Driven to Distraction

[RichBlack]

Alright. Sorry to the folks who checked this thread and found nothing but a single title of a book. Again, my strategy against forgetting to post: was busy, so I took a few seconds to make the post so I wouldn't forget. Anyway. I am reading a fantastic book called Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell, MD. This book is about ADD and I have been reading it to review and learn more about my own ADD. The reason I bring it up is because there is an entire chapter (Ch. 4 Living and Loving with ADD about the effect of the disorder on couples, many of which were unaware that one or both of them had the disorder. It is estimated that up to 10 million Americans have ADD, many of them without even knowing it. Since we only started to understand ADD in the 1960s and 70s, many adults simply missed out on this understanding and only learn about the disorder many years later. But back to the point. This chapter reminded me of many of the things that significant others have pointed out on the partners part of the forum which brought to my mind the question: could at least some of them have husbands with undiagnosed ADD? Now, I am not a doctor, so it is not my place to made such judgments. But I did want to put that out there. I recommend the book, even if you doubt that your partner has ADD. You may just be surprised once you read about the symptoms and what it is really like. The book has alot of solutions as well. So living with a partner with ADD doesn't have to be a nightmare. Both partners are required to put in a little effort: the ADD sufferer must use techniques to alleviate symptoms, function better and the non-ADD person must come to understand their partner's ADD and come to some acceptance, but also some negotiations. Anyway. Just wanted to throw that out there. I know I have discussed the interactions between this addiction and my ADD before on this forum. Complicated relationship. Hallowell does support the opinion that some people with ADD become hypersexual as a way to "focus" as the chemicals do alleviate symptoms, but of course, only for a short amount of time. So maybe, I was one of those people with ADD who started the addiction as a way to alleviate symptoms: sort of makes sense to me, because it fits my story pretty well. Anyway. Please feel free to share your thoughts. And I recommend reading the book, or at least a few chapters if you have any troubles in your relationship.

Rich

[TooSensitive]

Hey Rich! Sounds like an interesting book. I don’t think my SA h has ADD/ADHD (I think the mental health community is now only using ADHD as a catch-all phrase exclusively and is starting to discard the term “ADD”). But there are times when he does exhibit a few of the symptoms (the inability to focus on and listen to what I am saying; interrupting me, talking over me). And we all do from time to time, being human. Just as we all exhibit narcissistic tendencies at times, but that does not mean we have a personality disorder. We are just human.

It is food for thought, though. I am sure it is common for someone to be suffering from more than just SA. But whatever one’s afflictions can be difficult to diagnose, as there is so much crossover with symptoms. I guess in the end, it takes a professional to make an accurate diagnosis of anything. But it’s good to do our own research too, b/c sometimes, there are enough signs and symptoms to indicate that yes, this is indeed a strong possibility, either for ourselves, or for a loved one.

Interestingly, I believe I have ADHD, though it’s never been diagnosed; but my teenage son has been diagnosed with ADHD for about 6 years now. Medication helps him get through the school day, but as he matures, I am noticing that he is managing himself on the weekends (when we do not medicate him) far better than he was before. He has been calm, he is quicker about doing what needs to be done in a timely fashion, and he has been respecting h and I so much more than before. But, we have also been through some serious family crises in the past few months, and sometimes I think those not only helped him mature in the process, they also taught him how as a family we do pull together to support one another, esp. when our kids are involved. Life’s lessons can be important tools in helping someone mature and can do far more good than any medication can. However, as well as he has been doing in managing himself when not in school, it seems he still needs that medication to get through his school day. One day we ran out and he had to go to school unmedicated. He had a bit of a rough time that day. I knew then he still needed the medication on school days. He also told his doctor that he felt it helped him (b/c there was talk of taking him off it due to a couple of side effects). School continues to be challenging for my son, though he is really doing well his freshman year in high school; the meds help alleviate much of that challenge. Outside of school seems to be much less of a challenge these days, so I suppose that’s why he seems to be doing well then (though that was not always the case).

