For the SO's - to tell or not to tell?

EmergingAngel · **For the SO's - to tell or not to tell? -** 08-17-2008, 10:19 AM

Hey all =0) This is a question primarily for SOs, but PAs who may have input - you're welcome to post as well. I'm new to the site, and have just cleared my first week P and MB free (yay!). Some of you know me and have been reading/replying to my post and journal, but for those who don't or haven't, I'll give you a quick run-down.

28 year old male, moderate PA (I think), and I've been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for a little over 2 months. I feel that P started to affect our relationship, so I found you guys to get some help. She doesn't KNOW that I have had a problem with P, I've never told her, but in all honesty - she IS a woman, and I think she has suspected it before.

As I embark on this journey, this change, to become a better man and emerge victorious over this problem I have, I am going to need support. There will be days I will want to give up, and there will be days I won't be the greatest or nicest guy. Anyway - my question is - should I talk to her about this and tell her what is going on?

I worry because she was rejected for P by a previous boyfriend, and has felt the nasty bite before. I'm not sure if this is something I should tell her about, and risk hurting her further, or if I should just continue this course without her knowledge. I don't really know... I just don't want to hurt her. While I know she has the capacity to understand a probably would... I don't want to give her a reason to worry and feel insecure on account of my problem and actions.

Any thoughts? I'm curious about how you felt when you found out on your own or through someone else, or if you feel i would have been beneficial to your relationship to know your partner was going through it...

Glass_of_water · 08-17-2008, 11:56 AM

That is a really hard question. As an SO the truth is important but there are times I wish I never knew that this problem existed.

If my Husband had told me earlier in the relationship I might have left him, but I might not have because he cared enough about me to change (not changing after being caught). So you need to consider that she might leave, but she might also give you the strength and support to overcome this.

If I were to decide which option I would prefer, I would go with the truth.

Good luck, and congratulations for working on this, for yourself and for your relationship.

Jacinda24 · 08-17-2008, 07:12 PM

I agree with glassofwater on this one. It is a REALLY HARD question. Two months is a really early & impressionable part of a relationship. While I agree the right thing to do is be honest, I think being in her situation ( and knowing she's been bit by porn before ) I would probably leave. That's only my opinion though.
However, the difference here is that you are aware of your P addiction & you are Faithfully working on it. And that's Wonderful! I believe Truth to be right.
In your case the relationship is so new & you like her so much. And put together with the positive fact that your a week P free, there's always the option of waiting a little longer, say see how a month goes with the P and if your able to continue your positive path toward recovery & you've had a little more time for your relationship to grow-then tell her. Either way you should be honest with her-I believe you have to just make sure that it is the right time to be honest about it. Let us know what you think! Thanks : )

EmergingAngel · 08-17-2008, 07:26 PM

The waiting a little longer does make quite a bit of sense. It really is a fairly new relationship, and that way she can also see that I'm serious about beating it and not just blowing steam. Thanks for your input GOW and Jac

brulant · 08-17-2008, 08:47 PM

Hi EmergingAngel

I don't know. I know that for me I truly value honesty and openness as and in a partner. I have learned that this is even more invaluable after having that horrible ex. I have a partner right now who's *not* the one who made me become open and aware of all of this side of human nature, but how he treats me and this issue is far too telling about the future.

I haven't read everything that you've posted, but the things that I've read of yours have impressed me. Granted I'm not her, but WOW if my current partner had done an iota of what you've done instead of blaming me and demonstrating that he isn't who he claims he is.... I think your getting the picture. My problem with him is that he's not being honest with me. ; ) I've already been through all of this, granted in much more extreme ways, but I really need honesty, openness and willingness in my case.... instead I've been given blame, shame, responsibility and a lot of deception. We were finally able to talk through some of this stuff, but he's appearing more and more in my thinking as a stbx (soon to be ex).

I kind of think that an approach with honesty, compassion and bringing her to this thread for starters and then sharing with her some of the rest of the site might actually help her far more in the long run.

Telling her that she might feel some triggers as I have, but let her know that she can talk to you.... or us if she choses.

It does wonders when you give the power back to someone, especially after they've had it stolen from them.

Share with her that you're aware that this is a difficult topic and it might bring up some emotionally charged issues.

The longer a secret exists the more it extracts.

Whatever you decide I send you strength and good thoughts!!!
brulant

brulant · 08-18-2008, 12:02 AM

I read your journal entries and I'm guessing that there would be a lot of things in there which are going to trigger a bunch of things for her. There are some really wonderful responses that you've posted on TFF in other places that would be good for her to hear at the same time.

