that your privacy was invaded GEG. I am sorry that the huge argument happened. But perhaps it was a way of bringing it out into the open to be dealt with so that it can be resolved one way or another.
Take care of you, start thinking of your own wellbeing GEG! That is so important through all of this.
Set your boundaries. Do it for you!!
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[Greeneyed Girl]

Thanks JenMac, but it hasn't really bought it out in the open because he denied everything! I know that this is something I can't accept in my life, it has destroyed my self worth and how I see myself as a woman. I have accepted so much of his bad behaviour because I love him so much and don't want to be without him.

I was feeling strong this morning thinking that if he wants to go it's not a big deal to me as I had reached my limit. But now I'm starting to think of all the good things and the reasons I love him and I'm starting to crumble a bit around the edges. I want to stay strong for me, so I can say you can't do this to me anymore.

I'm expecting him home soon and I think he will tell me he's leaving and I have to remain strong enough to let him go....it hurts like hell and I wonder why he can't love me enough to say goodbye to porn and invest in our relationship.

[JenMac]

HI GEG!
I am sorry you are feeling so conflicted about all of this. I am sorry you have to make these difficult decisions.
You are worried that he will leave you without you making any demands on him? I am afraid that sounds like he has a lot of power in this relationship that you don't feel you have. If he is holding this over your head then how can that be a healthy relationship? A healthy relationship is built on love, honesty and respect. It fosters equality within it as well.
I know that it is so very difficult to think of leaving the one we love, of living life without them but when I thought of continuing on in a life with P in it, there was no choice for me to make. I could not have done it GEG. I know who I am and I know I could not have done it.
I hope you can find that strength within yourself GEG, to love yourself enough to make decisions in your best interest, to stand up for your needs. You are so worth it!!
I am praying for you GEG!
Hugs!
Jenn

[StollenHeart]

I am also sorry you are dealing with this GEG! Us SO girls need each other to vent and share, you know you are not alone throught this!
The ladies are right, you stay strong to YOU. You have to take care of yourself. I understand you want to be able to work things out and help him, and it is difficult when it is one sided (I am there right now too). Whatever your PA decides, what path he takes with or without you is sadly up to him and his addiction. Trust yourself and your heart and stay strong! You are not alone through this. >:D<

big hugs your way!
God Bless
SH

[rosie]

He is scared of losing you and he can't look at himself - he is not honest about his addiction. Blame and denial prioritise the PA over you, sorry to say - he would rather save face than give you what you need (the truth). This is the cycle of PA.

And it hurts LIKE HELL, and I know - and I am so sorry you are going through this.

Look, I am going to cut to the chase here. You can't control him. Be yourself, do your own thing, set yourself up so that you are independent and leave his decisions up to him.

If you can't handle p in your life, and he is unwilling to be honest about his using it, then, you have a choice to make. Stay with the p, or set yourself free.

Unfortunately, the hard work needs to be done by him... and not you. I think its cruel that your partner went through your journal (guilty conscience?), and I think it's disgraceful that he threw it in your face, blamed you and made out you are crazy and paranoid - and all just to save his ass. This is disgusting behavior (typical of PA) and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

Don't ever stop speaking about your dissatisfaction. You have a right to your own thoughts and he should not be cramming his PA down your throat - that is NOT loving.