To SO's of PA SO's

[Borrowed Hope]

I want to say I understand you to a certain degree. I have a parent I'm living with who is an alcoholic, which isn't much different in my opinion.

It's a selfish addiction, although you plead and beg, they don't listen. It's lies and deception, for money, for attention. "I'll change, I promise."

A week later, whiskey bottles. You're embarassed because the trash man hears the sounds of bottles clinging in the bag.

Addict.

To a certain degree I know how you feel. There are some simliarities. There are differences. I'm sorry we've broken your trust, and made you plea and beg. I'm sorry you've had to face that ugliness placed within your life. That doubt within yourself to trust, that doubt to love again. I'm sorry.

It's a constant heart break after the next. It's not easy. I can only imagine what this does to the SO's.

I know to some I might get told this has nothing to do with PA, but I think it does. I can see the ugliness in an addiction and realize what I've done. I've thought of myself, not of her/him in our lives. Plainly saying sorry, after the 10th time doesn't mean anything. We need to own up to our words and be sincere. Repair a severed relationship. Not for sexual pleasure. No. To repair ourselves or we're going to be very alone. SO's deserve more. Tonight, I've learned another lesson from someone else. An addict. like myself in a different way. In the end, it's something in the way of our lives that keep us from living how we are.

Thank you. Comments welcome please.
Borrowed Hope

[Crisodian]

BH,
It's a rare place to find yourself on both sides of the addiction coin - an addict in recovery AND the significant other of an addict. SO doesn't just mean spouse, it can be a child, partner, close friend, etc.

I walk the same path. There are others among us here at TTF as well.

For me, it has allowed me to close some chapters of my past life by making ammends to those I had not really cleared the air with due to my addiction. It has also given me the gift of being able to be compasionate and understanding on both fronts.

The best advice I can share with you is not to get caught up in the in-between. It's a hard path to follow because the hurt comes from both directions.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[TooSensitive]

BH, I appreciate your honesty, your candor. I am an SO/Partner. I imagine it took a lot of courage for you to post what you wrote. There is always the chance of a lashback or negative feedback. Though I haven’t yet noticed that on this board, I have seen it enough on the other board I visit. But it seems you have gained some empathy for partners, now being in the position you are, on the other side of the fence. You have now walked in our shoes, to some degree. You don’t know exactly what we go through, and you aren’t claiming that you do; you are only saying you can imagine at least some of what we go through.

No, alcoholism, or any other addiction for that matter, is not the same as PA/SA, and you have acknowledged that. Nonetheless, there are many similarities, that are the hallmark features of all addictions. And as a result, all partners/SOs will also experience many similarities in their experiences and what they feel, as well as on their journeys along the path to their own healing and recovery. There are common features to all recoveries, too, that cross the boundaries between addicts and SOs. Each must learn to feel empathy for the other, as hard as that can be to achieve.

You are not minimizing what we go through as SOs to PAs/SAs. You are acknowledging what we go through, as best you can, from where you sit. And for that I thank you.

There may be some partners who still struggle to a high degree with anger. I did too, for a long time (at least a year). Those partners might not yet be able to appreciate what you have written. I would understand that. I only hope they would be able to look past their anger to see the beauty in what you have written. Just as it takes an addict awhile before he gains empathy, it also takes a partner awhile before she gains empathy for the addict, too. Before that happens, there can be not only a lot of anger, but also, a lot of resentment. There are still some days on which I struggle with one or both of those 2 negative emotions, among many others, too. But they aren’t as intense as they once were, and I am better able to manage them now, so that I am not taking them out on anyone else, esp. my h. It is all a process.

At the height of my anger, I probably would have thought to myself, “He’s got some nerve, thinking he knows what I’ve gone through”. Since I’ve been able to dissipate much of my anger, I now think, “He’s got a lot of courage and empathy, acknowledging what I’ve gone through, as best he can”.

I am finding that empathy, as well as some compassion and understanding, are replacing my anger, resentment, and other negative emotions. I think for an addict who has crossed that threshold to feeling empathy for Partners, no matter how he got there, he is better able to replace his feelings of guilt and shame with that empathy, as well as some compassion and understanding for the Partner’s experience, too.

No matter the addiction, yes, there is a lot of heartbreak. If you can find the silver lining in your own experience with the shoe on the other foot with your parent, perhaps that would be it has helped give you the ability to feel this empathy for other SOs. You may also be in a unique position, as a fellow addict, to help them along the way to their own recoveries, should they decide they want to go there. But you know better than anyone that for an addict who does not sincerely want recovery for themselves, there will be no recovery achieved. When that is the case, that can be more heartbreaking than the addiction itself.

