Where is the line between support and enabling?

[rosie]

Where is the line?

I have noted that on here many people continue to enable "slipups" by smoothing it over like its no big deal. People dont accept truth because its too hard, and this is glossed over.

When does 'support' become enabling? Because I am seeing enabling happening on these forums - there has been a shift that wasn't here even months ago.

We have seen many successful recoveries on here, some had slipups sure, some didn't - I am not saying a slipup defines success, but when someone recurrently acts out and they are told that it's fine, instead of being told hard facts, isn't this enabling?

Support is all well and good, but if truth is sacrificed then its false support.

Where is the line?

[hellron]

Where is the line?

I think the line is pretty easy to see - that which assists in stopping the root behaviour and solving the core problems is support. That which allows it to continue in any way, shape or form is enabling.

I think the line can appear to get blurry, as dissecting the situation to work out whether it's removing or reinforcing the behaviour and feelings is the tricky bit

- HR

[stillandagain]

In these early weeks for us here, I have asked myself this same question. I am disturbed by the amount of enabling I have done. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame myself for my PA H's addiction and related behaviors. Also, as said before, the "slip-up" language bothers me and feels like an enabling trigger. I hope and pray, for my sake and his and ours that RINO prevails!i

[rosie]

In these early weeks for us here, I have asked myself this same question. I am disturbed by the amount of enabling I have done. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame myself for my PA H's addiction and related behaviors. Also, as said before, the "slip-up" language bothers me and feels like an enabling trigger. I hope and pray, for my sake and his and ours that RINO prevails!i

The slipup or 'relapse' words annoy me too. It makes it sound like an illness, which it isn't. Sounds like an excuse sometimes.

[Phil413]

The slipup or 'relapse' words annoy me too. It makes it sound like an illness, which it isn't. Sounds like an excuse sometimes.

Hi Rosie. You might find this interesting. It's from Wikipedia under "relapse":

A relapse (etymologically, "who falls again") occurs when a person is affected again by a condition that affected him in the past. This could be a medical or psychological condition such as depression, an eating disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, multiple sclerosis, cancer or an addiction to a drug and or substance abuse.

For example, if someone who had problems with alcohol were to give up alcohol and then later start drinking again, this drinking might be considered a relapse. It is different from a slip or lapse in that it implies a return to previous behaviour patterns, as opposed to a one-time occurrence.

Like you, I've considered the word "slip" to be too mild (though I admit I do use it sometimes). I've preferred the word "relapse," because it seemed appropriately serious. In light of the above definitions, though, I'm starting to think that "slip" really is the appropriate word to describe a one-time kind of thing, as opposed to a full-blown "relapse" where the person says "to heck with it" and goes on a binge for awhile.

Phil

[rosie]

Hi Rosie. You might find this interesting. It's from Wikipedia under "relapse":



Like you, I've considered the word "slip" to be too mild (though I admit I do use it sometimes). I've preferred the word "relapse," because it seemed appropriately serious. In light of the above definitions, though, I'm starting to think that "slip" really is the appropriate word to describe a one-time kind of thing, as opposed to a full-blown "relapse" where the person says "to heck with it" and goes on a binge for awhile.

Phil

Hi Phil :) I know that the term is literally appropriate. It just irks me - particularly when it is persistent -eg: someone is acting out twice a week, that is not a slip, that is not a relapse, that is reckless abandon or failure to plan and analyse properly in the first place.

[Phil413]

Hi Phil :) I know that the term is literally appropriate. It just irks me - particularly when it is persistent -eg: someone is acting out twice a week, that is not a slip, that is not a relapse, that is reckless abandon or failure to plan and analyse properly in the first place.

Yeah, I totally agree with that. I'm firmly in the "relapse is not an option" camp. If, God forbid, I ever MB or look at P again I'll consider it an abject failure and a tragedy.

I do understand the need to be positive and to not let a relapse be so demoralizing that it totally derails a recovery, but I think some guys take their efforts to "look on the bright side" a bit far. I've seen guys say things like, "Gee, I only acted out once a week for the past three months, so, really, I've been clean for 78 of the past 90 days!"

Now, if that guy used to act out every day, it might be a real improvement that he's "only" acting out once a week now, but still. That's the wrong emphasis, in my opinion. A slip is never inevitable, and I think it should never be seen as acceptable, no matter how infrequent.

Phil

[stillandagain]

a "one-time kind of thing"

again, this sounds like self-deception and the language of enabling

[Phil413]

a "one-time kind of thing"

again, this sounds like self-deception and the language of enabling

I suppose it could be, if it were used to minimize or excuse a fall. Still, there is a difference between an action that is an aberration and an action that is habitual. What language would you use to denote that difference?

Phil

[JenMac]

How about the word 'choice'?
It is indeed a choice. It is not an accident or a slip. It is a deliberate choice.
Albeit that choice may be made under trying circumstances but it is a choice. Slip indicates an accident or something unintended. But when you go back to P, no matter how difficult the circumstances, are you not making a choice?

Jenn