Alpha Male/Dominance Issue

[RichBlack]

Alright I have some time, so I will post my thoughts. Unfortunately, I just acted out, so I am finding this subject very close to home. But anyway. Porn (and most erotic material, regardless of whether there is nudity or not) is all about the Alpha Male, Male dominance over women. It is about men getting what they want from the women. Doing it exactly the way they want. Getting their way. Porn is full of it. As Isis always says, porn is pure hate. And then that affects us, the addicts. Although I am single at the moment I have thought alot about how this addiction effected my relationship with my ex girlfriend. I loved her. So very much. The warmth was always there. But then there were times when I felt the affect of the addiction. Sometimes I would take her for granted or, I am ashamed to admit grab her ***** randomly, for no reason
That is objectification in its purest form. Sometimes she got annoyed, but most of the time she waved it off: evidence of just tolerating it. I am forever thankful that it didn't go beyond uninvited touching, because I have read that this part of the addiction can get much, much worse. In my heart I know I could never have hurt my ex girlfriend (or any partner), but had my addiction been worse, that might of been different. This is the most dangerous and destructive part of the addiction. A part that must be taken very seriously, and treated. Also, the part of the addiction that upset my ex girlfriend the most: the flirting in chatrooms, the innappropriate messaging, and other technological forms of disloyalty. It pulls on my heart to think of all of those things I did. Winning over this addiction means finding ourselves again. It is about finding that good man or woman inside. The one that knows about time and place. The one that sees sex and sexuality as the beautiful thing it is. The one that doesn't abuse sexuality or twist it. This is about becoming better men and women, better partners, the ones we are supposed to be. That is something to look forward to.

Rich

[RichBlack]

Towards the end of our relationship, my ex girlfriend and I decided that there were some things that she and I simply wouldn't do, because they so obviously degrade the woman while pleasuring the man. I wish I was this forward-thinking in all of my thoughts and actions towards her. A lesson learned.

Rich

[RichBlack]

RichBlack wrote:Sometimes she got annoyed, but most of the time she waved it off: evidence of just tolerating it

This has been on my mind alot. Maybe she didn't want to make a fuss over what she thought was a small issue. Maybe she didn't fully understand what was driving me, what I was thinking, or feeling. Whatever was going on in her mind, I feel as though I pushed her around a bit. Often afterwards, after the fix had been appeased, I would regret it and ask her to forgive me. She always did. But then I did it again. [IMG]*********] I am determined not to let this happen in my next relationship. I will treat my future girlfriend with dignity and respect and love.

Rich

[RichBlack]

{Just as an aside: is it possible to "trigger" warn text here? I feel that that one part of my original post should probably have a trigger warning for those recovering addicts that are feeling weak or significant others that are vulnerable. The comment was meant to provide an example.}

Rich

[RichBlack]

I hope that this subject doesn't push people away, as I am afraid it has due to the lack of replies. This is a hard subject to discuss and I am very aware of that. But it is one that must be discussed. I hope to be a part of a beneficial discussion soon.

Rich

[gnein]

There are many lies perpetuated in the media that have an affect on the PA issue, and I believe this idea that you must be an "alpha male" is one of them. The media constantly tells us that life is basically all about "upgrading" or "getting more". We're always told that we need to have certain possessions, even if we've lived comfortably without them in the past. As men, we're told that we'd be more of a man if we date a woman of a certain physical appearance, and we're also told that we need to be "dominant" in our relationships and our sx life.

Now in fairness, there are some aspects of these arguments that benefit us. Nobody wants to be a doormat or to be exploited in their relationship, and few of us want to live a life without possessions. However, there are times this message goes too far, as well. It encourages us to do things that won't necessarily make us or our partners happy in pursuit of this ultimate "goal" of having or getting "more". I think sometimes we need to take a step backward from the popular press of today, and take the time to appreciate the things we have.

Yesterday I went for a long bike ride. Now I don't have the fastest or most expensive bicycle in the world, and I'm certainly not the world's greatest athlete, but what I did get was the opportunity to appreciate some of the smaller things in life that we often take for granted. You know, there are some people who would look down on me for this, because, after all, the bird calls in the rainforest was something I experienced for free, but I valued that time immensely.

I think we need to do something similar in our relationships. While I don't believe anyone should ever stay in an unsatisfactory situation for any reason, I also believe we need to lose this psychology of always trying to "upgrade". Your sx life with your partner is a good example of this. The two of you may not be having sx in the way that P videos say you should, but on the other hand, what you had with her was probably better than what you have without her. This is one of the ways in which P distorts our view of relationships. It's not about having the "hottest" or "coolest" girlfriend in the world, it's about having the girlfriend who is the best fit for you.

My final suggestion to you, is to now focus on getting this issue you have with PA (the same one I have BTW), handled *before* pursuing another relationship. Treat the issues you just had as a lesson you needed to learn, and now work on becoming a better man so that your next relationship will be better.

