Is it the Addict or Addictions Fault ?

[RootedinGod]

I really like this forum, and why I realize all walks and talks and varied families and members come here.
At times I feel like the addict not the addiction is at times taken down. I read quite a few posts and I realize there is huge frustration and hurt feelings. But I also know just like AA there are very few places ppl with PA and alike can come and feel safe.
With my fellow addicts I feel safe and supported. But every once and awhile I accidently jump into a post by accidents and feel attacked or there is fun being made trying to catch someone etc, even though its not againt me it does feel like a violation.

I know in my Alocohol addiction the addict stands alone with other addicts as only they know what it feels like to be the addict. There is a fellowship in recovery that bonds those ppl.
I feel that here with my fellow addict.

However that said I read where it look like ( my opinion) it will look like game playing, setting up, and bashing an addict as opposed to the addiction its self. I read were ppl not the addiction are played upon.

I guess this forum puts like AA and Alanon together would be like.
I have been to a few co-meetings in AA and you have some real pissed off and hurt people in Alanon.

I guess what I am saying is, I am not the addict in your life, I am not part of whom ever you may know's addiction.
I try very hard to be sensitive when I write in this forum, all I guess I am commenting on is once in awhile I feel like the addict is being hung who ever it is they know, and not the addiction.

Due to the shame we addicts already face, I am hoping other will realize we can not just stand in the streets and ask for help.
This is a safe haven I would hope for the addict, to get a recovery started and supported.

I just do not feel as safe as I could here at times.

Thank you for listening, it is something I am passionette about.

[BeingThere]

I'll be straight. Fault doesn't matter at all. Meaningles horse$hit. Faggeddaboudit.

There's only one thing to remember: You are the only one responsible for this. By responsible, I mean you're the one that has to live your life and you're the only one that can change it.

It matters not at all what an SO may say to you or anyone else. Don't internalise that. Take it for what it is ... someone that's been very hurt by this and may harbor resentment (justified) at porn in general. Anyone associated with it becomes the enemy.

I'll flat out tell you that the past doesn't matter. That includes two seconds ago. It doesn't effing matter if you just acted out. You're still the same person (with a few more chemicals floating around in your brain) that you were two hours ago, two days ago, two minute from now ... you get the picture.

We get all caught up in guilt and shame. That's total bullshiza! Neither guilt nor shame has ever cured anyone. They just keep us bound, circling the addiction like a ball teathered to the pole and the world just can't resist hitting us. Can you blame them? What else do you do with a teatherball?

Cut the string. Screw the porn. You don't need it. There. Now you can go on with life. Right now. This instant. Is it that simple? Yes, it is. You just have to realise it. When you finally realise that porn isn't necessary and that you don't have to act on impulses, you will be able to just walk away. For God's sake, you want to don't you?

I'm not trying to be mean, simplistic or anything else. And I'm not taking the SO's side either. There are no sides here. Neither the addict nor the SO needs to continue being the victim. That is purely a choice.

If you disagree with what an SO says, say so. Nobody's going to kill you. If 20 of them gang up on you and tell you you're wrong, seriously consider everything they say. If you still disagree, say so. As far as I know, you have that right here. They don't make the rules. And I can certainly tell you that I disbelieve about half the "rules" of recovery. Recoveryism is full of untruths imo. But so is porn addiction.

Screw safety. We're not safe anywhere. One of the best things I ever did was step up and reveal my identity to people and let them know I was a porn addict. Secrecy just protects the addiction. I'm not saying shout from rooftops, just that safety is the realm where we cower and whip ourselves with guilt and shame. I doubt anyone EVER recovered that way.

Everyone's running from porn here. Screw that too. Recovery. That means you're getting back something you had or should have had. What is that? Have you ever run a foot race? How fast can you run when you're looking behind you? First rule is run toward the finish line and don't look back. Same thing here. We must move toward something good, not away from something bad.

What kind of person do you want to be? Don't put anything in that description about pornography. In every other way, what kind of person do you want to be? Fill your life with that and you won't care about porn anymore.

Finding peace in the midst of the storm. I like that. And when the winds are blowing all around you, where is that peace? When SO's are attacking you, where is that peace? It is in side of you, of course. Inside. In a place where no one can touch it.

The reason I'm in this forum is to tell you that you can. I guarantee it. You don't need SO approval to break free of pornography addiction. Your methodology doesn't have to be rubber-stamped by the anti-porn commission. It's whatever it takes ... whatever it takes for you to break free. And when you are ready to do whatever it takes, you will find success.

And now, I'll say some things that will probably piss a bunch of people off. There's nothing wrong with you. You are not handicapped, messed up, dirty, filthy, damaged or even a filthy-scum-sinner. Not, not, not, not. You are one of the most amazing beings this universe knows. I could fill pages explaining why. Just trust me. The real enemy is in thinking you are all the things this world has labeled you.

Think on this. If the last time you acted out was the last time you ever act out, you are free from the addiction already. Even if that was two minutes ago. It's behind you and you are 100% clean. Perfect? No. Clean? Yes. That's all that stands between you and zero guilt.

There's a saying I love. I'll paraphrase for emphasis. To stew about things of the past serves only to destroy the present. Until we can find a way to actually change the past, no amount of regret will change a GD'd thing. So where is our focus? Now. This moment.

I also love the Chinese proverb: Fall six times, get up seven. That means you can't fail.

Albert Camus describes the fate of sisyphus (the dude in Greek mythology that is fated to spend eternity pushing a boulder up a mountain only to have it roll back down and start over) as one of joy. We must assume that he eventually finds peace with his fate because suffering is only in the mind. Suffering is only perception.

Well, blah blah blah as usual. I'll shut up now. Just know that I totally understand where you're coming from because I've been there. And know that I have absolute confidence that you can and will beat this. You have my complete support.

