My Daughter is a Porn Star

[FoolishMind]

I came across a post in another forum site today for a professional community, and this was posted in a a sort of Off topic section from a user called SingleDad.

I found it so upsetting to read hearing a desperate father asking for advice, but i thought it would be good to share this even as a shock. As a PA, you cant help but feel awful.

(I have omitted certain sentences and words out)

Sorry about the blunt title, but I don't know how else to say it.

A few days ago I received an anonymous email telling me that my 20 year old daughter is a "porn star", along with a link to her pay adult website. I was shocked and devastated to say the least, as she has always been an exemplary child raised on Christian values.

Her mother died when she was 7, and I raised her and her little brother all by myself. I never even remarried, just so I could make sure that I was devoting all my time, energy, and resources to her and her brother. It was very difficult, but we made it through alright. Or so I thought.

She was a straight A student all through grade school, and even though her grades slipped a little bit in high school, she made it to college and has done very well for two years with a 3.5 GPA.

I couldn't be prouder of her, but now this. A very well designed adult website with thousands of pictures of my daughter in various stages of undressing,***OMITTED***

She seems to be very popular in the "teen girls" genre of pornography, with many sites having pictures and links to her own website. A Google search with her stage name (which unfortunately is very similar to her real name) brings up 472,000 results. Some of the pictures I saw were stamped "Copyright 2005", which means she has been doing this for at least two years, since she turned 18 (and hopefully not before then).

I got this email on June 28, the day after she left on a 3-week trip to Europe with some of her college friends. I know she's indeed in Europe, because she's been emailing me pictures almost every day, but I just don't know how I'm going to react when she comes home.

She has always been the best daughter a father could ask for, and we have an amazing father-daughter relationship, but my heart is completely broken and I feel betrayed -- although for $29.95 a month she seems to be making a lot of dirty old men very happy.

The only "warning signs" have been financial. Since she started college, instead of asking for money like I always figured she would, she hasn't asked for anything. If I try to give her money she tells me to spend it on myself. She told me her scholarships were covering books and tuition, and that her part-time job in school was paying her very well, but I never imagined this is what she was doing.

She drives a brand new BMW valued at over $40,000...just about what I made last year. She told me her friend's father owns a BMW dealership in California and because of overstock she got a great long-term financing deal. And I actually believed her.

Anyway, besides her secret life, she has also lied to me about where she's getting her money, which is greatly contributing to my pain.

I am also worried about what else she could be doing (drugs, VDs, etc.) In my eyes she was still a virgin, and although I did not see her with any men in those pictures, she did have a lot of pictures with other girls, so I guess I can safely assume that she is no longer a virgin, and that she's probably also a lesbian.

I would like to ask for advice on how to handle this situation. I am very upset still, but I can't deny that I love her to death -- and I will completely forgive any mistakes she might have made in the past or might still be making -- but I want her to be safe and to become a productive member of society.

I don't know where else to turn about this. I can't tell my family because they might turn against her. And I can't tell my friends because they will immediately go sign up for her website. So I'm coming here with my dilema.

PA's a question to ask ourselves:-

• Are we the dirty old men, looking at someone elses daughter, and breaking their family's hearts?

Questions to all:-

• What advice would you give?

FM

[Daniel]

Holy Smokes that is a tough situation.

A lot of things come to mind on the "advice" side of things:

• start off the discussion she will never forget with an affirmation of how much she is loved and cared for; how important she is as a person and within the family
• be blunt about the discovery
• do not condemn
• educate on the negative impact P has on society (lives ruined, marriages broken, families threatened, various addictions, ruinous disease, etc., etc.); perhaps see some of the P stars who have left the business and now crusade for others to do the same
• plea to stop the "work" and offers of help to taper her off of the lifestyle she has built up on the back of this sideline business

I recently heard a story where a man, an exterior "good guy", watching P vids and a long-term PA, recognized his son in one of the videos. He reportedly bought a plane ticket and flew halfway around the world to break the news to the son and begin the rebuilding process. Very very tough.

As former consumers it really hits home, the human cost.

Daniel

[jrock123]

whoaaaa!! I think step one needs to be even simpler that what Daniel suggests. she's already been into this for 2 years. right now, before the father loses his daughter permanently, he needs to be the stronger, bigger person and engage in a way that is loving and forgiving. I think F2F, you tell her you love her, tell her you know about the porn, tell her that you are there for her and, tough as this sounds, leave it at that and give her a warm and very loving hug. you cannot take any risk of losing her for good. you can worry about heart to heart conversations later. not sure if the person is religious, but think about Jesus and Mary Magdalene. If Jesus would have ripped into her, cast her off, kept lecturing her about prostitution, that she would be the inspirational Christian as we know her today? Lead with love and forgiveness and think long term!!!!!

jrock

[OpenEyes]

This hit home for me as well. I will not get into any of the details, but it really did hit home. The question "Are we the dirty old men?" was a stunner. I again feel like an idiot for having supported that industry. I am seeing the human side, the damage and the pain in new light.

I really think that reading this also renews my determination to never go back to P.

Thanks for the post, FM.

OpenEyes

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel

[Crisodian]

Wow FM. That's quite a post.

As an SO, and a mother, I often wonder how many parents know that their sons or daughters are filming P. Heartbreaking.

I think Daniel hit the nail on the head with his thoughts and advice. I am not sure there is much more that I could add to the list.

