Failing Forward: A partner’s guide to healing from Porn Addiction - Part 1

Failing Forward: A partner’s guide to healing from Porn Addiction Welcome to the tumultuous world of being the significant other of a porn addict. Most partners of porn addicts would agree, none of us ever expected this, or planned for it. Many never saw it coming. How could we? Pornography addiction is not a main stream addiction. It’s not as if we see the devastating effects of alcohol or drug abuse on our partners daily. Most porn addiction is secret, hidden, and until it begins to impact our daily lives, none of us ever expected our partners even had a problem, let alone an addiction. But, as we are all too aware, porn addiction, the problems it causes, and the damage done to significant others of porn addicts, is very real. Partners of porn addicts experience first hand what porn addiction does to our emotional well being, our mental health, possibly even our physical health, and the long reaching implications of porn addiction on our relationships. Often times, as the significant other in a relationship with a porn addict, we struggle to find a way to heal ourselves while we support our addicts on their road to recovery. Sometimes we find success. Sometimes we struggle. Sometimes we move forward and other times, it feels like our own healing is going backward, not progressing, especially if our partner is not finding success on their own journey towards recovery from addiction. Our sincere hope is to offer a guide, a glimpse at the recovery process as we have experienced it, for significant others to use to help them find their own path to recovery. We hope by sharing our journey down this long, winding, emotional road, that we can offer support and guidance to those who may be lost and looking for support, looking for guidance, and looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. What is Pornography Addiction? Pornography can be summarized as any written, drawn (including digital graphics), video or photographic material that is intended to cause sexual stimulation. The primary focus of the addiction is on pornographic literature, images, or video, but can expand to include online chatting, cyber-sex, or any other interactive means of seeking sexual stimulation. Anything that is sexually titillating can be termed pornography. Porn addiction is commonly referred to as a process addiction where the euphoric feeling, the “high”, comes from chemicals released into the brain, rather than from an external source like drugs or alcohol. The mind gradually becomes accustomed to the release of these chemicals, it searches out for continued sources of that high. For the porn addict, this high comes from the visual stimulus of looking at pornographic material or engaging in interactive pornography. This stimulus is usually, but not always, accompanied by masturbation. As with most types of addiction, porn addiction is rarely caused by only one factor. Porn addiction feeds on itself, and is progressive in nature. A person becomes desensitized to the images that are being seen, and constantly needs more new images. In addition, once exposed to the more graphic depictions of sexual activity, simple nudity is no longer as exciting. In some cases, this progression into harder pornography, interactive pornography, real life encounters, and can lead to illegal activities. The problem with porn addiction is mostly one of altered perception. Continued exposure to pornography changes the user's view of the people around them. Men using pornography tend to see women as sexual objects rather than as valuable people to be honored and respected. In a marriage relationship, pornography can drive a wedge between the man and wife. The progressive nature of pornography can lead a relationship down paths that one partner may not wish to travel. Often times the porn addict, due to the chemical imbalance in the brain, and the physical effects of the addiction, may experience reduction in satisfaction from partner interaction, and may experience sexual difficulty. The addict may seek added sexual stimulation through asking their partner to perform in ways not common, like fantasy roll playing, or through “acting out” the pornographic material they find stimulating, even though this may be beyond the partner’s comfort level or even without their knowledge of the rationale behind the addict’s behavior. Does your partner really have an addiction to pornography? Think about the following questions:

• Are there times your partner can not account for time or money?
• Does your partner have unexplainable mood swings?
• Does your partner spend time alone and isolated, and become angry or upset when they are disturbed?
• Does your partner's moods depend on how much sex and intimacy are involved in your relationship?
• Does your spouse have a lack of sexual activity with you?
• Does your spouse have a history of emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect?
• Does your spouse ask you to engage in the viewing of pornography to “spice up” your sexual relations?
• Are there arguments over sex?
• Is your spouse unable to be emotionally connected with you, family, or friends?
• Does sex appear to not satisfy him/her (wants more right away or there never seems to be enough)?
• Is there a lot of anger or erratic behavior when he/she is said "no" to sexually?
• Do you feel alone during your sexual encounters?
• Do you feel used, dirty or abandoned after sexual encounters?
• Is there a sense that he's/she's got his "fix" and now he's better?
• Does your spouse have a supply of pornographic material?
• Have they made promises to quit a behavior and failed?

If you can answer yes to many of the above questions, your partner may be a porn addict. Healing from porn addiction, as the partner of an addict is not easy, and often times we stumble along, feeling alone and isolated, as we struggle to come to terms with what porn addiction has done to us emotionally, mentally, spiritually and possibly even physically.Part 2 Part 3 Part 4