-Mike

[RootedinGod]

Mike, that was a awesome post and put me in perspective.
I needed a good read like that to straighten my A** out.

Thanks I really appreciate your straight forwardness.


Paul,
RIG

[Mac]

R in G

Mike really does put this in a great place.
I think a lot of us PA's here have felt some of the same things as you. What we have to remember is, we definately get a lot more good constructive critisism from the SO's on this site than we do any kind of bashing. I guess every now and then you are going to run across someone, because of things they are dealing with or maybe not dealing with that are going want step on you like a bug. When this kind of thing happens you have to look at it as just something beyond your control. You really have to think that if someone comes here, someone that knows nothing about you other than the little bit they have picked up here and wants to judge you directly. You would have to realize that it really isn't anything to do with you, just simply, as (Mike says) someone with an overall resentment for P in general.
Be sure to grasp onto the constuctive and positive input from your friends here and just let the horse---- pass on by.

Keep it going

Mac

[Charly22]

While I agree with everyone's responses to your original post....I also agree with what you were trying to say, and kinda feel like I need to take note of it. I have posted a couple of times in the pa's journals, and a couple of times, sure didn't feel good about what I just wrote. It felt like I WAS attacking, accusing, pointing a finger. Of course I can feel like what I was trying to say was the truth, but it's like trying to encourage an overweight person to lose weight by saying "your fat". Doesn't work. Makes the pain worse. Nothing positive is gained.

[RootedinGod]

Thanks everyone I think I have a better perspective.
I know somedays its really doesn'y matter what a person says, but when struggling you come on her and to be honest I would feel worse. Yes thats my own doing as I very much understand the ppl here are not attacking me.

Only think I could even think of is when ppl talk about Abortion or a womens rightto choose. Depending on the reader, it can go real wrong real quick.

But I do get it, just does not always feel good .
LoL but I am also a grownup and no one can make me feel anything I don't let be felt. :-)

[BeingThere]

Now that I said my bit about how I feel, I must confess that during much of my recovery on NP, the SO's sent me to the nut house time and time again. I didn't really go off on anyone (I hope) but I ran to my room bawling my eyes out. I know that feeling. The feeling like all SO's have the morally-superior ground and that whatever they say should be law. Not the case. They're just in pain like the rest of us.

And another, more important confession. I learned more about recovery, feeling, and happiness from the SO's than I did the RA's. Don't get me wrong, there are RA's I absolutely adore that offered me their hand, their suggestions, and kindness. But the SO's became my fast friends. I can easily say that I am closer to some of them than I was even with my ex-wife. And that's a lesson in and of itself. To this day, there are a few that mean so much to me, even though they actually made me hurt so deeply I wanted to die.

And from them I didn't just learn deep empathy, I learned that it's OK to disagree. Sometimes I was right. Sometimes I was wrong. But I was always entitled and required to make my own decision.

I dissent from popular opinion in many areas. My friends know that. Some disagree. But they respect my right to my opinion and they don't judge me, kind and beautiful souls they are. If it werent for this addiction, I would not know them, and for that, I can honestly be thankful that I had the addiction in the first place. Strange but true.

This is a real issue, I know. We alway have to remember that everyone here is just like us in the deepest part of their heart. We all feel pain. We all want love. We all sometimes feel inadequate. We are all mistaken and sometimes have to eat crow. And we are all amazingly beautiful beings. I am so thankful to know so many souls as I do.

-Mike

[chasman62]

I guess I dont really understand what you are driving at RiG. There are lots of people on here that I disagree with (and given your moniker probably you would be one of them to some extent) but basically you take what you need and discard the rest.

There is no recipe to follow, no sure and certain path to recovery. We are all on our journey. We all fell into this pit for different reasons and so each of us has to find our own way out.

If you dont like something someone posted on here tell them. No need to be rude about it, but state your opinion. Just because you are a p/sa doesnt mean you have no value, just as all the SOs don't have immediate supremacy of thought simply by the fact that they are somebody's SO.

I have my own opinions about this 'addiction' (hate that word) and I have never felt intimated to state them.

[Aloevera]

Everyone's running from porn here.
Screw that too.
Recovery.
That means you're getting back something you had or should have had. What is that? Have you ever run a foot race? How fast can you run when you're looking behind you? First rule is run toward the finish line and don't look back. Same thing here. We must move toward something good, not away from something bad. (I have put this in blue cos it's cool).

What kind of person do you want to be? Don't put anything in that description about pornography. In every other way, what kind of person do you want to be? Fill your life with that and you won't care about porn anymore.

Finding peace in the midst of the storm. I like that. And when the winds are blowing all around you, where is that peace? When SO's are attacking you, where is that peace? It is in side of you, of course. Inside. In a place where no one can touch it.

I also love the Chinese proverb: Fall six times, get up seven. That means you can't fail.

Albert Camus describes the fate of sisyphus (the dude in Greek mythology that is fated to spend eternity pushing a boulder up a mountain only to have it roll back down and start over) as one of joy. We must assume that he eventually finds peace with his fate because suffering is only in the mind. Suffering is only perception.

Well, blah blah blah as usual. I'll shut up now. Just know that I totally understand where you're coming from because I've been there. And know that I have absolute confidence that you can and will beat this. You have my complete support.

-Mike

I liked these parts the most and laughed at the blah blah blah. Thanks Mike
AV

[HopefulsRock]

RIG, I see lots of great words here from from some of my favorite people here at TTF and I'll stand by them and you... keep posting and sharing cause I value your opinion.

Don't forget what you asked for in your first post here at TTF;

I am sneaky and know the tricks well. I am looking for someone who is not afraid to tell me I am full of crap when I am]

PS. Like the name change by the way!... RootedinGod you have my support.