Breaking Patterns and learning from each other

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Breaking Patterns -SOs...

We have had some bumps on TTF lately, but that's ok, we can learn from them.

The most obvious thing I noticed is that SOs fell back into certain patterns as a result of PA faulty communication.

What happened? There was an issue, but it was not directly addressed. The issue may have involved a person in real life, or someone on TTF, or a combination of people on TTF. We don't know. All we know is there was an issue, and it was indirectly addressed on TTF.

What was the SO reaction? There was some tension, to put it mildly. The most interesting thing to see was the instant self-doubt and self-blame on the part of SOs. I include myself, because although I didn't feel this way this time, there have been similar instances on TTF that affected me that way.

Why do we as SOs go from a place of strength to a place of doubt because of an addict's words? We know we are right to feel what we feel, whether its anger, hurt, or whatever. As some wise person on TTF said already, feelings are feelings, not bad or good. They just are. So, you feel what you feel. You know you have cause. You try to work through it. You know you are right. Then, some passive agressiveness, blame, and hostility from a PA, and bam, you doubt yourself. What did you do? What did you say wrong? Why weren't you more compassionate and kind and patient? Did you do something to affect someone's recovery? Are your feelings and the expression of those feelings WRONG because it affected someone else in what they perceive as a negative way?

Do you see the patterns here? Even more interesting is that no one was named, yet multiple people took the blame on themself. This isn't even our PA partner, yet we doubt ourselves when the addiction speaks.

We all have a responsibility to treat people with respect. Until the initial post that started this tension, I didn't notice a negative vibe on TTF? Did you? Maybe I am just oblivious. The most negativity I saw was confined to people's journals, and those people were going through some REALLY hard stuff. And even when there was anger and negativity in personal journals, it was balanced with the SO looking at themselves for how they can personally improve and grow, and yes, support their PA even when they were hurting deeply. I call that respect. Respect for the PA and self-respect.

Let's all beware of patterns. Part of SO healing has to include KNOWING where they stand and the rightness of it. You have feelings, sometimes they aren't pretty, but you have them and you have the right to respectfully address them on TTF. And you have the right to express them however you have to in your home, with your partner, who introduced these feelings in the first place. Balance and calm will eventually return, believe it or not. If you have to rage for years but your partner is in recovery, then maybe you two have other issues to work on. But, that's another post.

Finally, if the PA is committed to recovery, they will not be driven off by you or anyone else. Do be respectful, but you don't have to keep silent about things that are said here. This community may not be for everyone. Some people might get mad and not like this community, but if they are COMMITTED, they will go somewhere else. It is a big web.

The PA owns their recovery, and you own yours. Let's break some patterns.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Breaking Patterns- PAs and communication
What can the PA learn from the recent tension on TTF? Did you notice the SO reaction?

Something commonly discussed on TTF is the difficulty some PAs have with communication. Conflict avoidance is a biggie. Do you have trouble expressing your wants, needs, and emotions or asking for help? That's pretty common too. Not only is there difficulty in expressing these things, but there is the belief that even if you did say something, you would not be heard. Or worse, no one really cares, so why bother, because you will never get what you want anyway. Passive aggressiveness is a nice tool in the PA tool box . This way you can make a statement, but still hide. Another trait is keeping silent, even when your partner asks you what you want, think or feel.

I am sure PAs don't want to have trouble communicating. Some people are just that way. For others, it is a learned trait, and its hard to unlearn. But isn't it also possible that failure to communicate is a way to hold on to your addiction? If you don't address problems, then you don't solve them, and then you have a reason to act out. You don't get what you want? Well, then you will take what you want. Your partner doesn't want to hear you or listen to you? You will just hold angry conversations in your head and do what you want, since you are the only person who cares about you any way. Do you see how communication issues play into your addiction?

Do you see how failure to communicate drives your SO crazy? OK, maybe I am speaking for myself on this one! LOL. The recent issues on TTF are a great case study. There was an issue, but it wasn't directly addressed. The way it was addressed ensured there would be no resolution. The way it was addressed encouraged SOs to look at themselves and take on the responsibility of another person's healing and recovery. SOs were encouraged to think that by having feelings and taking a stand and demanding respect in their relationships, they were somehow wrong. Not only were they wrong, but they were actually the possible cause of someone failing in their sobriety or turning away from sobriety altogether.
Have you as a PA had any conversations like this with your SO? Do you see from what happened here how even a little denial and mis-communication can derail your SO?

Recovery is NOT about just giving up the substance of choice. That is the first step of course, but after that, there is so much more. A wise person will take learning to communicate as part of their recovery process. If you have an issue, deal with it directly. Maybe the issue will be resolved and maybe it won't. But, if you keep doing what you always do, you will keep getting what you always get. I think it shows respect and maturity to address a person directly, or even through a moderator if you aren't quite there yet.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Timing is everything

People are all in different stages of healing here. We should try to keep in mind that our perspective changes over time. Rudeness and disrespect are always unwelcome. But, accountability, honesty, hurt, calling people out, supporting people, helping someone up after a relapse, etc.... all of those things might be taken in different ways depending on your stage of recovery.

What makes you uncomfortable now might have you nodding and saying "right on!" a few months from now. Remember, it is all about perspective.
TTF is a community and there is a certain "feel" to the site. This may change a little as people come and go, but it still stays pretty even. SOs and PAs are here. We all have feelings and experiences. Most of us feel free to talk to one another. Sometimes people say things that other people might not want to hear, but normally, what is said does someone some good.

TTF might not be for everyone. That's ok. The internet is a big place. If you just don't like the interaction and feel of TTF, find something else that works for you. But don't think that if you don't like it here, that recovery isn't for you. Recovery must come from inside you. If you need TTF to make you feel good about it, then perhaps you aren't quite there yet.

Let's beware of patterns and learn from each other. The SO is responsible for her own recovery, but if she is choosing to stay with you as you recover, you have a HUGE impact on her ability to recover and move forward. Because of the intensely personal nature of this addiction, the default setting for most SOs is "its my fault, because I wasn't... or didn't... or couldn't.... ." We as SOs already take the blame of the addiction on ourselves, and you need to learn to communicate as you recovere to help us. And of course, the SO needs to learn to communicate in new ways with their PA partner. I have addressed that already, and this is long enough. I am aware that SOs have responsibilities in communication too. Just remember, the SO did nothing to make you a PA, and you must own your recovery no matter what. But, the SO's recovery is parallel to yours, and it is difficult, if not impossible for the SO to recover if the PA chooses not to.

I don't like it when there are issues here on TTF. But, I have seen people really try to work through things and take it as a learning opportunity. I am proud of all of us here on TTF.

[BeingThere]

I very much like all these posts.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I just re-read what I posted and I hope I don't sound self righteous or preachy. I had a lot in my head today and I had to get it out. I have my own monkeys. It helps me to write down what i am thinking so I can figure out what I am thinking. But like anything on TTF, take or toss. :D

[Aloevera]

I've just re-read it and no it isn't preachy or self righteous. I think your perspective is enlightening.
AV

[grasshopper]

Great perspective here.

One of the best things about this forum is the way SOs and PAs help each other. It is amazing it doesn't break down and end in tears more often. But when it does work, it is miraculous!!

I get the impression that all parties involved in this little tiff are bigger than the problem itself and are ready already to move on.

I have much to learn...
Grasshopper

(70s TV show reference intended)

[rosie]

Intelligent, insightful and measured as always WONLM. I would expect nothing less of you. NOT preachy at all.

Thanks for posting WONLM.