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Thread: Porn or MB Not the Only Addiction?

  1. #1
    artguy34
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    Default Porn or MB Not the Only Addiction?

    I have read a lot of posts from SO's and PA's and I have found valuable information from all of the members personal dealings. However I have not come across anyone who has delt with cybersex/chat as an addiction or another avenue of MB or Porn?

    As hard as this is to admit...

    Part of my addiction was also engaging in cybersex chats with others I met online. I enjoy writing fiction stories and although I am no Steven King, Anne Rice or James Patterson, I have written some decent stuff. But my problems stemmed from creating a false persona online. Then after meeting others and "pretending" I was someone fictional. Cybersex was not long to follow.

    Just like Porn and MB, I made the excuse of cybersex as being "Fantasy not Reality" but when my wife confronted me about it, I didnt see it at first as anything that bad. Why? Cause I had convinced myself It was all pretend, like writing a story. However this fact of my deception really hurt her deeply and when you add that on top of the Porn and MB, it was very damaging to her.

    Ever since I came clean about my addictions and joined this website and began reading books on these issues have I realized how bad I had taken things. Cybersex was just another way of "getting my kicks" and for anyone else reading this, if you have the same issues, Id like for you to feel free to share them.

    For any SO's who read this, please note that your posts have helped make me realize the scope of the damage I did to my wife and has helped me make a real effort in repairing that damage. But since I have not really addressed the issue of cybersex/chats here, I feel I am leaving something out. Hopefully this can be another avenue for PA's to post their thoughts on this issue.

    Is Cybersex/chats a side of Porn?
    Or is it purely for the MB aspect?
    Or is this another Monster all in itself?

    Please, feel free to post your thoughts?

  2. #2
    Deacon Pepper
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    Lightbulb What Is Christian Sexual Addiction, My Thoughts

    I guess for me it would not just be a thing of quitting looking at porn and masturbating. I always felt that was just the tip of the ice berg for sexual addiction.

    I know people who can look at porn but not masturbate and even people who say they don't think of anything while they are masturbating.

    When somebody does tell me that when they masturbate they don't think a lustful though, all I can say to that is that your a better man than me. ^:)^

    But regardless it is pretty obvious that there are a lot of things that are a gateway or doorway into sexual addiction.

    I think those goes into a personal thing, but take my life for example. I'm a full time college student and work 2 part time jobs. I did spend some time in the military before I started going to college. Anyways I can literally count how many times each hour I'm tempted to look at a girl with clothes that may be a little too tight.

    The problem comes in when I give into those temptation, not that I can't ask God for forgiveness and he forgives me, but well I just opened the door for looking and checking out girls. And, like pretty much what takes over is something that is closer to sexual addiction and not merely enjoying the scenery. I'm not saying everybody is like like, just speaking about myself.

    Well after I have opened the door to start looking, then looking isn't enough and I want something more. This might take a while a week a month or more, but eventually looking isn't enough. Then when I do get tempted to looking up porn on the internet, it is very very very hard to resist.

    In the end though all I had to do what not look in the first place. Kind of like Job did where he said he made a covenant with his eyes not to look look at a young girl.

    I suppose it is like an alcoholic drinking a non alcoholic beer night after night and thinking he is cool.

    I guess in the end I want to not even have the thoughts that come to my mind of old girlfriends or old porn I have looked at.

    And if anybody can have cyber sex chats and not get turned on then they are a better man then me.

    I do pray for anybody who does want or need prayer.

    God Bless
    Deacon Pepper
    God Loves You And So Do I
    >:D<>:D<>:D<
    Last edited by Vorlan; 11-29-2009 at 05:41 PM. Reason: Removed link and buzzwords

  3. #3
    little_wife
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    Quote Originally Posted by artguy34 View Post
    For any SO's who read this, please note that your posts have helped make me realize the scope of the damage I did to my wife and has helped me make a real effort in repairing that damage. But since I have not really addressed the issue of cybersex/chats here, I feel I am leaving something out. Hopefully this can be another avenue for PA's to post their thoughts on this issue.

    Is Cybersex/chats a side of Porn?
    Or is it purely for the MB aspect?
    Or is this another Monster all in itself?

