A question for PA/SO Couples

[stillandagain]

We are new to this site.

Already I hesitate to be completely honest with what I am feeling, and asking for help. Yesterday my PA H responded to one of my posts, in my personal email. Came out of the blue for me, didn't know he was responding to my ttf post.

Talk to me about "snooping" on each other here, please.

Can you help me with this dynamic, and setting "ground rules."
Do you reply within each other's threads or posts?

I NEED to be able to say what I feel somewhere, without filtering myself because I know he will be reading and angry or hurt.

Filtering myself feels like enabling, and again shutting myself down.

God only knows, he needs to stop filtering himself, too.

Can you help us?

[FoolishMind]

Hi Stillandagain,

This is something differs from one couple to the next. It is ultimately down to what you both want. For my personal relationship, I started by reading my wifes journal, but did not respond, to let her have her own outlet, and in the same way, she did for me. as our recovery progressed, we then began to converse and comment within each others journals. I think its very important for you to maintain your journal, and have that well needed outlet, and your husband SHOULD read it, and of course it will hurt, but he has to hear it and continue to realise the depth of hurt he has caused, only that will make him think, and then he can discuss his feelings about how hard it is to hear what your writing in HIS journal.

That how I see the journals used to its best.

FM

[stillandagain]

Thank you for this reply.

What about threads and posts? It is wise for us to "follow each other around." It seems a symptom of a problem with communicating directly with each other.

We are new, and this is hard.

[rosie]

The others on here didnt agree with me on this.

I initally never read my husbands journal - out of respect for him. Also, I felt that he would use his journal to 'pretend' for my benefit and I wanted none of that. I asked him not to read mine, as I wanted a space that I could vent without repercussions lol.

He read mine, and I didn't read his, initially. Then he told me he wants me to read his, but I still didn't want him to read mine - he did anyway.

I have changed my mind now though - I think that in any real recovery you need to be open, raw, and honest and the other person being able to read it is great, in my opinion. The thing I like about text is that you can go back over it with a different approach - if you are too angry or emotional to digest it at the time, you can refer back to it later.
I also like that you can see progress over time - and see any new insights, etc.

It is up to you two what you do though. There was one person on here who sent me an angry pm after I told his fiance that I would not marry him until he's recovered - I think that is WAY over the line and controlling, and I would never do that and if my HB did that I would be really pissed off.

So, in closing, we started off having rules that he ignored - so it didn't work anyway. I think now though, that its the wrong approach.

[TooSensitive]

I agree with Rosie - I think it's great if you both read what the other has written here. Being "open, raw, and honest" is what begins to pave the way towards healing and recovery.

But when you read, sometimes you have to do so with some level of detachment; and you have to remind yourself that what you are reading is the other person's perception and not necessarily your own. That doesn't mean the other person's perception is wrong; it just means the other person's perception is different. So when considering that aspect, it may not be wise to post in each other's journals, unless you have something positive or supportive to say. It might be best to save your comments otherwise for a face-to-face discussion. I have seen one or two "wars" break out here, due to both people being on this board, and one not liking what the other was posting.

But when it comes to your own journal, what you post is up to you, not the other person. It isn't fair for anyone to have to "censor" what they are writing. Whatever is written should be nothing less than open, raw, and honest - just as Rosie has said. No, you don't want to intentionally hurt the other person, and you don't want to flame the other person; some tact and courtesy does need to be involved. But nonetheless, there is still going to be some pain involved, b/c feeling pain precedes any actual healing. Feeling the pain, working through the pain, and then letting go of the pain and also learning how to better manage it when it hits again, paves the way for better and more positive things to come.

[brandon7]

before i found TTF, my wife and i had some pretty bad disputes. instead of hashing it out in the living room, we'd each take some alone time, and write the other a letter. when venting as you write, it seems to me alot of your true feelings come out. and you can express these feelings without seeing the hurt that may cause your spouse in the things you say, but sometimes certain things need to be said. after we had a day or so to think about the others letter, we;d sit and talk about what the other said, and it seemed to work. this was before my own PA was known, before i could admit it. but i hope this may help in your dilemma. very new here as well, would like to hear how the two of you decide how to work this out, and help further if i can

[TrueBlue]

My hubby and I chased each other around the boards a little bit when we were new here too. He hardly ever comes here anymore unless I tell him there is something specific that I want him to read.

For us, we didn't have a problem with it, because anything said here was discussed back in the real world as well, and usually in much more detail.

I think being honest is extremely important for everyone when recovering from such a dishonest addiction and unhealthy dynamic in a relationship. I also think that respect is extremely important too. The only time I find myself censoring things is because the details are not important, may be triggering, or really should be left between my husband and I, out of respect for each other.

That being said, it can get tricky, just like everything else in this mess.

All the best,
TrueBlue

[StollenHeart]

You need this, you need to talk and let it out. My PA H direected me here. He is also on but I dont think he has ever posted anything. Just like your PA you need to let out your feelings and it is so wonderful to talk to others who understand and are in the same boat as you. This goes for both you and your H >:D<

[betrayed family]

The rules for couples vary greatly.. just as the couples are unique in themselves.
I truely hesitated coming back to this site.... We had both joined 3 yrs ago..... then both went into denial... he stopped addressing his addiction and I just moved on pretending the P beast was not lurking...
The reason I hesitated rejoining is because this time in Mell's battle, this site seemed to be part of Mells action plan.... part of his support... a layer of armour for the battle....a place to turn when struggling...
So.... I didn't want to invade on that... I didn't want him to censor anything he needed to discuss for fear that I WOULD KNOW.... or that it might hurt me.
Mell encouraged me to do so.... and after time of only reading his posts.... which he wanted me to do.... We had a talk about BOTH of us being on here and how it could effect us.... Good and Bad... and how this forum could not replace verbal face to face talks....
We both seemed comfortable .... and I rejoined.
This site has truely helped me..... I can't speak for Mell... but I believe that it has helped him too.
I have seen through other couples here the growth in themselves and their marriage.
So.... I would say... have the talk... make up the rules you are both comfortable with... and TYPE ON!!
Betrayedfamily

[Rockinastorm]

... Just like your PA you need to let out your feelings and it is so wonderful to talk to others who understand and are in the same boat as you. This goes for both you and your H >:D<

Quoted For Truth

Although I only joined this site a couple of days ago, IMO trying to monitor your H's actions on here, and vice versa, seems unhealthy. As a PA I feel so lucky just to have the support of my SO.
However, just like her support for me is not enough alone, neither is mine for her. You are here on this site to heal, and from my personal battle with PA, I have found that open, forward honesty is the only thing that helps me fight this. I would not have had the courage to join this site if i didnt feel as though i could communicate
I'm sure every case is different, but try talking to your H and see if you can't both enjoy the forums without a tension of worrying about a reaction to your posts?

I actually just had a conversation via Skype with my SO while trying to answer this post. Here is how the conversation went:

"Her:
are you ok with me reading your stuff?
i don't want to if it would be getting in the way...
Me:
i think its fine to read my stuff
everything i say on ttf is there for everyone
Her:
ok
Me:
and you should talk to me if you ever have any questions.
i dont expect you will read everything that i post on every thread, and i might be concerned if you were specifically seeking out every response i posted, but im sure you will run across plenty of them and by all means read every one you see
:)
and i do hope you read my journal from time to time
Her:
no-i do not want to follow every post you make cuz that would be creepy...i would like to read your journal at times, but i will not seek it out every single day. i just want to know how you are doing cuz i love you"

I think this illustrates my view on it. Hope it helps you!