I am sorry to hear you are having to go through this yourself. I know someone in real life who is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, and not only did she grow up in a household full of addicts, she also faces being an SO again as an adult, b/c her own grown children are both alcoholics and drug addicts, too. She spends her entire week going to support group meetings – AA, Al-Anon, NA, N-Anon, Recovery Inc., and the group I also attend for mood disorders (mental illness, such as bipolar and depression). She’s had a rough life and a tough row to hoe, but she has done it. She manages herself remarkably well. She is an inspiration to me. So no matter what we experience in life or face, recovery IS possible. It all depends on whether or not we’re willing to do what it takes to get there. My friend is remarkable, you are remarkable, and the human spirit inside us all is remarkable, too.

[artguy34]

So no matter what we experience in life or face, recovery IS possible. It all depends on whether or not we’re willing to do what it takes to get there.

True words for any PA to live by!

[Borrowed Hope]

BH, I appreciate your honesty, your candor. I am an SO/Partner. I imagine it took a lot of courage for you to post what you wrote. There is always the chance of a lashback or negative feedback. Though I haven’t yet noticed that on this board, I have seen it enough on the other board I visit. But it seems you have gained some empathy for partners, now being in the position you are, on the other side of the fence. You have now walked in our shoes, to some degree. You don’t know exactly what we go through, and you aren’t claiming that you do; you are only saying you can imagine at least some of what we go through.

No, alcoholism, or any other addiction for that matter, is not the same as PA/SA, and you have acknowledged that. Nonetheless, there are many similarities, that are the hallmark features of all addictions. And as a result, all partners/SOs will also experience many similarities in their experiences and what they feel, as well as on their journeys along the path to their own healing and recovery. There are common features to all recoveries, too, that cross the boundaries between addicts and SOs. Each must learn to feel empathy for the other, as hard as that can be to achieve.

You are not minimizing what we go through as SOs to PAs/SAs. You are acknowledging what we go through, as best you can, from where you sit. And for that I thank you.

There may be some partners who still struggle to a high degree with anger. I did too, for a long time (at least a year). Those partners might not yet be able to appreciate what you have written. I would understand that. I only hope they would be able to look past their anger to see the beauty in what you have written. Just as it takes an addict awhile before he gains empathy, it also takes a partner awhile before she gains empathy for the addict, too. Before that happens, there can be not only a lot of anger, but also, a lot of resentment. There are still some days on which I struggle with one or both of those 2 negative emotions, among many others, too. But they aren’t as intense as they once were, and I am better able to manage them now, so that I am not taking them out on anyone else, esp. my h. It is all a process.

At the height of my anger, I probably would have thought to myself, “He’s got some nerve, thinking he knows what I’ve gone through”. Since I’ve been able to dissipate much of my anger, I now think, “He’s got a lot of courage and empathy, acknowledging what I’ve gone through, as best he can”.

I am finding that empathy, as well as some compassion and understanding, are replacing my anger, resentment, and other negative emotions. I think for an addict who has crossed that threshold to feeling empathy for Partners, no matter how he got there, he is better able to replace his feelings of guilt and shame with that empathy, as well as some compassion and understanding for the Partner’s experience, too.

No matter the addiction, yes, there is a lot of heartbreak. If you can find the silver lining in your own experience with the shoe on the other foot with your parent, perhaps that would be it has helped give you the ability to feel this empathy for other SOs. You may also be in a unique position, as a fellow addict, to help them along the way to their own recoveries, should they decide they want to go there. But you know better than anyone that for an addict who does not sincerely want recovery for themselves, there will be no recovery achieved. When that is the case, that can be more heartbreaking than the addiction itself.

I am sorry to hear you are having to go through this yourself. I know someone in real life who is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, and not only did she grow up in a household full of addicts, she also faces being an SO again as an adult, b/c her own grown children are both alcoholics and drug addicts, too. She spends her entire week going to support group meetings – AA, Al-Anon, NA, N-Anon, Recovery Inc., and the group I also attend for mood disorders (mental illness, such as bipolar and depression). She’s had a rough life and a tough row to hoe, but she has done it. She manages herself remarkably well. She is an inspiration to me. So no matter what we experience in life or face, recovery IS possible. It all depends on whether or not we’re willing to do what it takes to get there. My friend is remarkable, you are remarkable, and the human spirit inside us all is remarkable, too.

Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to post your position on this letter to the SO's. It means a lot to me that you let me know how you felt about it.

I think the risk of it outshines the lashing out. Although I haven't been lashed at, because I respect those around me and try to. If I feel as if I've made someone mad, or upset I own up to my mistake and apologize. Even if I'm made fun of for it. It's wiped from my conscious and its theirs now :). I appreciate your words, and giving examples on how empathy works within recovery. I didn't see it that way. That's why no matter how much we think we can do it alone, we have accountability in one way shape or form.

Again, I thank you for your time and your words.

BH