question for SO's - family shame

[dave]

Some background:
I have been P and M clean over 4 months. My wife and I have been married over 30 years and we are in our mid 50's. I am attending SAA and seeing a counselor. My wife has been more guarded about seeking help / recoverery but has made a couselor contact.
We have 3 adults kids
- 27 year old daughter attends NA and doing well (quit pot)
- 29 year old daughter doing well
- 31 year old son not doing well - pothead and on also methadone for opiates - not attending NA - many rehab attempts.
Despite all this our marriage is quite stable thanks to counseling several years ago. We have an active and mutual social/church life. My PA was fairly contained to Internet / DVD P and never escalated much but it had to change.

NOW here is the question:

My wife is feeling pressure over the private addiction secrets that fill our home. We live in a small community and have relatively high profiles. She is hesitant to visit this site. She shared this mess with a few close girlfriends. She is afraid of exposure of our / my problems in the community. She has trouble keeping other secrets in that healthy "go for a 4 hour supper with the girls thing". I am OK with this.
Any advice on how I can help or what she needs to move on in our journey?

I have to admit that when she puts it in this context part of me shares her fears or social exposure and part of me feels shamed - of myself and shamed by her approach - she is ashamed of me
.... . . . .
Dave

[needsmoresugar]

For me, it's unthinkable to share these problems with even my closest friends. Not because I'm ashamed of what my boyfriend has done, but because I feel this is so private that nobody else in our lives should know about it. Also, if I'm being completely honest, because it's nice to have a "safe" place that isn't tainted by the problems in my relationship and the pain it's causing me. If my friends don't know about it, I don't have to talk about it, and my wounds won't have to be reopened each time I do. It's comforting to keep it contained.

I feel it's different here because everyone here, to some extent, can relate. You will treat what I say with more respect, compassion, and especially understanding than my own best friend ever could, simply because she can't imagine what I'm going through, no matter how hard she might try. Also, of course, the anonymity these forums afford enables me to speak without censoring myself, which is very helpful.

I can't speak for your wife, of course. Her reasons for fearing your situation being public knowledge may be completely different than mine. Maybe she is ashamed and embarassed. Maybe she's afraid of how others in the community will treat the two of you if they know. Maybe she's afraid of losing friends (though friends who would desert her because of this aren't really friends at all). The only way to know is to ask her.

I hope you'll continue to encourage her to visit this site. She doesn't even need to register or post; I think she could benefit greatly from just reading. Explain to her that as great as it is that she has a support system in her friends, it's an entirely different experience when you're hearing from someone who's already been through it, and can share ideas and give advice that would never dawn on her friends. It's also inspiring to see those who have worked through their problems and grown stronger as a couple.

Best of luck and let us know what happens.