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Originally Posted by IntoTheFire  However I relapsed the other day. I was in a bad frame of mind and I could not break out of it, I was bound to relapse because I was in a danger zone. I'm really pissed about it, but I guess I'll just try again today. |
IntoTheFire - I hope your bad frame of mine is not confining you and you have been able to break out of it. I know that place well and it takes courage to forgive yourself and try again. For me that experience of being with someone for whom I would like to be the best man I can and then being back on my own, unable to make contact out of my own shell puts me in a very vulnerable place to P and MB and then of course I'm "not worthy" to be with that person anyway, so no wonder I can't make contact - great strategy huh!! Don't yet know how to do things differently, I'm just seeing the pattern a bit better right now...
On the topic of this thread, I think you've named stuff very well. I know for me P is just so powerful to my own desires that I just immediately lose my centre to it and willingly shut off all decision making functions inside myself. I do the same around food as well. So often I can hear my head saying "you don't need that chocolate" even whilst my hand is reaching for it and stuffing it in my mouth! I reckon for me this is '
just' the addictive pattern that I'm running. I'd like to know what's underneath it but right now I think I need to build some discipline inside in order get any space to make a decision about MB (or food)
That word initimacy is such a big one. For me, being close to a woman, kind of being inside the public defences, where I can let down my defences as well for once is magic. And then when it goes nowhere, and I'm thrown back on myself the loneliness comes back redoubled and it's back to P and MB and downward spirals.
Another day to try and do something different today.....