After quitting, the images remain...

[terawave]

As a SO I need to ask this question since it has been bothering me for awhile...when being intimate and the images are in your mind are your eyes closed? Or do you close your eyes to indulge in those images?

[lightseeker]

Hi Terawave,

Sorry I still havent figured out what an SO is, is it something to do with being a partner of an addict?
I couldn't tell you from my past experience as i cannot remember that long ago, but i think when we close our eyes it is easier to recall memories. As far as fantasies go, a person will either be using his imagination or recalling memories of something that he looked at in the past, thats the way i see it anyway.

I wouldn't say just because someone closes their eyes during sex or intimacy that they are conjuring up fantasizes all the time i dont believe this to be true at all, closing the eyes is a way of expressing and a reaction to pleasure and concentrating on the senses especially touch, for me i think touch is more pleasurable with the eyes closed, take kissing for example, dont you think kissing someone while staring them in the eyes is strange? maybe its just me but i close my eyes when i kiss as this is what i prefer (and i thought most people kiss with their eyes closed), its not that i am thinking of a fantasy its just that i want to get the most pleasure from what i am doing and eyes shut means more concentration and more pleasure.
I dont know if this is what you mean, maybe i have gone onto a different mindset? Hope this helps in some way:)

[Athenon]

At first I wondered at how I'd stayed addicted when I'd often been for months or even years without any exposure to P. Then I realised I had been playing back scenes in my mind when MBing or just fantasising, and these had kept the addiction going. I started to become aware of what was triggering the images and learnt not to get dragged into them, not to wilfully go along with the chain of images. I disconnect from them by bringing my attention back to my body and my surroundings - here I am, what does my body feel like, what can I see around me, how do I feel emotionally. I found this incredibly effective.

Thank you Illumination for sharing this information. I find it very usefull and helpful.
I had hunches in that sense but your experience will serve me as a validation of that knowledge.

also thank FM for bumping up (I think I understand that bumping up mean bringing and old entry back in the recent posts).

4 days MB and P free.

[Jessupp]

I have had some problems with this... past experiences with girls being replayed in my mind tempting me back to P or MB. One thing I found very effective is meditation. I'll throw in a relaxation disc, or just sit quietly for 15 minutes or so, and then start dealing with those past experiences head on, non sexually. I will examine why I would not like that experience to happen in reality, one girl or experience at a time, and then at the end of this I imagine myself meeting that person one on one, alone, and not feeling any sexual urges toward her, just another person that I am acquainted with in a completely non-sexual way.

One issue involving images I am having though are dreams. I hate these. I will wake up in a panic because I will think that I have cheated on my girlfriend, and the images from those dreams usually stick with me throughout the day, tempting me towards P or MB.

[Mac]

I don't think I ever really struggled with images popping up when I was being intimate with my wife, but I do know when I was using porn I had all kinds of issues with staying aroused during love making. Frequent MB probably at least part of the problem.
Being P free the last few months these issues have disappeared.
and I find I put a lot more into our intimacy and the results are great. With trying to rebuild my relationship with my wife I feel my focus has been put in the right places and that is what keeps the P away.

Mac

[lonesome_soul]

This is definitely an issue for me. I have always had issues with sex because of this very reason. Most of my sexual energies for most of my adult life have been focused on fantasy and MB, so being "in the moment" as it were is quite difficult, and I often find my mind wandering towards old images and fantasies in an attempt to bring myself to climax. I try to be as attentive and loving as I can with my partner, making sure she is feeling good and enjoying herself. In fact, I would say that was my primary focus during sex for a long time, I didn't even worry about my own satisfaction. But of course, sex in a much more enjoyable experience if both people are deriving pleasure from it.

I think there have been some very good suggestions in this thread (and I know it's quite old, but I am glad it has been bumped a number of times, as it has been a while since I have visited this site.) I think that the poster who talked about replacing the P images with thoughts of him with his partner, as if to imagine what they looked like together had a good thought. Of course, I think this is why things like mirrors and of course the infamous "sex tape" are so popular with so many people, getting off on watching yourself - but of course, it is more natural and practical if you can internalize these images and conjur them up yourself without any such aids.

A couple of different people mentioned medetation, which I think is a great idea. I think I need to make myself try meditating more. Sounds like it could be a good way to help "clear the mind" in more ways than one. Maybe allow one to focus a little bit better - and be able to eventually really be in the "here and now" of it all.

[rosie]

Yes, FM I think you were right to bump this thread back up.

For me, this issue was the absolute key to quitting and staying quit for however many months it has been so far.

At first I wondered at how I'd stayed addicted when I'd often been for months or even years without any exposure to P. Then I realised I had been playing back scenes in my mind when MBing or just fantasising, and these had kept the addiction going. I started to become aware of what was triggering the images and learnt not to get dragged into them, not to wilfully go along with the chain of images. I disconnect from them by bringing my attention back to my body and my surroundings - here I am, what does my body feel like, what can I see around me, how do I feel emotionally. I found this incredibly effective.
.

This is very interesting. Throughout my therapy (with other issues, not PA) I have learnt from my counsellor the art of mindfulness. This is essentially exactly what it is. Any thought you think is a sign of disconnection from your body. From your emotions, from your centre. He also teaches that all addiction is associated with avoidance of feeling and connecting to your body. By reconnecting with your body, you become present in the moment. You are able to experience the full extent of the act when you are fully present, and your partner will also feel it.

I would not be surprised to learn that there is a strong link between "thinkers" and PA's. I know that my Husband is a very intellectual guy, likes to think rather than feel. Always analysing and existing in his mind, rather than his body.

[DesperateHousewife]

Hasn't been bumped in a long time. Thought I might.

[iwilldothis]

Something must be wrong with my brain. I have had virtually no image flash back since the day I quit this time around. For a time I actually forgot P even existed.