Married With Porn

[RootedinGod]

I will be the first person to step up and say, I mess up allot in my marriage. I am not perfect and even after 20+ years I still mess up. I read so many post in here where the SO puts them self above the process of the others addiction.

I have to say that my addiction was my doing however, that is not to say SO's do not have their own illness's that bring complications to the table when other addictions are present.

Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone !

SO's are obviously not responsible for the addiction in a marriage,
BUT.. they are equally responsible for a relationship.
If a person is Bi-polar, or has depression to name a few will have a huge impact on whether or not you are approachable by the addict.
I mean if you are a judgmental, person that yells and screams, or
has to be the center of attention. If its always about you??
Well then you play a huge part in a relationship not working too.

I have been a counselor long enough to whatch families and SO's play the marter. If you are a victim of a person's porn addictiion I get that. But that does not give you rights to parade holier then thou either.

Addicts are human beings just like you, and I challenge anyone to say they have no faults.

In my Alocohol and Drug recovery I would hear SO's look down upon the addict as if they were better somehow, I now can look at what we call Normies and go well, I have learned life skills.
The same is with Porn,MB,SA these addicts will learn tools and will become better ppl.
What are the normies doing to be better ppl, what will you do when there is no one else to cut down?

I am not hear at TTF to make pals, ( cool if it happens) but I am here to get and keep sober. I am not here to win a popularity contest, obviously with my post :-)

I am a human being, not scum, or a dirt bag.
I wonder if I was blowing my cash at the casino and could not pay rent because that addiction, or could not stop smoking. The SO's would care less. Just because it PA.MB.SA and it has to do with them all of a sudden they have the right to say we are not worthy. I have to say that I am a good person regrdless of my addictioins and I know God loves me as I am .
It's I who want a better life free from porn.

[Cupcakemomma]

What are the normies doing to be better ppl, what will you do when there is no one else to cut down?

RiG,
Just a thought... you ask questions and make statements to the effect that you are cut down or degraded in some way, and yet right here you degrade and generalize ALL SO's and group us all as "Normies" who also brought problems...
Quite frankly, I'm far from "norm" and while I may have brought problems into my life as well, I will NOT take the blame for PA.
Through my own recovery from drug addiction I have learned that the addict MUST take responsibility for their addiction and resulting fall-out and worry about what they can do to recover and leave others to their own path.
What I see here, IMO, is an addict looking for a way out of recovery through blame tactics and diversions. If it was drugs or ciggarettes or gambling, it would STILL be an addiction, and it would still only be resolved by accepting and working at recovery.
Sorry if you find this offensive, but you said you like bluntness, and seriousness and aren't here to make friends, so there it is.

[Hopeful]

Rooted in God,

Compassion comes to mind and I agree with your post.

It's I who want a better life free from porn.

That is what is so important in your recovery.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

RIG-

I am not sure what this post has to do with recovery for PAs or SOs? This is the second of a similar type of post that you have made, so I am not sure if you are getting personally attacked or what. Please contact a moderator or the person directly. The moderator can help mediate issues if you don't want to talk to the person directly.

This type of post takes away from why we are all here, which is recovery. I don't want to see this thread become some sort of battle ground, so I respectfully ask our members and moderators to make sure this doesn't happen.

[JenMac]

Hi RIG!
It is a hard situation we find ourselves in as SOs. We have been hurt to the core and we will often respond with anger or lashing out because of that hurt. It is true that 'anger is hurt turned outward' after all.
Having said that, I agree with what you are saying here.
It definately takes 2 to make a relationship work! It will take all of our efforts to put our relationships back together again if that is what we choose to do! We have to dig deep to carry ourselves with dignity and respect for ourselves and our partners, regardless of the hurt and pain. If we are to have any chance at recovery we have to learn to communicate with respect and care for each other. Even if our relationships are not going to recover it is important for our own self respect to deal in this way, to expect the best from ourselves.
Yes RIG, it can be done! Even through all of the hurt and pain, it is possible to rise above and be the best we can be!
All the best!
Jenn

[Mac]

RIG
Thanks for a great post.
I think the majority of us here, PA's and SO's alike know we are not perfect. Your post should serve to remind us all of that.
It also puts to the forefront exactly why we are here, not to defend ourselves but to recover and make a better life for ourselves and our SO's. Working together for a common goal.
Thanks to all the PA's and SO's here that share that vision.

Thanks again my friend
mac

[rosie]

This is the 2nd post in 2 days about this sort of thing. What is going on RIG?

I have NEVER seen anyone on this site (admittedly, ive only been here 2 months) say that a PA is scum or dirt, etc. What the hell RIG?

SO's are here to support their partners - and also to get healing for themselves. Their healing is as important (actually, I think its more important actually because this was inflicted upon them, rather than them making the choice).

I saw this sort of attitude in my marriage. My husband would blame my reactions to his betrayals- which was DEPRESSION, anxiety, and emotional upheaval as a way to justify what he was doing.

At the end of the day. More denial and blame-shifting does not help your recovery. There is only ONE person responsible for your acting out and lying and that is YOU.

And i'm gonna say it.. if you are lying and cheating you are not worthy of having a partner. You are not good enough.

[Borrowed Hope]

I will be the first person to step up and say, I mess up allot in my marriage.

We're not perfect. None of us are.

Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone !

I agree!

I have been a counselor long enough to whatch families and SO's play the marter. If you are a victim of a person's porn addictiion I get that. But that does not give you rights to parade holier then thou either.

Addicts are human beings just like you, and I challenge anyone to say they have no faults.

I can see where you might take some journal entries as lashing. But, we all use our journals (as you have my friend) to let out that frustration and try to understand. SO's are trying to support each other with our addiction. Some SO's are having a difficult time with wording and I understand where it is you're feeling like we're getting kicked while we're down. But we need to understand their feelings as we try to understand our own. That's the healing process in my opinion. I know there have been some posts that made me upset, (one that states that men that are in their twenties have a harder time than older men with recovery for example)but I take it as an opinion. Everyone is entitlied to it, and I won't take that away from them :). I let it out too, so its only fair they do the same. :).

I am not hear at TTF to make pals, ( cool if it happens) but I am here to get and keep sober. I am not here to win a popularity contest, obviously with my post :-)

I appreciate your honesty!

For what its worth, I look forward to your posts in the future!

Borrowed Hope.

[Phil413]

Hi, R.I.G. I get the impression from your post that you feel like you, or PA's in general, are being attacked by the SO's here. If you could provide examples, I'd be interested to see them. Until then, I have to say that I've been very impressed by the SO's here. Every one I've interacted with has been very kind to me, and very supportive, too. They've cheered me on just as enthusiastically as the other PA's have. Just take a glance at my journal and you'll see.

Phil

[grasshopper]

As a porn addict I am prone to lying to myself (as well as my wife) so I need challenges to see past my own BS. I have been challenged deeply on TTF, but no SO on this forum has cast a stone at me. If someone casts a stone, report them to a mod.

Each addiction has its own defining characteristics. Sex addiction is different to drug/gambling/etc addictions because it strikes at the heart of what makes a relationship sacred.

Recovery is uncomfortable.