What would you do in this situation? A question for PA's and SO's

[rosie]

Hi,

If you were in this scenario - were a sex addict or SO of one, what would you think of the situation and what would you do?

You are playing online poker with your husband/wife.

In the room, there is a young attractive female - you can tell by her facebook picture. Nobody knows the SO/PA are a couple.

The attractive female makes small talk with the whole table, talks about getting everyone drunk, is flirty with everyone, but not directly with anyone at this point.

The attractive female starts talking about why her previous FB picture was banned - because it showed her naked back. Most people keep talking brushing her off... and she goes on and on about it. Then she addresses the PA directly (one out of 10 people in the room)- out of the blue - and says "It was not my ass....<insert Pa's name> it was from my butt up...".

The PA sits for a moment, seemingly anxious about this knowing his SO is there. (the SO thinks he is visualising this scenario and going with it).

Then he says nervously "Okay this is enough of this conversation" and tries to crack a joke and be funnny - visibly anxious.

This goes back and forth and annoying attractive female keeps making comments about her naked back that was too risque to be shown on facebook.

Convo dies down, and then a guy on the table buys said female a rose as an expression of attraction - or whatever. Female gushes etc.

Then PA/SA attacks the person who bought the flower and says they are cheap - if he had real gumption he would buy a ring and show her he really cares. Humilating/degrading this person.

The guy is upset and starts flaming PA/SA saying he is jealous and he should stay out of it. PA/SA keeps going back at him putting him down etc. This goes on for a while...

Said female says "No need to be jealous, I like <Insert Sa's first name initial> too!??! :))))

PA keeps flaming other guy and being the "cool funny guy" in the room. Female eventually leaves as the flaming ramps up.

My question is this - do you think this is appropriate or harmless behaviour by PA/SA?
If you were a PA/SA what would you have done if this was the situation? If you were a SO of the PA in this situation, what if anything would you have done? What would be your interpretation of this scenario?

Honest opinions wanted!

[Phil413]

Hi Rosie,

I think I would have done as the SA did at first: attempt to politely change the subject. After that, I believe I would have ignored her, or else, if necessary, pointed out that I'm a married man and such talk isn't appropriate.

The bit about jumping on someone else for buying her a flower instead of a ring is just plain weird. I can't figure out why anyone would do that. I wouldn't have. If I saw someone else "making a move" on her, I probably would have been thinking, "She's flirty, she's vulgar and she's obnoxious. You can have her."

Phil

[rosie]

Hi Rosie,
The bit about jumping on someone else for buying her a flower instead of a ring is just plain weird. I can't figure out why anyone would do that. I wouldn't have. If I saw someone else "making a move" on her, I probably would have been thinking, "She's flirty, she's vulgar and she's obnoxious. You can have her."

Phil

Well, men compete for attention from females......I can't think why else he would have done that, if not for the attention of the female, to make himself look more "sensitive", and "manly", and because he was jealous that someone else was getting her attention.

I want to avoid casting aspersions on the situation though, because I want honest responses which aren't tainted by my interpretations.

[RichBlack]

I would have ignored the woman who was trying to flirt, or if necessary told her that I was indeed a married man, not available for flirting. I would "close the door", so to speak. You have to leave it there. The PA continuing in that discussion shows his resistance weakening. He should have just kept that "door closed". No need to be nasty, or start a fight. No need to be defensive if he is attacked for his response. His job is to look out for himself and his wife and the union between them. That is it. It isn't to protect that women or to scold her. It isn't to supervise. His obligations are to himself and his wife. I was actually enjoying the first paragraph, was actually looking for a thumbs up sign smily. :D But then you continued with the second paragraph and it went down hill from there. As I said he should of just been polite and made his stand on that issue, like he did in the first paragraph and stood firm. Hope this helps.

:D

Rich

[BelieveInHope]

As an SO, as soon as she started talking about her naked back, I would be triggered and want to leave the online 'room'. I would hope my PA would take it upon himself to realize I would be uncomfortable and ask if we should both leave and find another 'table'.
It is innapropriate for the SA to have any conversation w/ the female, IMO.
It is innapropriate for him to make any snide/flaming comments such as what was directed at the guy who 'bought' the flower. Who cares? Why is the PA even getting involved? What is his point?
Whatever your feelings on this Rosie, I would say you are correct.

[RichBlack]

Well, men compete for attention from females......I can't think why else he would have done that, if not for the attention of the female, to make himself look more "sensitive", and "manly", and because he was jealous that someone else was getting her attention."

Rosie

Nope. Not a legitimate excuse. Sorry. :)) He decided to marry you. He made his decision. He made his vows. He doesn't get to compete for the attention of anyone, except for you. Of course, he doesn't have to compete for you attention at all: that is the beautiful thing about monogamy :D. He blew it. He should apologize and beef up his recovery plan. Have a good day! :D

Rich

[vintageturtle]

My question is this - do you think this is appropriate or harmless behaviour by PA/SA?

