Just What Was I Thinking

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I posted this Sunday, but poof, it disappeared.

It is very quite here at TTF. And I am the only one here. There is not even any guest here looking around. So I have just been here, taking the time to read through many journals, that I would not usually have the time to read. I have come to find out that there are so many wonderful stories here, from our fellow addicts. I have even read some that are over a couple of years old. I am so encouraged by all that I read.

I notice that this Beast, sure gets around, He doesn’t give a damn who he attacks, as long as he can attack somebody. He doesn’t care if you live here in Los Angeles, or somewhere in the UK, somehow, he just makes his rounds, to just try to screw up our lives. And I can see that he done a real good job in doing this.

But I started really thinking is to blame for our addiction? Well to me, I can’t blame the beast for my addiction. If I never looked at P, then there would be no beast to fight off.
So I am looking at this beast as I would if it were a vampire. In all the stories about Vampires, one can not enter your home, unless we invite him in, but when we do invite one in, it is hell trying to keep him away from coming in to our home, when ever it wants

I guess, this is what WE as PA’s have done. As soon as we looked at that Magazine, that Video, that Image, and allowed all those bad thoughts in our head when we saw a woman, and we didn’t stop it right then, Well we just opened the door to our home, and said, COME ON IN. Can any of US PA’s really answer this question the right way?

WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING WHEN WE INVITED HIM (this beast) IN TO OUR HOMES, AND TO ALLOW HIM TO TAKE OVER?

I know that I can’t answer it, I really can’t. I do not know, what I was thinking, to allow someone, as sneaky and sick as he is, to come in to my home, and take control over it.

And take full control is just what it did, I know that it controlled all my thoughts, and tried to keep the good ones out. But it had done a wonderful job, in allowing the bad thoughts in. It controlled all the thoughts of feeling that I should have for my SO. It took all the Emotions, Feelings, and Intimacy that I should have given to my Beautiful SO, and controlled me enough to give all these feelings, to what I was looking at, on my computer. And by doing this, I had nothing left in me to give to my SO.

And what a sad out come because of all my actions. Here I am, living under the same roof, with which I believe, is the most Beautiful woman I have ever seen, And I am very much alone. I no longer get to share the good times with my beautiful lady, who I am so deeply in Love with. All I am now is someone who gets to sleep in the extra room we have, and just pay rent. What the hell was I thinking to allow an addiction as this one, to destroy EVERYTHING, that I Love so much?

I know that I hurt my SO, so deeply in here heart. I destroyed everything good, that she felt about herself. I made her feel as if she is lower that a piece of dog sh*t lying on the ground. What the hell was I thinking?
When she told me, the other day, that she could never be in love with me again, that hurt me, it crushed me to no end. But the pain I am feeling from this comment, is just a very tiny fraction of pain, that I have caused her.

So what am I going to do about this problem I caused to all that I love?
Well in the same movies with Vampires, a person can renege the invite to there homes, and they are no longer welcome in them. But they do still try to find a way to get in.

So this is what I am doing with this beast, this addiction. I am letting it know, that he is no longer allowed in to my home, and even better, he is not allowed to have anything to do with me at all anymore. He is no longer a welcomed friend.
So now, that he is not welcomed anymore, I can find a way, to fix all the pain that he caused, not only to me, but to everyone that I love. I can now, try to make me a new man. A man that has Respect for all women, and not look upon them as an object, but to look upon them as they should be, and the is AS AN SPECIAL GIFT FROM GOD. And that is what they are, SPECIAL, VERY SPECIAL.

But in order for that to happen, I need to have respect for myself. I need to change. And that is what I am trying to do at this very moment. I have a very long road in front of me, but I am just proud to be on this road.

I am sorry if it seemed as I was just rambling, but these were just thought I had in my head at this moment, and felt I wanted to write them down

Thank You for reading it

[Jon Doe 109]

INOH - great post - you always have good incites... In spite of the seriousness of your writing, I sometimes chuckle when you use the "beast" metaphor because our nickname for our dog is "the beast" - at times I can't help but imagining he is the subject of your post. But seriously, thank you for all your supportive comments.