Really Damn Mad!

[Mrs Black]

Just a little bit of feedback please, anyone who can.

Does anyone else get really mad about some of the scenarios in the posts on the forum?

I am very new at this - and i know that i still have a lot of anger to deal with (in regard to me and my husbands PA situation), but when i read SO's posts and their PA's blatently disrespecting them by being arrogant (about letting them down, or blaming them for the PA, or slipping into using p right in front of them), I just want to scream!!

I don't reply to these posts because I get so enraged about what is happening and how this SO is feeling (obviously triggers my issues...) that I want to 'wade in' and tell her exactly what I think of what the PA is doing and how she should deal with it.....certainly, i know, not my place.... I always feel that if you dont have anything constructive to say, dont say anything.

I just wanted to know if anyone else had/still has this problem - or whether I am just way too raw to be looking through the forums?! i wonder if it will ever get easier?

Angel blessings.

[Crisodian]

Mrs,
It happens to me too. It's really emotional to read what so many here go through. There are highs, lows, anger, frustration...and so, So, SO much more.

There has been (more than a few) times I typed a post and wiped it out before I hit submit, when responding to someone eles' struggle, venting my own anger and frustration for their situation.

This is going to sound weird, but in a way I think that's what is so important and powerful about this place. By sharing in other's stories, even if reading and biting our tongue and NOT responding, we still share the story and the emotion and the burden.

Just remember to try not to hang on to the emotions as your own, or transfer them on to your own situation. There were a few times in the past when I would carry the anger from another SO's story with me. I had to learn to let that go and accept, while I may have a strong opinion about someone else's choices, they are their choices. I can't change them or make them for them, even if their situation is horrible and they deserve so much better than what they tolerate and accept in their lives.

Find peace,
~C~

[Mrs Black]

Thank you so much for responding - I do feel as you say you have in the past (and sometime still do). There are very powerful emotions at play on this site and I know i allow myself to take on a lot of other SO's feelings aswell as my own. I will try to guard against that in the future.

It's good to know that there is a way through it. Thanks again >:D<

Angel blessings.

[TrueBlue]

Just remember to try not to hang on to the emotions as your own, or transfer them on to your own situation.

I do this sometimes. Sometimes it is pain because a PA is acting in a way that reminds me of hurt I have experienced. Sometimes it jealousy because someone seems to have progress that I don't. Sometimes it is frustration because a PA or SO just doesn't see the destruction they are causing. Sometimes it is sadness because people are hateful without even seeming to give a second thought.

For me, if I am in a delicate emotional place, it's a gamble to read. Funnily enough, some of my empathetic responses to other people's plights have sparked some of the best conversations I have ever had with my husband.

Like Cris said too, a lot of times I'll start a post, or think a post that I just can't put, because it would be disrespectful, mean, or just plain not helpful.

Hang in there, being aware of where your emotions are coming from is a great step towards feeling better!

All the best,
TB

[rosie]

Mrs black, I think this shows you are empathetic - it is not your failing.

These things are raw. I remember when I posted something my husband searched for, a mod had to delete it because it was violating site rules, but a few people pm'd me and told me they were SO ANGRY at what he was doing, and I was a little surprised because they were people who I felt were pretty "healed" from all this stuff. It just goes to show that these wounds are deep and by seeing it happen in other people, it rips into our own wounds sometimes.

A few months ago I told someone her husband is a jerk for what he is doing - and I shouldn't have. I just got SO ANGRY - she was pregnant and he was being horrible, and it really really upset me.

I think it's hard to contain it sometimes....but I always say that real feelings and anger to me is more welcomed than passive aggression. I am an angry person, my husband is a passive-aggressive person - so he will say things to me which are hurtful but they are hidden behind a veil of "nice words". I hate this more than I hate people expressing real anger and real feelings.

[Beanhead]

I'm going to add my own 2 cents worth...

This is one of the issues that I've thought about since stillandagain and I joined this website. I think she hinted about it in a thread called "Triggers..."

For me, personally, when I read other people's stories here, I feel a very profound sadness. I recognize that the stories the SOs share are the very things I've done to my wife. And it makes me so sad!

I then feel angry at that SO's H for what they've done; then again I realize that I can't be angry at them because I've done the same thing. My anger then turns against myself.

The other thought I have about this issue is that I think stillandagain also gets affected by other's stories, gets angry or sad, and brings these emotions home. Those emotions can be helpful at times (in beginning conversations) but they are not helpful other times because they mask OUR own issues; our own emotions are pushed aside so that we can deal with the feelings brought on by what we've read.

It can be a very complicated thing, in my opinion.

[stillandagain]

"complicated" indeed, especially when there is a clash of perspective. Complicate that with a history of perpetual lying, and it is not surprising that the first impulse is to hide or blame. Which leads to my first impulse: anger and hurt.

while this roller coaster is complicated for a PA-SO couple, I feel so grateful that we are here together. This site helps us hear each other differently. We weren't hearing each other very well the other way, so I believe that this must be an improvement, even though is just hurts so damn much.

It helps us to hear from other couples who are making it through the flame to the other side of all this. about the feelings and challenges and hope expressed.

[Mrs Black]

Thanks so much all, for taking the time to respond to this thread. I find it so hard to read others posts sometimes - all of my emotions are still so raw and i feel like I want to literally scream when i read some posts.

It's good to know that I'm not alone in my extreme reactions - and good, also, to know that there will come a time I will be able to respond to posts without losing my cool.

Thank you.

Angel Blessings.