Good luck.

[exteberria]

The whole concept of 'the alpha male' is fundamentally flawed. There are no examples of alpha males that I know, who are a good example of what it means to be an attractive man.
I totally agree with your posts RichBlack. P does perpetrate the idea of the ruthless and careless alpha male. I can relate to the potential damage p could have done to you, it could have done it to me as well and I would not have my current girlfriend.
I think the term alpha male is abused, as if to say that women only want alpha males (destructive or careless men). What rubbish. I am not attracted to that kind of girl.
I know from my experience with my current girlfriend, she likes me to be in control, in terms of what we do when we get together. But in terms of dominating her or telling her what she can and can't do or treating her like she's my little object, she would never ever accept me like that.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I am an SO and I hope my thoughts aren't out of place here.

P is about the alpha male/dominence FANTASY. In my experience and from reading numerous PA and SO posts on TTF, there are very few alpha males here. If anything, the majority of stories I read here is about men who find it difficult to make a decision or have any sort of dominent role in their relationships. For me, for example, I WANTED my husband to make decisons, express his wants and needs, and really, just be a strong person. But what i got was someone who was sweet to my face and always said "whatever makes you happy makes me happy" but inside he was full of anger at me for being "in charge" and took that anger out in some ways by using it as an excuse for P. I never wanted to be in charge, but I had to be because his paralysis forced me into it.

There are a lot of similar stories here and some people speak of using anger at their partner as an excuse or "trigger' for acting out. This is really a form of impotent rage. The PA knew he was angry, but instead of confronting the situation or doing anything to change or improve the situation, they swallow it down and "get even" by using P. It is a viscious cycle.

So, IMO, P is about the alpha male FANTASY, used mostly by people who aren't alpha male/dominent in real life. Perhaps if people learn to communicate better and choose to improve their life situation, they wouldn't feel so incomplete and would feel enough control in their life to not need to pretend to dominate sxually.

Thank you for your time.

[rosie]

I don't think it's about an alpha male or alpha male fantasy, I think it's about debasing and hatred of women.

The alpha-male typically competes for the most attractive (fertile) female in the group - in porn, there is no competition, there are no male displays of superiority or 'puffing of the chest' in competition with other males to "win" the female - there is no courting, there is no 'warm up' there is no actual effort - there is nothing alpha-male about it.

Instead, there are subordinate women who are coerced into sex with unattractive/mediocre in attractiveness men with cosmetically enhanced appendages - which only goes to show the insecurity in the male performers, this is not alpha-male at all. The women do whatever they have to and are generally subject to the whims and needs of the man. I think this is what appeals to people who use pornography - control, selfishness and a sense of superiority over women.

There has existed since the dawn of time a feeling that women are flawed as they are. We are less human than men. We are less acceptable, we are less capable, less intelligent, less able (apparently). This is evidenced in the cosmetic industry/media portrayal of what constitutes beauty or femininity - this is evidenced in the extensive grooming and body modification that an average woman must endure simply to be a "woman".
Females in their natural state are seen as disgusting - porn doesn't create this idea, but it does highlight it through its debasement of women on film. It highlights this by stripping a woman of needs, natural femininity (even pubic hair!!!), and stripping a woman of a personality.

What you see on film is women at the mercy of men. You see no intimacy, you see no expressions of those "pesky woman emotions" - Women do not have needs of their own, women are not the focus of pleasure - the sex ends when the man is finished. The women are waxed like pre-pubescent children, their natural body hair seen as disgusting. In essence, their femininity is seen as disgusting, their woman-ness is seens as disgusting. Women are enhanced cosmetically (either with heavy makeup, 'trashy lingerie' lighting, or extreme body modification - boob jobs, liposuction, labioplasty, etc). This confirms the social/media message that women are not beautiful or acceptable as they are - they must be modified in order to be 'sexy' or human, even. Men, on the other hand, are often seen in their "natural form" complete with body hair, natural hair colour, natural body shape, and are accepted in this way - except perhaps penis extension modifications.

It is my belief that porn appeals to a mans fantasy of debasing a woman and the want to feel a sense of superiority over her simply because he is a man. It's a way to seek revenge on women for past-ills - perhaps resentment of a womans sexual power over a man, perhaps a dysfunctional mother-child bonding relationship, or perhaps past rejection by women, or feelings of intimidation or inferiority to women. For some, I think it might just be a case of a quick sexual fix without having to consider anyone else - without having to be vulnerable with a woman - I think it's propelled by fear of intimacy and feelings of insecurity. It is violence and hatred against women served up as sexuality.

[RichBlack]

Thank you for your input and passion. I will peruse your post a few times. Alof of good stuff in it. And of course you are right. Thanks again.

Rich