I need a honest answer from all of you

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Ok I need to ask something, and if anyone feels like they want to reply to this, all I ask is that you be honest. just tell me the truth

I f you were to meet me in person, you would see that I have a very aggressive tone in my voice when I talk. I have always been told that I sound like I am mad or that I have an attitude.
This has alway been a big problem when dealing with my SO. she feels like I am mad, or being to aggressive, when we are trying to have a serious conversation. This is something that I am working on, and I am working very hard on it.
I am going to be 55 this year, so It is hard for me to change my tone, because I have had it for many years now. But I am trying to change it

Here is my question, that I need to ask, and ask you to please be honest with your answer. no matter what you say, I will not be offended
When I reply here to someones journal. am I to harsh with them or aggressive to them in my replies?

I really need answers, so if I need to tone it down a little, I will.

with this addiction, I feel you need to be honest, and not Sugarcoat it. Please let me know it. I just dont want to upset anyone, but mostly I dont want newcomers to feel disrespected

[Phil413]

Hey, Gerald. Maybe this is one of those instances where it's a good thing the Internet doesn't convey tone-of-voice.

Honestly, I've never detected even a hint of anger in your posts. To me they come across as forthright (which is a few shades softer than "blunt") and deeply caring. You tell it like it is, but with reasonable gentleness, and you obviously care about the people you're communicating with.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Phil

[TooSensitive]

INOH, I am an SO, and I have not read all of your posts, but I have read a few. And the ones I've read always sounded great to me; I don’t ever recall any anger in your “tone” here. I always admired what you have posted so far, feel you have done so with integrity, honesty, and compassion, and worded things well. I always felt as though you said a lot with fewer words and that what you had to say was important and I think I even remember that some of your posts were profound. You are one of the RAs here whose name sticks in my mind as being one of those whose posts I do like to read; I can tell that you have empathy for us SOs too, which is very much appreciated.

I do understand about the voice thing - there are a few people in my support group who speak very loudly, and though they do not sound angry, they do sound intimidating. But I've gotten used to it, as I've gotten to know them. Your SO may still be feeling sensitive to what's happened, and she may also be suffering from PTSD symptoms. If she is, then she is going to be ultra-sensitive to sound. There were times when my own cell phone ringing would make me nearly jump out of my skin due to this. And she may be sensitive to what she perceives to be your moods and emotions.

Sometimes people do misread us. All we can do is our best to set them straight on whatever the real deal is. All we can do is be honest ourselves. I seem to sometimes have a certain look on my face which seems to convey to others that I am sad, even when I am not. But that is what they are seeing from my face and subsequently interpreting themselves. The best way I can show them they are mistaken is to smile at them!

I imagine it would be very hard for you to change your tone of voice, if this is what you have been like your whole life. But I admire you for trying to work on this; and think about all the other things about yourself that you are changing or have changed already, to give you inspiration. But I agree with Phil – I don’t think you need to change a thing here in the way you communicate. I admire that you are conscientious enough to ask, though. It seems you really do want to become a better person, but in many ways, you are already there. This is what I see, anyway. But keep in mind that sometimes those closest to us are the last to have the ability to see such changes in us.

Just like when you lose weight, someone who has not seen you in awhile is going to notice it right away. But the people who see us every day will not at first – all b/c they do see us every day, and since the weight loss is gradual and doesn’t happen overnight, it is hard for them to notice. And so it goes sometimes with any change that occurs.

[iwilldothis]

Nope. Have not detected anything resembling aggressiveness in your writing.

[Zachary]

I don't think you can ever really convey any emotion over the internet, but I've never taken anything I've read from you to sound angry. I might understand where you're coming from though. I have a loud voice. I'll start off talking quietly, but the next thing I know, I can be practically shouting. I never noticed it before my SO pointed it out to me. She'd stop, mid-discussion and say 'Why are you yelling at me?' to which I'd reply 'I'm not!' in a tone that was loud enough sometimes to wake the neighbors. I never noticed before, but I did, and in a frank discussion, I simply laid it out. I said to my SO I never notice when I raise my voice, and I don't mean to, so if we're talking, arguing, whatever and my voice does start to rise out of nowhere, just let me know and I'll keep it in check for you. I don't want to derail any important discussions because of this. Since then, when my voice begins to rise, she calls me on it, and I take a breath and continue on, quieter and usually calmer, too. I get my point across and then say 'Sorry I got loud, I didn't realize it. Thanks for calling me on that.' It keeps the important discussions on track, which is what really matters.

Hope that helps! As always, best of luck!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Thank you for the replies I got so far. As I said, I dont want to disrespect anyone here

[Daniel]

INOH,

That is very courteous of you to ask for open commentary on your tone! and I think by the very nature of your solicitation you prove that no harm or LOUD TALKING or rough treatment was ever received or noticed.

Good work!

Making yourself a target can also make you a wee-bit nervous. No need to be.

You're making a big difference and your efforts are very appreciated.

Daniel

[rosie]

No, you always seem helpful caring and considerate.

Maybe you could write instead of talking to your SO when dealing with emotive topics?

My husband speaks to me in an aggressive "tone", and it makes me very upset. I understand how your SO might feel.

[Yechezkel]

Ok I need to ask something, and if anyone feels like they want to reply to this, all I ask is that you be honest. just tell me the truth

I f you were to meet me in person, you would see that I have a very aggressive tone in my voice when I talk. I have always been told that I sound like I am mad or that I have an attitude.
This has alway been a big problem when dealing with my SO. she feels like I am mad, or being to aggressive, when we are trying to have a serious conversation. This is something that I am working on, and I am working very hard on it.
I am going to be 55 this year, so It is hard for me to change my tone, because I have had it for many years now. But I am trying to change it

Here is my question, that I need to ask, and ask you to please be honest with your answer. no matter what you say, I will not be offended
When I reply here to someones journal. am I to harsh with them or aggressive to them in my replies?

I really need answers, so if I need to tone it down a little, I will.

with this addiction, I feel you need to be honest, and not Sugarcoat it. Please let me know it. I just dont want to upset anyone, but mostly I dont want newcomers to feel disrespected

Gerald, you have a great mix of loving support and tough love in your posts to me, I trust you and your opinions and suggestions, you are my friend. I wouldn't change a thing.

[God Forgive Me]

DUde you are the best !! Your post have been very motivating for me and I think you are doing a really good job :D