Intimacy

[Randomusername]

My husband and I both have a concern regarding his recovery process and I would love to get feedback from SOs as well as PA. * First I think that I should give some relevant background info. *My husband never really "lost" his life- meaning time to P. *Even before we met, he says p was a 5-15 minute a day activity. *When we started dating (unknown to me) he stopped for a while hoping to replace the time spent on p with actual s. *Since I didn't have the same drive as he does, he went back to the short regular doses of p daily. *I found out that he used it about a year in and basically asked him to stop. *That was when he discovered he had a problem. *Quitting was so difficult. *And so we talked about it and he had slips every few months or so. *This was without help or support or anything really. *Finally, when he told me that he had slipped again shortly after we were married. *I told him if it happened again I would leave him (I realize now that was a huge mistake). *He said he made it three months from that point. *Well, I didn't know that then he started slipping. *We had no Internet, I would ask him how he was doing with this, and he would always lie. *This happened for about a year and a half. *Thinking he was "all better now". And reassured that it would never happen again, we bought a house and got the Internet back. *Well, I found out 12 days ago. *He told me that it wasn't a one time slip, but that he would slip from about once a week to once a month during this time. *I was devastated because I had had a horrible feeling the previous month and I told him I knew something was up and he lied while looking me in the eyes. *My husband did make it obvious that this wasn't a one time thing, *although I did have to straight up ask him about it. *So that helps a bit in the trust department. *Well up until that point, my husband had been spending lots of time on the Internet (not with p, I know because I was in the room with him) ignoring my son and me. *I felt distanced from him (while not knowing why bc I thought p was put of the picture). And sadly imagining our passionless but not s less marriage for the rest of our lives. *Nothing bad happened, *but I didn't really have romantic feelings for him anymore. *By all Other standards, he was a great husband. *It wasn't like what I read alot of where he was spending pots of time with p or extraordinarily frequent. *We are pretty young, and it never got that far. *I am thankful we caught this soon. *And I must say that he did try quitting several times even when I wasn't aware of what was happening. *Anyway, after I caught him, it was traumatic. *Horrible. *But we turned the Internet back off and he got rig of his iPhone. *He is working on arrangements to have his workl laptop replaced with a desktop, and he has even met with a counselor. *We have started talking more, a lot more, because he is not distracted. *Heck we have hardly turned on the tv. And it has been wonderful. *I feel closer to him than I ever have, *he makes us his priority and he is just a great husband. It is different this time because I see him actively getting help and I feel romantic towards him and actually close to him this time. *Now, we have had s since I found out, but it seems most people recommend a period of abstinence. *I actually want to for the first time, and it is so different, so loving now. *I (and he) are now becoming concerned that this may become an issue, because so many people feel abstinence is a huge help. *Is this because the frequency of p causes a dependence on chemicals that s also releases? *Because that would not be a huge issue for him. *I don't want to diminish his problem or anything, but for me, nothing has seemed more pure and I don't want to stop. *However, I have for the last three days as I have read a little more on the matter. *I know his p addiction didn't end up like most peoples, so does his make a difference? *Sorry this was so long and I'm really looking forward to some feedback as we are not sure what we are doing when it comes to this. *He also asked the pastor he met with about this and he did not know either.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Randomusername-

Hi, and welcome to TTF. Is your husband here too?

I am not sure why you feel your husband's case is so different than anyone else's here. He used every day, "tried" quitting but didn't reallt want to quit, was a distant husband and lied repeatedly to your face and by omission. That pretty much sums up all the stories here except for the lack of chatrooms and webcams, which isn't everyone here anyway.

I only ask because you need to be very prepared and educated for the fight of your life here. The lowest recovery success rate I have seen here is the people who really don't want to quit. The second lowest success rate for recovery I see here is for people who "don't really have a problem like everyone else here".

As far as your question goes, everyone plays it differently. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are enjooying the intimacy now and it feels better than ever because he is focused on you now. My husband and I never went through a period of abstinence. He is in recovery and has been clean since Nov 2009. So, it worked for us. I will say though, that I think we both used sx as a way to escape our problems because it was easier to do that than talk and deal with things. I wish we had had a peried of abstinence because I think it would have been a healthier way of dealing. I also do think its needed to help reset the brain chemistry.

If you want to continue intimacy but have a period of abstinence, then you could focus on non sxual intimacy which is still intimacy.

Lastly, if you feel like you have to have sx so that he can have a sxual outlet or else he might go back to P, this is faulty thinking. He went back to P because he wanted it and liked it. Differing sx drives is an excuse, not a reason. If he is 100% sincere about recovery, then lack of sx wont make him turn back to P. He will go back to P if he wants to, whether you are having sx or not.

I hope you find the healing you are looking for and I hope your husband will join you on TTF.

[BeingThere]

The thing we lose to porn is healthy sex. The thing we recover in recovery is healthy sex. While I know that a detox period (abstinence) is very helpful in many of these cases, if sex is feeling healthier, that is moving both of you toward recovery. But I don't know how bad his addiction is.

Chemical detox is 18-21 days. Mental detox seems to be somewere between 3 months and 6 months. That's a long time without sex for a young couple. We are designed to be intimate in that fashion. I don't necessarily think long periods of abstinence are healthy.

I also know first-hand that having sex doesn't remove the addiction. When we're in a committed relationship, we have generally agreed to keep sex between ourselves. That takes a lot of relationship work for many of us. We have to talk about it, work out arrangements sometimes, and even get specific. It leaves us very vulnerable emotionally. Yet this is the one thing many couples shy away from. It may be a shame thing or maybe just a little fear that your partner is going to do something that's emotionally hurtful, but being open with what we need in a relationship may be the one thing that helps heal over time.

I would say you both need to have a frank, non-blaming discussion on a regular basis about intimacy, even if you choose abstinence for a time. Not being open with what I needed in a relationship (and thinking I was wrong for needing it) was probably my biggest mistake.

Wishing you a better result.

-Mike

[Randomusername]

Thank you for your responses! My husband has not joined-he does not have Internet and I am posting from my iPhone, which is locked. I apologize if it came off that I am not taking this seriously or that he is"better" than others here. That was not my intention at all. What I thought was likely to be different is that it has been over four years since p was a daily activity, so I thought the chemical dependency would be different. It is kind of obnoxious writing on here on a phone, so I'm sorry about that. Don't know if that info changes anything!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi,

If you read around on here, you will see some PAs who use every day, some every week, some every month. My husband was the weekly or monthly user, like your husband. I am not sure if frequency affects chemical dependancy, so I can't help you there. Maybe some PAs can chime in.

I didn't think you were thinking your case was better or different. I just don't want you to fool yourself into complacency because your husband only used infrequently. And that's what you know right now. I have found the truth comes out in bits and pieces and you might never get it all. At my first discovery, I was told it was only for the past year, while I was pregnant and "unavailable". Well, in my naive mind, that's not so terrible, and that's easily fixed. But, it was all a lie so I didn't know what I was dealing with and I believed in a fake recovery for 2 years because I didn't know or understand what I was dealing with.

I wish you well and hope you get the truth and your husband commits to recovery.