for couples--question on reading each other's journals

[BelieveInHope]

For the couples on TTF, I am just wondering what you do about journals. Do you read each other's journals? Why or why not? What guidelines do each of you follow if you do read each other's journals? My H has started a journal, and I am considering starting one. I don't know if it would be a good thing for him to read mine and vice versa, or if it could be detrimental.

Will he edit his posts based on what he thinks I want to hear? Will he read my journal and tailor his recovery and his actions towards what he thinks I'm looking for? Or will reading my thoughts and feelings really help him to 'get it' in a concrete way? Will I get angry at things I read in his journal? Or will I be able to understand him better by reading?

Thoughts and advice much appreciated!

[JenMac]

Hi Believe!
My H and I are both on TTF and we do read each other's journal. Does it change what we each write? Hmmmm, good question! I would say for me, that I try to make sure that I am respectful of my H at all times and the fact that he will be reading my journal makes me all the more cognizant of that fact. Does it impede me in expressing myself? Not at all! I still say what I need to say, get out what I need to get out but hold myself to being aware of what/how I am saying things. It is like I am holding myself to a standard that I can be proud of, that I expect of myself. It doesn't mean I am candy coating anything, just that I am polite, considerate and aware of the way I speak. This is the person I love after all and I can at least expect myself to be considerate of his feelings through all of this, in the way I would be considerate of another's feelings, someone less important to me.
As for how my H feels, he would have to answer that! I am sure that he must consider how what he has to say will affect me too.
I am very hopeful that he would not just be creating his posts to impress me! That would be counterproductive to say the least! That is certainly not my experience/thinking through all of this!
It has in fact been a very healthy and healing thing that we are both here and can share our thoughts with each other! I have found that it is the starting point for many an important discussion! It has helped immensely in our relationship recovery to do exactly that.
Hope you find the healing you need here Believe! Sharing together can be a great beginning!
All the best!
Jenn

[rosie]

HI BIH,

We had a rule that he would not read my journal, and I agreed not to read his. The reasons being was.

a) I wanted a private space to vent and to get support without my words and daily thoughts shaping his recovery/responses.

b) Because I didn't want him constructing his journal based around what I was thinking/doing.

c) I knew my journal would be way more honest and open than his and I resented that.

I stuck by my promise to not read his until he told me he wanted me to and wanted me to comment in his. He didn't stick by his promise to not read mine.

I wanted my journal to be very raw and open and real and I was afraid that it would hurt him too much - taking responsibility yet again for his emotions - not great.

I think each person needs their own space for journaling and getting support - but if your HB is in active genuine recovery it could be a good tool to enable communication. People on TTF didn't agree with my stance on this ;)

[Cupcakemomma]

Just my 2 cents here... My bf is on here occasionally. He said I could read his journal, and on the very rare occasion he has posted I have read it. He hasn't even come near mine...
I think thats becuase reading it would make it all very real. But it's his choice and eventually he will have to accept my thoughts and feelings, so I would absolutley let him read it, even the parts I'm not super proud of.
Will it cause fights? It could. Will he try to tailor his recovery to it.... Well good luck because I'm all over the map :)

[Crisodian]

AG and I both read and comment in each other's journals. The only "rule", if there was one, was that neither one could "weaponize" whatever the other said. So if I went on a rant because I was having a tough day, he couldn't use it against me. And if he posted he was tempted or struggling, I couldn't hold it against him.

Actually, sharing our journals with each other started many a solid, beneficial, real life conversation.

My 2 cents.

[Mac]

Hey there BIN

My SO and i have always read each others journals.
Now you do raise a couple of interesting thoughts on this and I do think it is something to approach with some caution.
One being, will it sway what each of us has to say.
For me I do think that in the begining what Jenn had to say in her journal (JenMac is my SO) maybe did have an effect on some of the stuff i posted , but it also gave me even more insight into her feelings than i was getting by way of our conversations. So although there may have been a bit of influence in my early posts by what I was reading in hers, it was offset big time by what i was learning. For me just seeing what she had to say in writing had so much more of an impact on my thought process that it just became a means of really getting me thinking. When I look back on the progress I have made I can see that a lot of it stems from something I read in her journal that got me thinking. She has always been able to do that. (say some little thing to get me thinking)
So in the beginning maybe there may have been a little influence in a not so positive way, but it wasn't long before this had me opening up in ways i could have never imagined, I think her posts kind of just showed me the way and in the end for me it has been an absolutely great thing.
I can tell you this, at this point in my recovery, what i write in my journal is exactly what I have on my mind at that time. Sometimes that may mean addressing something Jenn has posted but that is only because we are here heeling together and our paths are very much inter connected here at TTF. I wouldn't want it any other way

Just my 2 cents

Mac

[Hopeful]

I have to agree with most of the replies and all I would like to add is...

by reading each others journals....we have found out a lot of wonderful things about each other that might have gone unsaid.

[Kathy]

Morning...

My husband (Chasman62) encouraged me to start journaling here after he had joined. I was very hesitant in the beginning...I didn't want to reach out to anyone 'through' a computer...

BUT...thank goodness he did, because this has been the best healing part of our recovery!!! I have to admit...I didn't think to read his posts in the beginning - I was selfish in just thinking about my own posts/feelings and excited about the establishment of my new friendships here.

Now, when he posts, I get the email - 99% of them make me feel so much better of myself; a feeling that I hadn't had in nearly 13 years!! So, yes, I'm glad to reading his posts and some of the other guys now...emotions/feelings is something we can all relate to most of the time...

You won't be sorry....

Welcome to TTF.

[mell]

First off, IMO, we should all be here for support. We can rant, if we need to, but the purpose of this forum is support.

My wife does not post much, but she does read a lot (including my journal). Our only rule is that we cannot use this forum as a means of communication between us. Therefore, everything that I post regarding our relationship has to be discussed in real life. It is yet another form of accountability for me.

Some things are hard to read, but that is honesty, and is essential to recovery. Over time, I have been able to come to this forum with complete openness and honesty, and it has helped in our personal communication. And we both get tons of support from the members here.

[artguy34]

I'll keep it short and simple because everyone who posted above me made great points!

If you have 100% honesty, 100% transparency, there will be no need to worry about what the other is posting. It should be a journal to reflect what you're thinking at the time. And for Crisodian and I, sometimes it was a good ice-breaker for conversations in the evening.