Rich, do you take meds for your ADHD? Or are you learning how to manage without meds? I have heard many times about kids being on meds for ADHD throughout childhood and their teenage years, but that as they mature and become young adults, they stop taking the meds, b/c they do learn how to get along without them. I’ve never taken meds for it, and I feel as though most of the time, I manage it fairly well without meds. I’m very aware of when my ADHD behavior kicks in, and when it does, I consciously talk myself into reeling myself in and kicking myself down a few notches so that it does not get in the way. But the tricky part is that I have been diagnosed with bipolar (which I also manage without taking meds, though not everyone can), and sometimes it is hard to tell if it is my ADHD or my bipolar creating certain symptoms, b/c those can overlap (there are some symptoms which could indicate either ADHD or bipolar).

Rich, I think it is great that you are educating yourself like this. Knowledge is power, right? So long as it is used for the right kind of power, as in, the power to better oneself in appropriate and healthy ways. It makes sense to me also that your SA could be tied into your ADHD. I hope understanding both proves to be helpful to you.

[RichBlack]

Yes, Toosensitive, I do take medication (Concerta) for my ADD. Because ADD is almost always genetic it is highly probable that you do indeed have it because your son does. You could have a mild variety of it. There are varying degrees of it.

Rich

[Zachary]

I've always been curious about how ADD and ADHD are transferred genetically. My father has it, and so does my younger brother yet I've never been diagnosed with it and have no symptoms. Curious, no?

[rosie]

I've always been curious about how ADD and ADHD are transferred genetically. My father has it, and so does my younger brother yet I've never been diagnosed with it and have no symptoms. Curious, no?

What I am about to say might be contravercial...

I question anything with a "genetic link". Usually this term is bandied about and people understand it as meaning that you were born that way because your parent was. That a genetic marker was passed down. But that is rarely the case with these disorders, most psychological disorders are diagnosed based on behavioural symptoms, not brain chemistry/genetic markers.

But what about the fact that we know that children from certain lifestyles - often with inadequate parenting, actually have changes in chemistry as a result of their experiences? How do you know if you are born that way or if its a result of environment? If your parents are not focused, flippant, compulsive (symptoms of ADHD) then your life is not going to be the most stable - you will most likely take on the same characteristics because you will learn from their (lack of) coping mechanism. Like with sociopathy, there is a strong link between emotionally distant parents and sociopathic children - is it genetic or is the sociopathy a response to the neglect - is it a coping mechanism?

Having said that, YES my husband IS (I believe) befitting of the title ADHD. He has every symptom, but he also had an emotionally distant mother and father - he had a horrible childhood experience and was not adequately parented, he was left to his own devices for stimulation and was not taught how to self-soothe and express his emotions, his main nurturer was an addict. I also have symptoms of personality disorders that are being dealt with through cognitive behavioural therapy, I too, also have a childhood experience of instability, and an addict parent and abusive mother.

For some things, I don't think you need a diagnosis and medication of these things in order to change it - and in fact I think it can be a dangerous path to get a tidy label and take a pill to solve your problems. Whether or not you have those symptoms to me is besides the point - they are not really conducive to relationships and parenting so they need to be sorted out one way or another, for some people its helpful to get a diagnosis and take medication but for me personally I think there are other ways.

[iwilldothis]

I've always been curious about how ADD and ADHD are transferred genetically. My father has it, and so does my younger brother yet I've never been diagnosed with it and have no symptoms. Curious, no?

Well the usual model is the genetics are a factor, essentially making you more susceptible to developing it. There are a number of reasons why you could not have not gotten it even though your brother and father have it:

1) You do not have all, or at least some, of the genes that make you susceptible to developing ADD which your father and brother have; or

2) You have inherited the same genes but your developmental history (environmental factors) has meant that you have not developed ADD.

The gene/environment interaction for ADD is quite complex. My understanding is that there is that genes are quite an important factor in whether you do develop it or not (some 70% based on twin studies).