TTF community forums - A sad hello

[An exerpt from a very moving SO post.]

A letter to my partner.....

I love you.

You are a beautiful man. Generous friend. Wonderful father.

I love your warmth. I love your kindness. I love your enthusiasm, your confidence, your body, your spirit......

But.......

right now I want to leave. I want to run screaming. I want to never, ever be with any man ever again. I want to feel confident, and safe, and beautiful, and worthy. I used to feel that way. You used to make me feel that way.

Before p.

Before I realised the hold it has over you.

I tried. I tried to understand it. I tried to laugh it off. I watched it with you sometimes, hating it but loving you.

I tried to believe you when you said it was really me that you wanted, and only me. I lay in bed missing you, crying, holding your baby in my womb while you sat up all night looking at women who looked the opposite of me.

I tried to convince myself that i was no big deal while I checked your computer history. Revisited all of the pages you looked at. Watched all of your saved movies....

I tried not to notice when you bought a move into our lovemaking that I had seen previously in one of your dvds. I tried not to feel sick when I realised you were having sx with the fantasy in your head instead of making love to the woman in your bed.

I tried to convince myself that I was imagining things. Tried telling myself I was being unreasonably suspicious. Tried to believe your lies.
It is a pity really, that I know your beautiful face so well.....

I tried to feel sxy when I approached you in expensive underwear. Tried harder not to feel foolish and awkward. Tried not to think of my imperfect body and imperfect sexual responses to your touch.

I tried changing things in the bedroom. I accepted things I wasn't comfortable with doing to make you happy. I tried pretending to enjoy what we were doing. I tried convincing myself that every woman 'fakes it' sometimes.

I tried starving myself and manically exercising to lose the pregnancy weight as quickly as possible. I tried not to over react when I would return from the gym to find you had spent the time I was gone looking at p.

I tried other thing too.

I tried to punish you. I tried withholding affection, sx, intimacy.

I tried looking at you with revulsion and disgust. I tried to hate you.

I tried to catch you out at every turn. I tried checking your phone and computer, our bedroom, shed and car for 'evidence'. I often found it.

I tried talking. And crying. And yelling.

I tried silence.

I tried planning for a life without you in it.

I tried picturing the children's faces as I tell them we won't be together anymore.

I am so tired of triying.

I wish you could see that p is destroying our relationship.

I wish you realised that when I ask you questions about your p I more often then not already know the truth.

I wish the lies didn't roll so easily off your tongue.

I wish you could carry some of the burden of my heavy heart.

I wish you wouldn't get so angry and defensive when I try to talk to you about p.

I wish you wouldn't jump to psdefence. I wish you would fight for me as passionatley as you fight for your right to view porn.

I wish I could go back in time and not fall in love with you, not start a life with you.

I love you but I don't trust you.

I can't leave the house without feeling sick about what you might be doing when I am gone.

I can't be naked around you anymore. We used to be so free. Our sx has no 'light' in it now that has been marred by countless faces and bodies and acts that have nothing to do with me/ us.

I can't plan for our future. There is no joy in that for me anymore. I dont want to talk about house extentions or holidays or business plans.

I can't marry you next year. I cant stand in front of all of the people that we know and love and commit to you forever. I can't hear you say 'forsaking all others' when I know that to be a lie.

I can't enjoy preparing for the new baby we are about to bring into this relationship. I can't help thinking about healing from a c section in hospital while you mb to images of perfect naked childless 18 year olds.

But I can't disapoint you either.

I can't walk away from you, can't hurt you.

I can't do that to our children, or to our families.

Not yet.

I feel hopeless and afraid. Weak and of no value. Out of my mind. Ugly. Ashamed. Old. Used. Exhausted. Sad. Depleted. Desperate.