Hi Dave,
I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are starting to communicate better now...it really is the best way to get a relationship back on track after something like a p-addiction has surfaced.
As for your emotional meltdowns...please, do take your wife at her word when she says it's ok. I am the spouse of a pa myself, and I'd rather know if he's finding it difficult than have him lock things up inside or start beating himself up about how he's feeling. As soon as you start keeping things inside, or at the least trying to hide them from her out of shame, then I daresay she will suddenly feel locked out of your world again - and that's something that can really hinder the healing of your relationship. I'm sure she understands that it will take time for you to heal as well as her. By letting her into your emotional world you are allowing her to understand and remember that you are truly sorry for the pain you have caused her - and far from being hard for us spouses to take, that sort of thing is in fact healing for us also: not from a getting revenge perspective, but rather just to remind us that you are sincere in your intent to change. Your emotions will balance out, and you'll feel more stable after time. Yes, try to figure out what your "triggers" are and how you can help yourself to recover from this shame you feel, but don't let it get to you too much - everyone withdraws in different ways, and this is part of your own healing journey. Better to be capable of feeling "too much" than living like a robot, yes?!
All the best