When and if you do tell her giving her a place like this or another healing for partners site would definitely be a good step and very helpful for her.

Disclosures are always difficult. Often they are done with a mediator or some kind according to all the research I had to do on them a number of years ago. Since you're already steps ahead in some ways with knowing, accepting, admitting, etc. that will definitely make things much easier.

From this SO and from others on here we would have wanted to know much, much sooner. PAs usually know this and that's why they lie outright or by omission. They are afraid of the consequences which potentially even mean being left. The fact that we partners are never given the choice is often what makes us even angrier and more betrayed in the long run.

Sometimes, as I see it, the truth sooner prevents massive amounts of drama later.

I have heard, though, that some partners don't want to know, but I'm not sure how long they actually feel that way. We're the same people who will try to appease our partners by compromising ourselves by doing or becoming p for and with ya'! ; ) This is usually short lived, but during this faze we claim to be wanting to do it for ourselves and we think we like it because, well, its exciting and we need to to keep you or whatever the rational is for each individual.... but we quickly just feel dirty, ashamed and realize that we're still not p.

I'm guessing that your situation will develop and things will happen as you both need so no pressure and I definitely don't have any answers for you. still. just some random brain farts and thoughts.

be well!
brulant

FairyG · 08-19-2008, 02:19 AM

Hi EmergingAngel,
Adding my 2 cents into the pot...
I'm really not sure quite which way you should go on this - honesty is DEFINITELY the best policy, and I wouldn't suggest for a second that you should never tell her. But given that the relationship is new and she's been burned by a previous partner's porn addiction...hmmmm, as much as I'd like to say "be honest, now", I'd also say you should hold off a bit until you're completely ready for the potential backlash: you may likely be risking the relationship when you tell her, and if so you're going to have to fight incredibly hard to prove yourself to her. However you do need to tell her before she finds out somehow by herself.
The fact that you're tackling this problem of your own volition is fantastic, and I hope she can see that your situation is entirely different from the one she experienced before. So I would suggest that you take the time before you tell her to make a compilation of the most relevant stuff you've written (and been replied to with) here on TTF, and have that ready as "evidence", if you will, of your honest intent. Definitely ask her to come and read all the stuff here online, but I wonder if it may all be a bit emotionally overwhelming for her at the start, given her past relationship - that's why having a printed version of your intent and the more pertinent discussions regarding it may help to counter her possibly huge and somewhat inevitable emotional reaction to your disclosure. Does that all make sense?
Good luck

EmergingAngel · **She's amazing! -** 08-20-2008, 07:52 AM

So... I was going to wait to tell her, but it came up in conversation. She mentioned that she had a couple of P videos, and that she didn't think it was such a bad thing. She thought I would be upset that she had a couple! Ha! I told her I was in no place to judge anybody on anything, and she asked my opinion on it. So we talked for a few minutes, and she just flat out asked if I had a PA! I was a little nervous about it, but there was no way I was going to lie about it as it would only drive a wedge in the relationship later.

Turns out she has been to a couple of PA conventions because of the problems she has had with her previous relationship, and she was SO nice about it. We talked for a few minutes about it, and she was ok with it. She said it was ok that I had the problem, was glad that I'm working on it, and then she thanked me for telling her about it, and she was so freakin' sweet about the whole thing. *sigh* She's amazing... she's an angel.

brulant · 08-20-2008, 08:18 PM

Awesome. I bet that was a huge weight off your shoulders!
Honesty and recovery walk hand in hand.... works that way for relationships, too, from what I've noticed. ; )

I do want to mention something.... its kind of a dynamic or pattern that I'm often aware of like many girls. I'm not saying that its what's going on, but maybe something to look out for or ask yourself... maybe just be aware of?

We women often notice that when guys put us on a pedestal eventually they need to kick the pedestal out from under us.

Again.... I'm not saying that's in your future or who you are.
Its just that women's intuition kind of thing that's nagging at me.
Doesn't mean I'm right, either!!

BUT back to your post I'm incredibly happy for the both of you. It sounds like you're on the right track.

be well and stay strong!!

Jacinda24 · 08-23-2008, 04:25 AM

I'm very Happy that you've told her! It's also very kind of her to Thank you for telling her, you should feel very Grateful! How are things between the two of you now? Have you talked more about it? You said you talked about it for a few minutes, but I believe it's something that you'll need to continue to talk about. It's such a personal journey- with so many emotions coming from both sides. I'm proud of you Emerging Angel. : )