hard to focus

[gonnamakeit]

this is so hard.
i have been clean for over 37 days. it has been a struggle but i hope to make it to 40 as a milestone that to me will mean that it can be done. i guess that once you reach a long term goalyour commitment is stronger, you are more confihat you can achieve something, you deserve a reward, you stick to a plan, you set a longer goal.
however, it is really hard to achieve. there are temptations. and unfortunately i have to spend the whole day at the office, the place i am the weakest. in order to stay away from p, my mind wanders, i get distracted, i can't focus on my job, i can't focus on reading something. and today is one of those weak days on which i have wasted a lot of time. For example, just looking for a computer cable that deep inside I know i lost a while ago. and it is to stay away from P but also becasue I can't focus on the job i have to do today. I've had better days on which i've been very productive with my job, but today it is as if i've wasted as much time trying to stay away from P as i would have wasted watching P.

feels terrible because it is as if an enemy lives within me and i have to fight really hard to defeat him.

i'm hanging in there. i just need to get this out of my semsystem. i'm sorry because I know I'm rambling and whinin and I hate both things, but I also hate P and want to stay away from it and need help.


thanks for reading

[seeker]

this is so hard.
i have been clean for over 37 days. it has been a struggle but i hope to make it to 40 as a milestone that to me will mean that it can be done. i guess that once you reach a long term goalyour commitment is stronger, you are more confihat you can achieve something, you deserve a reward, you stick to a plan, you set a longer goal.
however, it is really hard to achieve. there are temptations. and unfortunately i have to spend the whole day at the office, the place i am the weakest. in order to stay away from p, my mind wanders, i get distracted, i can't focus on my job, i can't focus on reading something. and today is one of those weak days on which i have wasted a lot of time. For example, just looking for a computer cable that deep inside I know i lost a while ago. and it is to stay away from P but also becasue I can't focus on the job i have to do today. I've had better days on which i've been very productive with my job, but today it is as if i've wasted as much time trying to stay away from P as i would have wasted watching P.

feels terrible because it is as if an enemy lives within me and i have to fight really hard to defeat him.

i'm hanging in there. i just need to get this out of my semsystem. i'm sorry because I know I'm rambling and whinin and I hate both things, but I also hate P and want to stay away from it and need help.


thanks for reading

just catching up on some old posts here. dude, you are being way too hard on yourself. you are doing great! Keep up the fight and love yourself more! You are a fantastic spirit!

[maggie]

Gonnamake it,

You fought off the temptation and distracted yourself, successfully, by searching for a cable.

That's a victory, not a loss.

I agree with Seeker, give yourself credit for winning that battle, you deserve it.

[fedupwithit]

You're fighting the good fight, as a newbie, I look forward to my day 37. Congratulations, stay strong.