Stages of PA and Recovery

[Daniel]

This was originally posted in my journal...

Put here by request.

Thank you to TTF.

This will be my first crack at an outline of stages of PA recovery I've noticed in myself first and then recognized in the posts of nearly everyone.

It seems that the Journey to Clean-ness can be divided up into various stages with fuzzy boundaries.

By no means does this mean all experiences can be neatly categorized.

Far from it. For every individual impacted by PA there is a unique mix going into the personal motivation to recover and stay that way. If you want out of PA, like we all do, then you know the reasons.

I think it's fair to say we all can recognize these Stages if we stopped in our marathon and gave it some thought.

And this can be a collaboration, I certainly do not have a corner here. If you think of another stage just put it in the reply and we'll build it up and who knows, put it in a permanent place perhaps.

The main reason I want to get this out there is I see many of our people struggling through these areas and it would be a neat feeling to review the stages and say

"Oh. What I'm experiencing right now is normal for where I'm at... and here's some tips I may be able to use to stay clean as I go throught this stage..."

"pre-STAGE": Relapse

STAGE 1: REALIZATION

• P is a destroyer
• using P damages me personally in numerous ways
• using P can potentially ruin my personal relationships
• I want P out of my life and I want help and support

STAGE 2: EUPHORIA

• I CAN BE FREE, and it feels great
• I have gone ___ days clean and it's unbelievable
• I am getting my life back
• I can't ever imagine going back to P

STAGE 3: INDECISION

• The old urges are back and stronger than ever
• If I don't give in I will lose my mind
• If I give in the pressure will go away
• Maybe I was wrong to think of giving up P forever

STAGE 4: COMBAT

• I will identify my triggers and work hard to avoid them
• I will work hard to reprogram my thinking away from P and objectifying
• I will be accountable to a person or people who care about me and my freedom from P
• I will reduce my fight to a minute-by-minute battle for my mind if that is what is required to not fall

STAGE 5: MAINTENANCE

• The old urges and compulsions are reduced or gone
• The euphoria is gone but I notice I feel much better as a person
• I cannot let my guard down and need to have a hyper-sensitivity to ANYTHING that can make me fall
• My freedom from P is an integral part of my new life
• I have developed and continue in healthy life habits that reinforce my freedom and allow me to enjoy my new life more than I ever thought possible

That'll do for now.

I realize that these 5 stages are solely focused on the P addict.

The SO is not factored in but is an obvious beneficiary if the PA is in Stage 5.

MB is also left out. For some P & MB are tangled up and are treated as one issue. For others P & MB were separate or can be made separate and there is no moral conflict.

If at some point the PA has a relapse, I submit that the process starts over from "pre-Stage" but moves rapidly back to combat then maintenance, skipping the Euphoric Stage 2.

And the time length of any of the stages is highly variable.

For me Stage 1 and pre-Stage was roughly 18 years long. This was the sin-ask-forgiveness-repent-sin-ask-forgiveness-repent cycle ad nauseum ad infinitum.

My Stage 2 lasted about 3 months. It was glorious as I felt completely untouchable by P or any thought of it.

I am currently in a mixture of Stage 5 & 4, more of the former. Sometimes I'm in 4 more if I'm fighting thought-life or trigger issues. Once I have a plan or method, then back to Stage 5 to put it to work...

I really hope this helps. It helps me at a minimum.

Victory!,

Daniel

[dave]

re "pre-STAGE": Relapse

I've been thinking that there is quite a bit more here

For years I knew there would be a time to face up to my problem
I needed some issue to kick me into gear
There were stages or bursts of insight for me:
"this is the best I can do - P is not good but not as bad as other habits ..."
"I don't want to know ..." when I would see an Dr Phil type show about P

I recently read that trying to quit anything takes many tries until we finally make a breakthrough. One story in the Green SAA Book memtions that he began recovery years ago amid a years of slips. It struck me that even in slippery times we ARE ON the recovery road.

I am trying to find the words for one of my hunches - that we need to honour whole ourselves - even the self that lived in denial. In a sense I did the best I could while I was using - I really could not see another way - some of the blocks were deliberate denial, but mostly it was just a Dave trying to get on with life as I knew it. I was afraid to look into the rooms that help answers. Thankfully there was a great plan that I finally connected with ....