Peace,
~C~

[Daniel]

Related to this topic, Vorlan and I put some numbers and societal trends etc. regarding P in an earlier post, stickied in this Forum HERE, FYI

[Yechezkel]

I came across a post in another forum site today for a professional community, and this was posted in a a sort of Off topic section from a user called SingleDad.

I found it so upsetting to read hearing a desperate father asking for advice, but i thought it would be good to share this even as a shock. As a PA, you cant help but feel awful.

(I have omitted certain sentences and words out)

Sorry about the blunt title, but I don't know how else to say it.

A few days ago I received an anonymous email telling me that my 20 year old daughter is a "porn star", along with a link to her pay adult website. I was shocked and devastated to say the least, as she has always been an exemplary child raised on Christian values.

Her mother died when she was 7, and I raised her and her little brother all by myself. I never even remarried, just so I could make sure that I was devoting all my time, energy, and resources to her and her brother. It was very difficult, but we made it through alright. Or so I thought.

She was a straight A student all through grade school, and even though her grades slipped a little bit in high school, she made it to college and has done very well for two years with a 3.5 GPA.

I couldn't be prouder of her, but now this. A very well designed adult website with thousands of pictures of my daughter in various stages of undressing,***OMITTED***

She seems to be very popular in the "teen girls" genre of pornography, with many sites having pictures and links to her own website. A Google search with her stage name (which unfortunately is very similar to her real name) brings up 472,000 results. Some of the pictures I saw were stamped "Copyright 2005", which means she has been doing this for at least two years, since she turned 18 (and hopefully not before then).

I got this email on June 28, the day after she left on a 3-week trip to Europe with some of her college friends. I know she's indeed in Europe, because she's been emailing me pictures almost every day, but I just don't know how I'm going to react when she comes home.

She has always been the best daughter a father could ask for, and we have an amazing father-daughter relationship, but my heart is completely broken and I feel betrayed -- although for $29.95 a month she seems to be making a lot of dirty old men very happy.

The only "warning signs" have been financial. Since she started college, instead of asking for money like I always figured she would, she hasn't asked for anything. If I try to give her money she tells me to spend it on myself. She told me her scholarships were covering books and tuition, and that her part-time job in school was paying her very well, but I never imagined this is what she was doing.

She drives a brand new BMW valued at over $40,000...just about what I made last year. She told me her friend's father owns a BMW dealership in California and because of overstock she got a great long-term financing deal. And I actually believed her.

Anyway, besides her secret life, she has also lied to me about where she's getting her money, which is greatly contributing to my pain.

I am also worried about what else she could be doing (drugs, VDs, etc.) In my eyes she was still a virgin, and although I did not see her with any men in those pictures, she did have a lot of pictures with other girls, so I guess I can safely assume that she is no longer a virgin, and that she's probably also a lesbian.

I would like to ask for advice on how to handle this situation. I am very upset still, but I can't deny that I love her to death -- and I will completely forgive any mistakes she might have made in the past or might still be making -- but I want her to be safe and to become a productive member of society.

I don't know where else to turn about this. I can't tell my family because they might turn against her. And I can't tell my friends because they will immediately go sign up for her website. So I'm coming here with my dilema.

PA's a question to ask ourselves:-

• Are we the dirty old men, looking at someone elses daughter, and breaking their family's hearts?

Questions to all:-

• What advice would you give?

FM

Ouch. I dont know what to say, this pains me.

I'm so sorry for this persons pain, makes me feel ashamed of the P I have looked at in my life.

[BeingThere]

A hard situation for any parent.

I learned awhile back to drop labels. They don't help and for the most part they just do more damage.

Dirty old men? Or just men that are caught in an addiction and either haven't seen it yet or are trying to get out?

Porn star? Or a girl that has, for whatever reason, fallen into an industry with the promise of easy money, lots of attention, and a feeling of independence that hasn't realized it's not necessary?

I like what jrock said. There is only one reaction a loving father can have and that is ... love. I have a daughter that was raised with very similar values that has fallen into all sorts of destructive things. I know most of what she is dealing with isn't by choice but by ignorance. What can you expect from someone that really hasn't been "around the block" yet? You want then to hold tight to certain values, but at some point, they do become adults and responsible for their own outcomes. For it to be otherwise would be a horrible state of affairs and would render our lives useless.

Many times during the porn addiction I thought about those women being someone else's daughter. Eventually, that thought didn't really help other than to heap more shame on the already raging shame fire. One person stopping a pornography addiction isn't going to make the porn industry go away. We stop for ourselves, not for the sake of someone else's daughter ... or even for an SO. Until we decide to do this for no one else other than ourselves, we aren't really empowering ourselves to do it. It will always be hinged on some external condition.

So tragic as this story is, it simply is. What matters is what we do with our situation. This story is repeated hundreds of thousands of times every year. If this story is motivational, great. If it simply brings more shame, I recommend thinking about it very differently. Continuing in labels and shame is not recovery.

-Mike

[Daniel]

BeingThere,

I see your point and am inclined to agree. The shock and awe by itself does nothing to root cause or other deeper issues.

It can serve as one of many reasons to want out - sort of "motivational tools", but THE Reason has to be for You.

Daniel

[Jon]

I feel so dreadful for this poor father. As the father of a teenage daughter myself, I can imagine all-too-well what feelings would be going round my head if I discovered that my daughter had been doing this.

The awful truth though is I myself have spent so much time looking at pictures of other men's daughters with not a thought about what they must think or feel.