Need advice from the guys

[StollenHeart]

I need some feedback form the guys if thats okay?
Its only been about 6 weeks since I caught my H and he admitting to his addiction.
I am in with him and want to help him, this is a together fight! I have done all sorts of research, bought books, got internet blocker for our computer, found counsellors and even made appts for us to go (he cancelled them). Every week I ask him if he has had any relapses, he says he has been "good" and swears he isnt lying-but of course I dont trust that but keep telling him "thats GREAT!" >:D< But lately I feel like we are getting distant again and I cant help but to be cold towards him and just not into any affection and I have no idea why! I love him to peices and want him to try harder for us but he just isnt, its like he is in denial or something.
Anyways, I have revamped my own future goals etc to hekp us out through this...
what I really want to know is what he may be feeling or doing, maybe get some advice from other PA's and what you have been through? Is this normal behaviour? Am I being to pushy and involved? I have been getting advise from the womans side etc but a guys perspective would be awesome!

Thanks and God Bless!
SH:-s

[Winston811]

Hi StollenHeart,

I think its great that you want to support your H with his PA problem.

I`m not sure what advice to give as every situation is different, and you need to do what is best for your relationship.

Every week I ask him if he has had any relapses, he says he has been "good" and swears he isnt lying-but of course I dont trust that but keep telling him "thats GREAT!"

I think in this situation you need to be honest with him. If you find him hard to believe, its because he has given you very good reason not to trust him. My SO asks me all the time whether I have been good, but she also reveals that she cant really believe me because I have lied so many times about it. I`m ok with this and it fuels me to try even harder, because I want to show her, and for her to believe me not because I tell her, but because she can see.

He needs your help, and he needs you to be there for him, but you need to be honest with your feelings about how much he is hurting you. If he is in denial then he will probably not be able to stop his actions. its was only when I realised how much damage I was doing and how close I came to losing my SO that it clicked and I started to make real progress.

The support my SO gave me was slapping me in the face and waking me up to the reality of the situation, it wasnt patting me on the back and telling me everything is ok.

Having said that every situation is different so you need to decide for yourself what is the best approach, but I hope that perpective is informative.

Good luck in your journey.

Winston

[Zachary]

What you're feeling right now sounds pretty normal to me. If you're suspicious, ask him questions directly. Dig into the issue. He's saying hes been "good"? Ask him how he's doing it? What has he been doing to not have relapses? Is he just abstaining? Or is he proactively helping himself, building upon the support you're already providing? I ask this because for too long, I just let my SO do all the research, give me all the facts, and because I was abstaining, I thought things would just get better. But, even though I wasn't looking at P, I wasn't dealing with the root causes and remaining psychological effects of my addiction. While I never relapsed, I wasn't really getting better, either. I'm not pleased to hear he canceled those appointments. He has to be as involved in his recovery as you are, if not more so. Otherwise it just won't work. He may be feeling great, like he's fixed everything, but this addiction roots itself deeper than he may realize. Talk to him, ask him specifics and make sure he's doing his share of the work. I wish you the best of luck in this.

[stillandagain]

Thank you, SH for asking this question.
It is one I, too, have wanted to ask the PA's.

[2frustrated]

Many men like to feel independent. When a wife is very persistent about an issue, the message is, "I don't trust your independence." Thus the man sees the wife's concern as "nagging." Try to find a way to encourage him that at the same time validates his independence. Whatever you do or say, the message must be communicated that you trust him as a man to do what is right, that you trust that he knows what to do.

Here's a rough example: "Honey, I know that you're intelligent enough and have the willpower to take steps in the right direction. It would just help me if you let me know sometimes what you've been doing. I'm not checking on you. I trust you. It would just make me feel better to have some details sometimes."

For some reason us men have ego issues, and need our egos stroked. By speaking to him in this way, you are building his ego while at the same time working toward his recovery. You're addressing the issue in non-threatening "I feel" terms, rather than accusatory terms of distrust.

