Why do you relapse?

[FoolishMind]

I am writing this thread following Bolt's Thread "Dealing with relapse"
What struck a chord with me was the fact that this is reactive thinking. One should not really focus on how to pick oneself up following a relapse, but focus on not relapsing at all.

I fully appreciate it sounds so much easier than done, but I myself and many others have taken this journey on and been strict with our strategies which in turn make the journey that much easier.
YOU CAN BE P FREE, if you are PREPARED to DO and CHANGE what is necessary.

So Why do we relapse?

Definition of 'Relapse' :-

• To fall back again
• to recur
• to worsen

If you relapse, quite simply you haven't prepared well enough.

So how do you prepare effectively? To explain this, I will start of with an extreme, then break it down.

Task: Never see P again

Current ways to view P and provocative images/videos:

1. Internet
2. Magazines
3. TV
4. Access through friends
5. DVD shop

I have now identified all the ways I can view P. So now, All I need to do, is work out, how to prevent myself from accessing those points.

Actions to take to prevent viewing P

1. Disconnect Internet / broadband / Telephone line
2. Do not leave room / house
3. Sell TV
4. Do not meet friends
5. Do not leave room / house

As stated earlier, this is extreme, however, I have countered points 1 to 5.

Now, what were not addressing here, is all those temptations, all those thoughts. This is the real test of will power.

If you were in Ethiopia or Rwanda now, where your primary concern is to survive, It is highly unlikely your sxual urges, temptations will come to surface.

So the next part of you planning, should be to address these temptations and triggers.

example 1: If you are usually start to think about P, when you visit a store and see loads of magazines on the rack with scantily clad women. You can prepare in a number of ways. 1) Dont go to the store again, Acknowledge the location of the untoward magazines and when entering store physically look in the opposite direction.

example 2: If you usually think about P, when you at home or in your room all alone for hours, again you can prepare in a number of ways. 1) you know when you will be alone, why not plan a meeting with friends at that time, why not do some chores at that time 2) Have an internet filter, managed by someone else 3) Dont stay at home, go out untill someone else is home.

Will power is usually the biggest issue, but what were trying to do, is give you the best chance, by reducing the amount of will power needed. To do this, I beleive there are number of factors that you need to be clear about:

1) Know why you want to be P free
If you are doing this for anyone else but yourself, you will fail.
If you dont know why you want to be P free, you will fail.

2) Be honest with yourself
We have lied to everyone, You will be shocked at how many times you can lie to yourself to convince yourself its not that bad.
Be honest, in your planning, be honest in identifying your weaknesses. If you lie to yourself, you will fail.

3) Preparation is Key
If you dont prepare, you dont really care.
Do not react to situations, Try and proactively run through scenarios before they happen, so you can adjust. This requires total honesty with yourself. If you dive in to this journey without some form of preparation, you will fail.

4) Knowledge is power
Know thy enemy. Learn about how one has hurt others through this addiction. Learn how it affects our characters, and actions. By gaining this knowledge, daily, weekly, monthly, you make yourself stronger, better prepared, more honest, and ultimatley stregnthen your reasoning to why you want to be P free.

If through all this, you still slip up, thats fine, because we are human and we make mistakes, but with all the points, you should have the sense and knowledge to work out what went wrong in your strategy, then ammend your plan to that it cant happen again. If it keeps happening again, ultimatley you are lying to yourself, or you are unclear in why you want to be P free.

In January 2008 I could have not written this with such clarity or confidence. But through daily reading, and gaining knowledge, I know anyone can do this, if they REALLY WANT TOO.

Best of strength to all.

Make a fresh start: More about ThroughTheFlame.org

FM

[Abbie]

Well said FM. I particularly like the 'if you don't prepare, you don't care' bit. This looks like a great no-nonsense strategy.

[Daniel]

EXCELLENT SELF-EVALUATION/PLAN FM!

All newcomers should be somehow directed to this post.

It would put a spotlight on the oft-asked question "What Do I Need To Do To Be Free?"

Daniel

[bodget1974]

great post FM, clear, prisice, very well writen i aplaued you.

=D>

i agree with Daniel, all newcomers, even vetrans could do to read this advice, i'll be reading it again

^:)^

B

[dave42]

Hi, Foolish Mind:

This was especially helpful, "This requires total honesty with yourself. If you dive in to this journey without some form of preparation, you will fail." Total honesty with myself seems to be at the root of sustainable solutions to this addiction, you seem to be saying, and it really seems true.

The concrete example about the magazines in the store and your advice wer also very helpful -- look the other way!

I have had 3 tiny slip ups in my 6 months of being clean, and all three involved not looking the other way. Once, in a regular (not adult) bookstore, I saw an art book of nudes. I should have looked the other way, but I didn't. I looked at the book, but luckily after 30 seconds or so I caught myself and quickly moved away. Now, in that same book store, I don't even go NEAR that part of the store.

Thanks, Foolish Mind!

[hangingin]

I agree, this is a great post!

Excellent work FM!

[Little lock]

Enough said:D

[text]

Yup ... u gotta do it full blow ... no point in trivial efforts and condoning urself later of atleast doing an effort

[Scooter]

The biggest problem for me is losing track of the reason why I want to give it up. It may be a bit of self talk - convincing myself that 'its not that bad'. But I get to stages where I am now with little motivation and I start to ask "Why did I want to quit anyway?".

Even right now I could do with a reminder as to why that was...

[text]

Very real trouble scooter,always pep talk pep talk pep talk, it might looks silly but it works wonders(atleast in my case).

Awareness at all times is the key.

Remember its a hard hard thing to beat,had it not been so you wouldnt be seeing so many folks around here,so you have to be alert,aware and motivated .. even at times when it looks redundant or outrightly purposeless to just keep on reminding yourself or punishing yourself.

If you still would seek a reminder periodically,i would advice you to do you effort mechanically without thinking,something you gotta do.Period.

See you are here and have made 170 posts and devoted time and effort because
YOU WANT TO QUIT.In other words ...Given a clear head ,and time to think and reason your response to "do i want to quit" will be " Y E S "

But we dont think the same way under all circumstances at all times,we contradict ourselves because we are not a program to give a deterministic output with a specified input,sorry for weird example ,occupational hazard :).

Just internalize this and stay on course even if at times it may seem meaningless,harmless,irrational or watever.