Anger

[maggie]

My PA appears remorseful.

He is definitely embarrassed over his choices and behavior and the risks he took while using.

He is thankful that his family and none of his co-workers know what he was doing. He is trying to rebuild trust with me, wants to rebuild our marriage and he is seeing a therapist who specializes in this addiction.

The ugliness of it all is still shocking. The abuse, the humiliation of women, the vulgar words and actions... and all used to excite.

He was a kind man. I have never seen him hurt anyone, in words or actions. He's not dumb, but he is naive in a way and I guess the p industry recognizes this aspect and hones in on it.

So, I can understand the enticement, the ease of use and the addictive nature of p. I have faced the sickness and vulgarity of it all.

But, his anger. He was not an angry, nasty man at all.

While he was using, he would glare at me with the most severe look, whenever I walked into his private office. It would shock me. In the beginning, I'd ask if he were mad at me. Later, I just expected the nasty glare, whenever I walked in. Most of the time, I was bringing him a coffee or a snack, while he was working. Of course, the mystery of this angry look of hatred, has all cleared up now. I know. He knows. I was interrupting his viewing.

I keep remembering that look of ' hatred ' in his eyes.

That I can't get over.

[want2bebetter]

Maggie, I don't have the wisdom to say much to you, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing. One other thought: because you've been so hurt, it must make forgiveness really hard. And maybe sometimes to be wondering, does he deserve forgiveness? (I don't have an SO, but I haven't been forgiven by... myself, that I know for sure). I think the reason forgiveness is so powerful is because it does come from hurt, it is difficult, it makes you vulnerable again, and it isn't required. It's a choice. Your choice.

I don't know what I'd do in your situation but I'm pretty sure I'd still be angry. Yup, good title for the post.

[Hopeful]

Maggie....everything you wrote felt as if I had written it. I know very well the look of Hate. I thought all the same things you did. He also never treated anyone else that way and they would have never believed he could be that way.

I do know that he is doing very well but I still remember all the nastiness and feelings of despair when I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong......I really think that we have the harder job here. We weren't doing and saying all the things they were but I feel like we are supposed to wipe those memories clean just because they are. It's a tough one. Even now, if he gets a little irritated I immediately remember all the hateful looks and get scared that things won't change.

Let's hope we can start remembering the good things, the laughs.....the sooner the better!

[Daniel]

But, his anger. He was not an angry, nasty man at all.

While he was using, he would glare at me with the most severe look, whenever I walked into his private office. It would shock me. In the beginning, I'd ask if he were mad at me. Later, I just expected the nasty glare, whenever I walked in. ... I was interrupting his viewing.

I keep remembering that look of ' hatred ' in his eyes.

That I can't get over.

maggie,

This is a very tough thing to deal with no question. Memories... what a double-edged sword they can be.

Everyone I've ever met has an ugly side.

Someone I know and respect observed one day:

"Everyone has a dark side. Let's just hope it's not too dark."

You already recognize that your H's behavior was so removed from his normal visage as to render him unrecognizable.

Perhaps a way to think about it, in an attempt to reduce the pain of that memory, is to consider your H is currently the New H; the one who used P and glared and looked angry because his fixes were being interrupted is the 'old H'.

He appears to be working hard on leaving the past behind, as we all should.

That 'old H' doesn't sound like the Real H of maggie...

Daniel

[Sonomette]

Daniel,

That advice is so spot on. I think I'll try it myself, and separate the old H from the new H in my case too.

I think it will help tremendously to differentiate the two. Thank you.

[maggie]

Want 2B Better,

Thank you so much for your comments and yes, you do have 'wisdom' to share.

You seemed to understand immediately what I was asking. I now sort of understand the sickness and darkness of it all, and I believe it is an addiction from reading the struggles of the men on this site and the research about brain chemicals like dopamine, and its powerful affect on the addiction centers of the brain.

Yet, I'm not sure I can or want to forgive his anger toward me.

I wasn't doing anything wrong and was actually so worried about him that I called his doctor to ask about Early Alzheimers disease.

His brain fog, irritabillity, restlessness and loss of interest in all the things he use to enjoy; golf, the beach, and his great seats at the football stadium. He gave it all up for those 3 years.

When I read the stories of the PAs here, I feel so bad for them. I'm mad that a money grubbing industry that peddles immorality & abuse has taken choices and decision making away from all these strong men. I want to stop it. I respond to the PAs here and try to help.

But, then, I look at him and think about how he treated me for 3 years.
I was so confused.
He would glare at me if I even dared to step near his computer. When I asked him why he got so mad, he'd say that he was busy and I was interrupting him.

I was feeling pretty bad, but I had a good job, lots of friends and a pretty good life, so I let it go, hoping that his bad attitude was just a phase.

So, as you can see I waiver back & forth from feeling pity for him, realizing that it is an all consuming addiction and changes good men in a bad way, to then feeling anger and resentment that he treated me so badly.

Thanks for your wisdom

[maggie]

Hopeful,

It's so strange how my words and experiences could be your word and experiences too.

I've written that to Wife of a NewLife Man, many times. The very thoughts and words she has used to describe this are identicle to my thoughts and words. SCARY...

Also, my H will say things like, " I am not addicted " " I'm not as sick as those guys are " or " I never thought I was hurting you " or " Hey, it was a sick thing, sorry "
" Can't we just forget about it and move on "

Then, I'll read other SOs posting here whose partners say the exact words.

You are right, I should be remember all of our good times & laughter and not remembering his nastiness and coldness while he was involved in it. I'm trying...

Thanks Hopeful....... where else could we ever write these things about people that we care about, but have done wrong.

[everlight]

Maggie,

It is interesting to see how P transforms the PA. Brutal P has become very popular now. I think it rubs off on people in subtle ways.

When your H is angry at you for "intruding" on his P time it is a defense mechanism. I think deep down he knows he is hurting you and that much of it comes from shame. In addition, anything that breaks the powerful stimulation that P gives to the PA can be seen as threatening, even an SO in this case. It's a good thing he has a therapist. Are you talking about it with anyone? He might be holding things back. Most of us PAs are embarassed to talk about the worst of what we've looked at. You are right to be angry. I wish you hope.

[JenMac]

Hi Maggie!
Thank you for this post! I can understand your feelings in relation to the anger. Such a hard thing for you to deal with! I am so sorry for your pain from this!
It is encouraging in the steps your H is taking. It is a long and slow process for each of us on our road to recovery! I am wishing you all the best in whatever direction you choose to go. The decision is yours to make in how you can heal from this upheaval in your life! Whether you decide the marriage is worth fighting for or not, you need to heal from the effects of this, Maggie.
You, my friend, gave me the best advice when I came here...you said...."don't get stuck in the bitterness and anger as I have". I am now wishing the same for you Maggie!
You deserve so much better!
Jenn

[maggie]

Thank you Daniel,

It's amazing how you take the time to check in on all of us, and always give some spark of incite to help us through.

I'm beginning to see myself as one of the needier people posting here.

Oh, I have fleeting moments of helping and encouraging others, both PAs and SOs, and then I as I circle above, viewing all the remnants from the detonation of p in our marriage, I crash. I can't help myself, or anyone else at that point. But....

That's one of the most valuable and enduring factors of this site.

Even in the midst of all the darkness, I keep reading the journals and postings, and someone will say something so profound or moving, that I get up and start moving forward, once again.

Thank you Daniel for being one of those people.