I don't usually find a problem with P images coming up in my mind. One of the habits I've managed to keep from my time without P (I managed to quit for about half a year then relapsed bigtime) is that I can usually control my thoughts quite well when I have no visual temptations. I can almost automatically flick the images away. It may be from practising meditation actually since clearing the mind is a key part of that. I guess I'm lucky in that respect.
Maybe simple meditation would help with this. To be honest I'd recomend meditation as a good way to help overcome PA anyway.
It's probably worth stressing that deliberately repressing or trying to block the thoughts from ever even crossing your mind doesn't work. Don't panic if an image does flash up, just don't give it any attention, don't panic, and let it drift away ignored, or like people have said, calmly point your attention to something else instead.
Bizarrely, trying deliberately to force out or permanently block a thought involves giving attention to it, and so ends up strengthening it. It's like an aggressive drunk in a bar. If you try to aggressively push him out, he'll get violent, try harder than ever to stay, and will cause trouble, and will probably keep coming back. If you indulge him and talk, he'll stay and cause trouble and will keep coming back. The trick is to ignore him completely and calmly without provoking him or even really reacting beyond looking away. There'll be a short moment of awkwardness, then he'll just wander off. He might come back, but each time he'll be less likely to than last time.
Let me start out by saying that I am not over the addiction, and I don't know if I will ever be, but I am doing quite well over the past 2-3 weeks which is a first.
I however was kind of different. I am a strong believer in the Christian faith and since I always felt it to be so wrong I didn't allow it to affect my actual thoughts of women as much as possible, which is why the images don't really resurface for me when I am around my girlfriend now. I don't even associate them with her therefore they shouldn't. Of course I am not going to be sexually active til marriage (Old school values), but still. My battle became merely an addiction and less of a sexual thing, which makes it harder to stop in my opinion but helps when you truly do.
Since I know how hard it is to stop, I thought I might suggest a book on here if anyone doesn't mind reading a Christian book. It's called "Sex God" by Rob Bell and it changed my thoughts a TON. The way I love people, treat people, and even understand myself. It really makes it clear that you have to put your energy into something else to fill up that void, probably not even sexual. I am putting that partially into my new girlfriend which is why it is going so well
I just felt I needed to pop in and give my two cents. Thanks for listening and GL stopping the images, I know it's not easy.
Location: Currently Utah, but I'm an East Coaster at heart.
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05-12-2008, 09:32 PM
The fact is that images will come. The frequency and nature of those thoughts are different for everyone, but when an addictive pattern leads someone to fill his or her mind with pornographic images, those images will come unbidden to the mind as we struggle to stop the addictive behavior--it is natural, inevitable, and very difficult to overcome.
There have, I think, been a lot of good ideas shared already as to how to deal with those images when they come. Along the same lines, I just wanted to note that it is impossible to just kick an image out without anything to replace the thought. The trick, for me at least, and I'm pretty sure this is generally true for most people, is to replace those thoughts with something else--something more wholesome and inherently different and totally non-cohesive with P or anything that associates with the addictive behavior. That's why physical activity is so effective--it tends to focus our thoughts on that activity and leaves less room for lingering images. Also, talking to other people focuses attention away from ourselves and closes the door on unwanted temptation.
It's all about redirection, and filling the gap with something good and pure--something that will uplift and edify us instead of drag us down and degrade us.
my husband says this doesn't happen for him. He does have a bad memory, but I've found it hard to believe when he tells me as such, but even when he was being honest he swears this doesn't happen.
Love is the rhythm of two hearts beating
Poundin' out a message steady and true
Talk to me baby tell me what you're feelin'
I know what love is
What's it to you
The fact is that images will come. The frequency and nature of those thoughts are different for everyone, but when an addictive pattern leads someone to fill his or her mind with pornographic images, those images will come unbidden to the mind as we struggle to stop the addictive behavior--it is natural, inevitable, and very difficult to overcome.
There have, I think, been a lot of good ideas shared already as to how to deal with those images when they come. Along the same lines, I just wanted to note that it is impossible to just kick an image out without anything to replace the thought. The trick, for me at least, and I'm pretty sure this is generally true for most people, is to replace those thoughts with something else--something more wholesome and inherently different and totally non-cohesive with P or anything that associates with the addictive behavior. That's why physical activity is so effective--it tends to focus our thoughts on that activity and leaves less room for lingering images. Also, talking to other people focuses attention away from ourselves and closes the door on unwanted temptation.
It's all about redirection, and filling the gap with something good and pure--something that will uplift and edify us instead of drag us down and degrade us.
AE
The part about filling it with something else is what I was getting at when I talked about focusing energy on something else, not necessarily sexual related. It works tremendously for me, but every person is different.
Yes, FM I think you were right to bump this thread back up.
For me, this issue was the absolute key to quitting and staying quit for however many months it has been so far.
At first I wondered at how I'd stayed addicted when I'd often been for months or even years without any exposure to P. Then I realised I had been playing back scenes in my mind when MBing or just fantasising, and these had kept the addiction going. I started to become aware of what was triggering the images and learnt not to get dragged into them, not to wilfully go along with the chain of images. I disconnect from them by bringing my attention back to my body and my surroundings - here I am, what does my body feel like, what can I see around me, how do I feel emotionally. I found this incredibly effective.
Almost anything could set it off. You can associate almost any word with sex if you are obsessed enough... I still find myself misreading words if I glance at a piece of writing... you can imagine. The crucial thing for me was to not make that conscious choice to go along with the habitual associations. It's that wilful wallowing in it that is really damaging to the will power. Images uprising from the subconscious is no problem. Allowing yourself to get drawn into them so that you start thinking 'I want P' or 'I want such-and-such sexual experience' is a big problem.
For me at least this is the total foundation of the addiction and the point of action to change the habits. No doubt I have deeper pschological reasons for becoming addicted, but first things first. I would never have had the strength to look at my deeper issues if I had carried on using P.
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I think that if over time the images lessen, you shouldn't beat yourself up over sometimes having them. I think that is normal. I think that if we asked couples that don't have a PA or perhaps had never even seen porn if they have images pop up during sex, most would say yes. I know I do. I actually purposefully think of images. It's kind of like what NoDirectionHome wrote. It might sound silly, but I almost always close my eyes. I just think it is easier to concentrate on the sense of touch, when you remove the sense of sight. But I will imagine images, or scenes, to coincide with what we are doing at the moment. I will imagine what we look like from a certain view, like with what NoDirectionHime wrote, in the corner of the room. The images are not always of him or me, but sometimes just body parts, and are never of any particular person other than him, but just positions, or views. I really do think that is a normal thing to do.
Last edited by still_angry; 07-23-2008 at 03:29 PM.
05-08-2008, 08:24 PM
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