Help on Communicating with a very hurt SO

[samski]

I am open to any and all wisdom that can be gleaned from you.

I just started a 12 step program last night for SA. I'm happy about that. However, my wife and I are not communicating well, and she's telling me that she's not sure if she has the energy to work on our marriage any more. She wants me to recover, she wants to recover herself from the pain that I have caused her, but she's not sure if she wants to work on our marriage any more.

In one sense, I can't blame her, as I have been the problem for so long, and she's been the glue to hold our marriage together, that she's run out of gas.

However, I want to save our marriage. I am trying to be as patient and understanding as I can be, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

SO's - can you please offer me any advice you can on how to minister to my wife? I realize that I'm broken, and need healing myself, but it's killing me watching her go through this as well, and I'm truly scared that our marriage won't survive this.

[Charly22]

I think you need to allow her "space" to go through what she is going through. I am not saying not try to be there for her. But please do not expect her to be able to turn this off.

Also, what you mentioned earlier about "just listening" and not trying to be hero, that's a good start too.

You can suggest that she join here at this website.

[samski]

Charly - you're right. i don't expect her to turn it off, but it's really scary to see her go through the depths of despair and be powerless to help.

she has told me that she hasn't made the decision to stay or not. last night was looking more like not. i know i can't make her stay, but i don't want her to go. i want her to have the freedom and space to process all of this hurt.

i'll try to keep listening. she's really not open to suggestions from me right now.

thanks for the advice.

[Crisodian]

A thought for you...

One of the things we advocate a lot here for SOs is creating a list of things you will and will not accept from your partner in recovery. Boundaries if you will. And we also encourage written communication about how P makes the SO feel.

Maybe reverse that thought process here?

Most SOs need space. Charly is absolutely correct. But maybe an affirmation of the understanding from what you have learned, and what you intend to do to show your SO that you are serious in recovery? A written list of the steps you have taken and plan to take as you continue down the path ?

Just a thought. Not sure if it will help or hurt. Only you can judge that. But maybe it will help be an icebreaker for conversation?

Find peace,
~C~

[Hopeful]

Hi samski,

All I can tell you is how I felt in the beginning. To be honest...I wanted him to listen more than talk. Just asking how are feeling today or is there anything I can do to help. I can remember wanting him to just give me a hug but not wanting him to touch me. So that one is a toughie. When he would just put his arms around me gently I would usually burst into tears and that was what I really needed. A good cry. No talking...just a good cry with him holding me. It can be just simple things that will help to bring back some communication...and that's a start.

Cris's idea is a great one! It seems that when you write it all down you can show your true intentions and your true feelings. It also will give her something to read from time to time to help her get through this.