    Please, feel free to post your thoughts?
    Hi artguy!
    Very interesting question. My thoughts on the subject is that they are related, but can be a total other monster in themselves. This in fact became one of MY problems other then my husbands. Though I'm not all together sure he didn't poke around in this realm either. This is not something we have yet talked about. Or perhaps ever will. (?, I don't know) In our case, my husband slowed down his porn use in '95 when I left him. After that he tried to do it only with me, and more limited. But then the internet/computers became another source of it, and I basically gave up. Eventuallyl---towards the end of the 90's---found my way to romance chat, and became addicted myself. I used it to get back at my husband, to find titillation, and to restore a broken ego. At first it was fun, and it seemed only fair since I'd lost out to his PA anyhow. But it consumed my time, and even when i wasn't doing it, my head was in it, and I was less and less engaged when i was with my children & husband. In the long run, it made me depressed, and less involved in life. After about 2 years, I decided to take charge. For me, it wasn't so much about masterbating, as it was a vicarious way to be single, and to feel attractive. After I stopped, I've wondered how I could have devoted so much time to something that was so unimportant. Sadly, I only have the fuzziest of memories about what was going on with my children for about 2 years.

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  5. #4
    newstartforher
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    For me, it was a problem too. I've basically lumped it in with porn and not really thought about whether it's different. I guess I was doing it for the same reasons as little_wife.
    After some initial failure, I decided that my definition of porn for the sake of my defining what I'm giving up would be anything that USES people for sexual reasons. And chatting was at risk of becoming that for me. I can only thank God I wised up before that became another avenue to further risks and problems.

    Ben

  6. #5
    Crisodian
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    Quote Originally Posted by newstartforher View Post
    After some initial failure, I decided that my definition of porn for the sake of my defining what I'm giving up would be anything that USES people for sexual reasons.
    I like your definition Ben.

    To me, as an SO, I think cyber-fantasy is part of the whole problem in which PA and MB addiction are parts. Fantasy vs. reality. Any format which encourages the addict to live in a fantasy realm, (whether it's P or cyberS), avoid reality, and avoid real life intamacy, for the thrill of the "fantasy".


    ~C~

  7. #6
    freedomtoday
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    Yes. Chat, cybersex... all that. (is it considered 'porn addiction'? not sure) If it provides a 'high' along with uncontrollable behavior, damages us or others in some way (time spent online away from loved ones, loss of sleep, etc).. An addiction is something we KEEP DOING regardless of the consequences, it's become uncontrollable, and we are not able to stop on our own but need help. (I'm writing this for me)
    Might sound funny, but I could almost not give a cr#p about viewing porn now... What got me was the chatting. I had no fricking idea that it was really a 'high'.. and that the sexual aspect is only a small part of the lure (The way an alcoholic doesn't drink because she loves the taste of wine.) Of course. It's the whole experience. The anonymity, the quick hookup, the complete fantasy and safety of not being really intimate, the sense of acknowledgement and appreciation.. on and on... It had me in its power very quickly, and I've had moments reminiscent of my early days of alcoholic recovery since stopping chatting just 2 days ago. Intense craving and feeling of utter hell if I don't get to chat again.
    My story's probably a little different, as the addiction has been shortlived... Though I began viewing online porn maybe 10 years ago -- once in a great while, like maybe 2-3 times/year with a slow increase in frequency. Earlier this year I began to go unconscious, as I say, and I was very regularly viewing, like my bedtime habit -- see porn, brush my teeth... Thinking it was 'harmless'. Then I discovered chat rooms, and that was it. For me the harmful part is that I am practicing NON INTIMACY, and I'm NURTURING and feeding an anti social part of me, basically. And in my mind and experience, there is NO WAY I can grow as a person, or really have an intimate real-life relationship, if I am USING in this way.
    I'm not on a chat site tonite because I've blocked everything under the sun that's related to porn.. and just a couple hours after blocking last night, I had that intense sudden craving and tried 'unblocking'... with my computer skills it didn't work, and I was in tears like a baby, because I couldn't get on my chat site and get my fix. Tonite... have had a couple of those moments... and I'm glad my acct. got activated here finally -- I needed to write.
    And women get addicted, too. Don't know how many are on this site, but that's me. Extremely thrilling and seductive, that chatting. Never did I think I'd be there! I used to think any kind of chatroom activity -- sexual or otherwise -- was ridiculous. No one's immune. And thank God there's help!! #:-s

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  9. #7
    gnein
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    Quote Originally Posted by artguy34 View Post
    Is Cybersex/chats a side of Porn?
    Or is it purely for the MB aspect?
    Or is this another Monster all in itself?