Just a few thoughts
Dave

[Rowlf]

One of the courses I've done recently was called "Self-denial, self-delusion & self-deceit". One of the very helpful models was a "plateau" model of self awareness;

                     4 --    ---        ---  --------
                      /  \  /   \      /   \/
     2      /\       /    \/     \ 5  /
     /\    /  \     /             \  /
1   /  \  /    \ 3 /               \/
----    --      ---
 

1. At first one is living at a level of unawareness of any problem. (I don't have a P problem)
2. There are occasional peaks of awareness that one has a problem, but it's possible to ignore these and go back to the level of (1) (P is not good, but I can handle it)
3. At some stage, something happens during one of the peaks of awareness (I can't handle this)
4. And we are now living at a different level of awareness (I am a PA and I need to live my life differently )
5. .. with occasional dips out of this awareness (relapse into P use and then get back on path)

I think Daniel's marvelous stages are the 3,4,5 stages of the DDD plateau model and how we move into permanent awareness and make real change.

comments?

[Daniel]

Rowlf -excellent parallelism and the ultimate blind test -no collaboration arriving at the same or very very similar answers. Thank you for sharing.

The graphic is great.

I would add that your "I can't handle this" stage 3 has a floor that is lower than the stage 1 "I don't have a problem". That was my experience on the wake-up call, that you feel very very low, that you cannot coexist with P anymore, status quo won't work...

Great Stuff!

Daniel

[Rowlf]

Hi Daniel

The Y scale is a scale of self awareness, rather than feeling. So, I would guess that stage of feeling is somewhere up the line between 3 & 4. Funny to think that feeling awful could be a good thing - a sign of increasing self awareness. :)

I think there are recognisable stages as you've outlined and there are different effective behaviours at each, which may not be the same. For example, this debate around celibacy contracts. They are a very effective tool at 1-4 (realisation-combat) but probably not very useful during maintenance which is a lifelong stage.

Also I think that relapse during maintenance is probably a 'normal' stage and the recovery after relapse (v. important) is not exactly the same as for the initial realisation of PA.

[Daniel]

Ah -awareness vs. feeling on the Y-axis. Yes. Thank you for the clarification.

And yes on the celibacy contract point. For me personally, "it is better to marry than to burn with passion" which was my predicament exactly, quoting Paul. Thus there needs to be a personalized moral solution long term.

[Athenon]

I am trying to find the words for one of my hunches - that we need to honour whole ourselves - even the self that lived in denial. In a sense I did the best I could while I was using - I really could not see another way - some of the blocks were deliberate denial, but mostly it was just a Dave trying to get on with life as I knew it.

I firmly believe what you said to be true.
Coming to this thinking has brought much peace in my soul.
It's something i need to keep in mind, to keep peace in my soul.

All the shame and wanting to be perfect out of guilt from the past is just making me more vulnerable to P.

Thank you Dave !

[dave]

I suppose that is why all the SAA literature has a logo and the phrase
"From Shame to Grace"

[dave42]

I was thinking I was in stage 4 or 5 of Daniel's stages, but then I realized that I'm really still at stage 3. Today, even the telephone (???) was somehow a trigger! The telephone? Looking at the telephone? Bizarre. I'm looking forward to being at stage 4 or 5.

Hey, Dave, how is your health?

[LPA]

STAGE 4: COMBAT

• I will identify my triggers and work hard to avoid them
• I will work hard to reprogram my thinking away from P and objectifying
• I will be accountable to a person or people who care about me and my freedom from P
• I will reduce my fight to a minute-by-minute battle for my mind if that is what is required to not fall

The combat stage is so vital!

• Identifying triggers seems so simply, but it really is mind boggling if one does not take things slowly. It is amazing how triggers can randomly appear, and easily be identified if one is quick enough
• Finding new ways of rewarding your mind is such an excellent feeling. Who knew that life has so many natural, quasi-healthy releases of joy
• Outside help: Going without it is like building a house without foundation. Enough said.
• We all are in it for the long run. It takes a long time for a mind to succumb to PA, and it takes a long time for a mind to overcome PA. Fellow TTFers, we are fighting a war. We all will be victorious.Some battles will be lost but many more will be won, in the end we all will prevail