Power to change

[BeingThere]

I spent 12 years trying to break free from this addiction. I could not have possibly tried harder. I spent nearly $23,000 on therapy, and far more hours "in recovery efforts" than I ever did in the addiction itself. It seems I tried everything under the sun to change.

Then one day, right after acting out, something changed. All of a sudden I knew that I could do at least one thing - stop using pornography. I joined another forum and spent the next couple of years in bloody hell, but not because of the addiction. It was because I was having to face reality and everything that was still wrong with me without my medication.

So I get asked all the time, what finally made you stop? My answer is I don't really know, other than I had finally reached the point where I was willing to do absolutely anything necessary. That included an operation if that's what would change me.

I had made the decision to stop using pornography at least 1000 times before. Each time was "my last". I would go on weekend retreats, use self-hypnosis, pray for hours on end, slap myself around, confess my sins, read my scriptures, do church every week, put faith in God, etc. None of that changed anything for me. None of those prior decisions stuck.

So what was different this time? The only real thing that I can point to is all of a sudden, I knew I could do it ... for real.

Methodology after that is probably a personal thing and has to be adjusted to individuals, but getting to the point where I was both willing to do anything I needed to and could actually believe it was possible seemed to be the key. How did I get there? I have no clue.

I do truly believe in the power of attraction/manifestation/assemblage of this world by our thoughts. It has become so crystal clear to me and so I am an enthusiastic advocate of "seek and ye shall find". That's my only explanation. I finally found what I had so diligently sought. But I fought myself all along the way.

I do remember a part of this initial belief and determination was the concept that I truly deserved a life free from addiction. It was a bit of self-respect and maybe even some rebellion against the things that had held me to my belief that I didn't deserve a decent life. There was a small shedding of shame at that point and a realization that I wasn't a "dirty old man", "porn addict", "pervert", "scum bag", etc. I was everything to me. I was all I had. And I realized that I would never have freedom handed to me.

So my point in all this is to offer to others the hope that there really is a point at which you will be able to break free, heal, shed your guilt and shame, and enter among the living. There will be a point in time when you will be handed the power to change permanently. Watch for it and grasp it when it comes.

-Mike

[artguy34]

Mike,

Kudos to you for finding your own road to recovery. I wish I had found the strength on my own. I hope others see you as a great example of perseverence in recovery. Many set-backs but at least you continued to try to seek the help you needed.

Now that you are on the right path, I wish you success in breaking the chains of this addiction!

AG
"Relapse is Not an Option"