Dealing with relapse

[Bolt VanDerHuge]

I recently relapsed and found myself to be worse off than before I had even tried to regulate myself. At first it was because I had been drinking but then after that I figured I had already broken the rules so it didn't matter. It's like i'm another person or something when I want to look at P, it's terrible. I'll use every excuse in the book to trick myself into lowering my defenses. I don't really know what to do. I feel awful.

You would think the shame and guilt I feel would be enough to make me quit, it's certainly enough to make me want to post here. What's done is done I guess, but it's difficult to say i'm a different person than I was but a few moments ago, even though i feel that way.

So here's what i'm gonna do. I'm not gonna have a computer in my room anymore. I obviously can't handle that responsibility. I'm clearing the calendar, starting over. Wish me luck! and any advice or tips would be appreciated. thanks for caring.

[Glass_of_water]

It is a great step in seeing what you can handle and what is making it easier to relapse.

Good luck Bolt.

[Daniel]

Bolt,

I'm with you -get it out of your room if that's what it takes. If it was me, I could not have a PC in my room with just me, night after night. The pressure to use would be too great.

You say you feel low and I can relate believe me.

BUT REALIZE THIS, you are fighting back, you are here, you are talking victory and getting the battle started. I say that is something you can feel good about. You are not sitting idly by while P rips your life apart. Keep in the fight. One thing at a time, one minute at a time.. You'll do it..

Daniel

[Bolt VanDerHuge]

Thanks for your support. This has actually been working really well for me. I feel pretty good for the first time in a while.

[glovert]

I'm knida in the same boat and i'm trying to do everything possible to stop my addiction. I guess you have to cut off whatever triggers the addiction

[dave]

Good to see the new determination. Sorry it got hold of you.
For me succses has meant I go to SAA, see a couselor and confide in one trusted friend. Mostly it has been finding my way back to God. I AM NOT a conservative christian but the spirit continues to show up in some very helpful ways.

I have realized that taking stupid risks (like surfing dangerous stuff) is part of the insanity that is reflected in the statement "I am powerless over P and M, my life is unmanageable".

It is not so much using the P but returning close to it when I know it is dangerous. My support team has helped me realize that 'quitting' is not as useful word as recovery. I was very sick and am getting better. While 'using' I was in a crazy way of living and returning to sanity will take awhile. I need to be graceful with myself - I will have challenges and perhaps slips but they will all help me find my pathway back to sanity - to serenity.

I hope this is not too harsh but helpful. We each have to find our own way on this journey.

[FoolishMind]

Great thread, and Great responses, Reading through this site, it has been drilled into everyone how important it is to prepare and pro actively understand what temptation may make you relapse. Once one has educated themselves about how strong this addiction is, you will realise sometimes, in order to make a significant change in ones life, one will need to make some significant changes in your lifestyle.

Nothing will change, unless your prepared to make the changes.

Well Done Bolt

FM

[Bolt VanDerHuge]

Well it's been a while and my behavior has forced me to to come back yet again. I thought my problem was not with P itself but the content in particular. Like any addiction it feeds itself on increasing amounts and intensity. I just logged in and came to post here because I feel like my situation is again getting out of hand. Even getting laid doesn't seem to help my situation any. I'd give up P completely if I thought I could possibly pull that off.

I thought maybe if I just stopped using the internet, and stuck to regular media (dvds, magazines) it would accomplish two goals-
1. I wouldn't be able to 'upgrade' to anything that was too bad or would make me feel bad
2. I'd have to spend money on it which would be a deterrant

It worked pretty well for a while but I quickly got bored of it and, as always happens with P, my willpower began to crumble. I am at a loss right now, I really don't know what to do. Although I don't feel like I deserve it, I could certainly use some encouraging words and advice. Thanks for being so understanding and supportive everyone.

[Daniel]

Bolt,

We've been here before but do not despair.

The best part of your situation is you WANT TO CHANGE and REALIZE P IS A PROBLEM.

Stop and take a deep breath, understand that heavy P users do not want to stop, do not want to be free, to be clean, to have the life they are supposed to have.

But you do want these things, from what I can gather in your posts.

In that regard, summon your motivations again, generate a plan to steer clear of triggers and situations that could make you fall, recommit yourself to the journey, and get going.

I will reiterate that in my personal opinion, take-it-or-leave-it completely up to you etc., that P will not tolerate a secondary status in your life.

P will want you, all of you, all the time.

There really isn't a practice-able way to "adjust it down" or "go on a P diet" or "just a little bit" etc. Somewhere along the way P comes out of its box and slams you.

Therefore, no P ever. That's my approach.

And just to make things sure, nothing is viewed that is remotely related to P, "sexy", "racy", most of television, most movies, most magazines -GONE. They are simply off limits for me. Why? Because I may begin to lean then fall if I indulge in these things...

Be encouraged Bolt. You can do this!

Daniel

[Rowlf]

It worked pretty well for a while but I quickly got bored of it....

I think this is the heart of any attempt to 'just' modifying P usage - it very quickly gets stale and boring and the system yearns towards that next hit of the drug of choice - the rush of external stimulation.

I don't think this is in any way manageable for an addict. It's got to be cold turkey from P and a re-training of the habit of finding satisfaction from inside not outside.

Having spent so long (many years) training ones system to get that quick hit it's now an ingrained pattern. Starting (by viewing anything) will almost always lead to where it always has done i.e. into hours / days of mindlessness - searching for that 'perfect' image / thing that satisfies for no more that scant seconds. But now there is an added degree of knowledge that this is unhealthy that kicks in after the mindless surfing is finished that takes any pleasure away from it. Once one has admitted PA, that admission has changed the system and 'the only way out is through'.

my 2p-worth....