No.

If you were a SO of the PA in this situation, what if anything would you have done?

As soon as the "naked back" was mentioned, I would have dropped out of the game. I haven't played this kind of game before, so I don't really know how it works. Are you typing? Speaking on headphone/mics? At any rate, I would have been out of there, as I would have been uncomfortable being there with my H. I would hope that he would pick up on it and leave with me; if not, I would let him know -- privately, short & sweetly -- why I was leaving and that I wanted him to leave, too.

What would be your interpretation of this scenario?

Again, I don't fully get the dynamics here (I can't picture how I would know he is sitting anxiously and speaking nervously, unless we are both playing online but physically in the same room?), but it doesn't strike me as innocent behaviour. I could buy at first that he was just trying to brush things off, diffuse the situation, and that he seemed nervous because he was worried that I would be hurt by the woman's flirting, regardless of how he responded. But I would only buy that if it were followed by getting right out of the situation. Sorry, but leaving 10 people hanging in an online game is not a big deal, compared to keeping yourself safe. Independent of my feelings, he needs to keep himself safe from dangerous situations like that.

[TooSensitive]

Rosie, IMO, HR felt on some level he needed to make it up to this strange woman, after the fact of trying to disengage with her first. Why? Why was he seeking her approval? He should have been more concerned, rather, only concerned with yours. His male ego got in the way. In hindsight, he did not feel manly about disengaging with her. It made him feel inadequate. He had to find a way of recouping his losses. It was all about saving his “image”. But he should only be concerned about his image and how that appears to you, not total strangers.

If it were my h, I would be furious that he reengaged on this woman’s behalf. No, he wasn’t engaging with the woman directly – he was engaging with the guy who bought her the rose – but why the need to defend this woman in the first place? What was his purpose?

It sounds like this woman was there seeking attention – and unhealthy attention from males at that. She wasn’t there to play poker – she was there to rial up the crowd. And she succeeded in doing just that.

I am with BIH – as soon as she started talking about her naked back, IMO, that should have been it for that table. That was the first red flag.

VT answered all your posted questions in the same manner as I would have, so I won’t duplicate.

Active PAs not in recovery just don’t view things with the same filter as we partners do. They often don’t see the harm; what we find inappropriate, they don’t necessarily.

I blasted my h just for accepting a FB friend request from a woman he hardly knew, b/c it was his sister’s friend growing up. I told him IMO, she stroked his ego, all b/c she “remembered him”. This fed his ego; this made him feel superior, in his own mind. Here was this strange woman giving HIM attention, as small and as little as that was. He amplified that in his own mind, all b/c it was attention. He didn’t know how to maintain his own self-esteem in healthy ways, so he had to use other women to feed it for him in unhealthy ways.

The woman at the on-line poker table picked HR to hone in on, out of everyone else. This fed his ego. If it were my h, I’d be accusing him of trying to defend this strange woman’s honor, and asking him, “For what purpose?” It just seems that initially he brushed her off b/c he knew you were there (hard to say if he would have done the same thing had you not been there; I know if it were my h, I’d be questioning that one). But that may not have been what he really wanted to do. So to “save” himself – to save face, if you will – he rescues himself and his manliness by coming to her rescue and “defending” her.

It may have had more to do with his ego and less to do with an attraction to this woman. So many times, with my h and how he chose to interact with other women, it seemed to be more about his ego and less about actually being attracted to the woman. Any woman who showed him any attention whatsoever then became p fodder for him. But in reality she may not have been at all, if she had never paid him any kind of attention.

Sometimes I think certain women have paid attention to my h b/c he gives off some “p vibe”; they sense on some level he is who he is, and if they are the kind of woman who gets off herself on inappropriate attention, they are going to seek it out from our h’s. Why else would they zero in on them? I suppose it would be more difficult to pick up on this at an on-line poker table, but I don’t know how else to explain it.

I just know all the times other women have honed in on my h, despite my being right there with him. He isn’t the kind of man who has a persona or image that draws others in. So why do they pick him to try to engage with vs. another man? IMO, it’s b/c he gives off what I call the “p vibe”. And the women who get off on inappropriate male attention not only pick up on this, they also play on this.

[Zachary]

As a PA, but only speaking for myself, I would have left the room the minute the 'online flirting' began. I would not have engaged this person in conversation whether my SO was present or not. There are a million rooms in which you can play online poker, and were I the type to do so, I would not stay in a room with people that could potentially trigger me or my SO, even if I was up in the winnings.

Just my opinion.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I really need to agree with Zachary

It was this type of siltation that got me here in the first place. If I was there,and this started, I would need to leave. in all fairness, if I didn't leave, I would have allowed myself to get deeper in this conversation and may have tried to take this conversation to a more private site.

No addict going through this, has any business being anywhere that this type of thing is going on.It just is not safe for a addicts recovery to be around this type of people

So any addicts who find themselves in a place like this, throw down your cards, look and see where the door is, and run like hell to get out of there