[Mac]

Hi! Stolen Heart

I too commend you for wanting to stand by your H and work on this addiction together. I feel like this is absolutely the very best approach for a successful path to recovery for both of you. However to be honest I have a few concerns about the rest of your approach.
You say you did some research, again this is great and very important for you to be able to understand what you are up against. You bought the books, installed a filter, made the appointment with the councillor, this is not really up to you to do. You are not the one with the addiction. I guess I am wondering what your H has done for himself? You see someone that is truly serious about getting free of an addiction that you say he has admmitted to, should be looking for this kind of thing himself. I am certainly not saying that you shouldn't help him with some suggestions, but he has to take some ownership for where he has been and where he intends to go with this.
You are feeling uneasy about things because you aren't seeing anything from him at this point that makes you feel comfortable with his resolve to change. At this point really all he has done is tell you he feels he has a problem and that he has stopped the behaviour. Just admitting you have a problem won''t take you anywhere.
I know for me when i was getting started in my recovery it took me a while to grasp onto the magnitude of the situation and to do the things for myself that you have already done, but when I did do these things it was something that my wife could see and a means for me to show her I was doing something. For sure though my wife passed along information that she thought would be helpful to me but it was completely left up to me to install the blocker, set up a councillor, order books etc.
Has he checked out this website? Lots of PA's here with a good positive working program of recovery that he could converse with, or just read about if he chooses.
As for your approach with your H I am going to have to disagree with 2 frustrated (sorry 2F) At this point in your journey I feel it is a little early for you to be telling him that he has your trust because it is very obvious that the trust is not there for you yet nor should it be. I do agree that you need to be telling him how you feel and what you need from him and you need to do this in a clear way. What I found worked for me was that Jenn just sat me down and laid it all out there, what her expectations and needs were going to be for this. She had decided what she could live with and I knew in no uncertain terms what I needed to do to save my marriage. That, I felt, gave me someplace to start from. So I would encourage you to look within yourself and be sure you understand what your boundaries are and what your expectations of your H are and again be clear in expressing yourself.
I appologize for being so long winded, buit just wanted to pass along my thoughts

All the Best
Mac

[chasman62]

This is a really difficult thread to respond to because you want to be encouraging, supportive, positive....and yet you just have that horrible uneasy feeling that all is not right and that what you are expressing is legitimate concern.

From your post it seems that you caught him and confronted him and so he could hardly deny what he was doing, and it also sounds as if everything since then has been driven by you with almost no attempt by him to do anything proactive or to demonstrate to you that he is in any way serious about changing his behavior.

I dont see anything in there that looks like someone committed to recovery. I see someone who is going through the motions until things calm down and who then will go right back to using again (if he isnt already).

Oh and sorry 2f but I am totally with Mac on this one. You should feel no problem about laying down exactly what you need to feel that you can trust him at all, and if he balks at any of it then again that is a strong indication that he is not serious about changing his behavior. I didnt deserve my SOs trust and indeed abused it liberally for years. It was that absence of any consequences to my behavior that allowed me to make the easy choice of continuing to use.

Chas

[StollenHeart]

I just typed a long reply to everyone and it was accidently deleted! Aaarrrg lol!


I did catch my H, he later told me he had no intension of ever telling me about his addiction. Even though its only been 6weeks since he was caught, and i know we have a long ways to go, I wanted to get my facts straight right away. Thats why I did research and read books. Mostly for my sake, so I could understand what he may be going through and I needed to confirm my own emotions and see if everything was somewhat normal (reaction wise). I felt so defeated and like my heart was ripped from my chest. I thought our marriage was good-normal, there was a "shadow" looming I always felt it, but other than that I thought we were good.
So needless to say when I caught him and he broke down and admitted everything I fell apart.
But you know, it is also a blessing is disguise. It woke me up to reality, how we were living, how things can happen out of the blue, good or bad.
I just wish he had the passion to want to fight this as much as I do. I dont want to be a nagging wife lol, and be too pushy and irritating so I do keep my thoughts and questions to a minimum, but all that seems to be doing is putting a wall up between us. I want to talk about it and he wants to ignore everything and just pretend everything is normal. Its very frustrating sometimes. I love him I just wish he would wake up.

Anyways, lol, I just wanted to give a huge thank you to all of you for your replies, I really really appreciate the awesome feedback! Winston I am going to take your advice on the "thats great". Zachary and Mac...everyone you all have helped me and made my day better thank you!
I also hope this helps some SO's (stillandagain). >:D<
Thank you!

Bless us all on our recoveries!
SH