    Please, feel free to post your thoughts?
    For me the addiction included P, MB, cyber Sx, sx stories, phone sx and visiting prostitutes, but it probably all started with P and grew from there. The P I was looking at got more extreme (i.e. it started as softcore pictures and progressed to hardcore movies to things that were borderline illegal). Then came the stories, the cyber sx, the fantasies and so on. The prostitutes came later, but the whole thing started with P.

    I think it's because, like any other drug, you become desensitised to it, and suddenly what used to satisfy your craving can no longer satisfy that craving. Like a cocaine user who needs a bigger hit to get high, a PA needs a bigger dose to get off, so it might mean sitting in front of the TV or computer screen for longer, or finding something more extreme. And when we can't find the extreme thing we're looking for, we try to create it ourselves by writing stories or seeking out cyber sx with people who share that fantasy, even if we have to pretend to be someone else to do it, or even if we have to pay them to do it.

    I was actually heartened at the beginning of my recovery to read that I wasn't the only one who went through this sort of thing. Others have dealt with it before, and there comes a time when beating it does get easier. We just have to stick at it until we reach that point.

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  11. #8
    artguy34
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    Quote Originally Posted by freedomtoday View Post
    And women get addicted, too. Don't know how many are on this site, but that's me. Extremely thrilling and seductive, that chatting. Never did I think I'd be there! I used to think any kind of chatroom activity -- sexual or otherwise -- was ridiculous. No one's immune. And thank God there's help!! #:-s
    Yes indeed, this is not just a male thing, however most males are the ones who become addicts. But this goes to show you just how much power the porn industry has over the lives of millions. Women included. Sex is almost in everything we see. Advertisement especially.

    Im glad more of you are responding to the issue of sexchats. Because really it is so quietly addictive when you begin, that you do not realize the potential downfall. You may seem to think that all is ok because it is false and pretend, but really we are replacing true intimacy with a fantasy which leaves us hollow and hurts the ones we love.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crisodian View Post
    To me, as an SO, I think cyber-fantasy is part of the whole problem in which PA and MB addiction are parts. Fantasy vs. reality. Any format which encourages the addict to live in a fantasy realm, (whether it's P or cyberS), avoid reality, and avoid real life intamacy, for the thrill of the "fantasy".
    That, speaking from my wife, is what I had done to her... when she was there, I was off in fantasy land. Now the thought of chats etc. seem more foolish than ever. But the damage was done. Now I work to undo the pain I have created in her. Everyday is a new opportunity to work on that. Thats one of the things that keeps me motivated!

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  13. #9
    little_wife
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    for me, one of the appeals of chat was that although it's mostly fantasy, it also was a way to be acknowledged as a sexual being by another person. Though it was never about the other person, simply about ME.

    When me & my husband first addressed the P issue almost 16 years ago, there wasn't that much information on it. I wanted to take some of the appeal of P away but not making it something he did only on his own, a reward for when I was away or didn't want sex, & his own sexual secret. So I basically joined him. Watched it with him, (and other progressive things--strip clubs swingers clubs). The differnce was the porn was mostly visual, while the chatting seemed to hit some other need in me. I don't really know how to explain it, but its somewhat less one diminsional, and in some ways every bit as threatening to a intimate bond as P.

  14. #10
    Athenon
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    Quote Originally Posted by artguy34 View Post
    Is Cybersex/chats a side of Porn?
    Or is it purely for the MB aspect?
    Or is this another Monster all in itself?
    I think all these are just subgroups of one big monster that is Sexual addiction.
    They’re all activities that serve the purpose of creating a chemical rush in the brain through sexual arousal (for the sexual addict).
    The whole cyber trap (porn, chat, cybersex, etc) is so dominant now because internet as brought total anonymity in the picture. With anonymity into play, people who would have been too shy or scared to fall in the sex addiction trap, had the opportunity to explore, danger free, the realm of sex as an experience of pleasure without the burden of reality. That experience can become addictive to the ones vulnerable to addictions and it’s the worst addiction.

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