[Vilema]

Hey Scooter, thanks for your feedback. I'm happy you found my post helpful. I enjoy writing and it helps me to clear my head. It also helps me tap into subconscious thoughts, feelings, issues, etc. It's good that you're journaling regularly. I think it will help you in the way that its helping me.

Yes, in the past, I have definately experienced what you mention. I have gone through stages where I feel like all is well and then experienced stages where the bottom falls out. For most of my life, I focused on these stages and their seeming instability as the basis for my "bad" behavior.

I suppose I allowed myself to be controlled by my circumstances rather than to recognize my ability to exercise control over them. Granted there are many variables in life that we simply cannot control, however, looking back, I believe I was relying on those uncontrollable variables as my excuse to treat myself, my body, my emotional healthy and my life badly.

I can honestly say to you, Scooter, that I was living a nuber of lies an inconsistencies. I would exclaim that I wanted to improve such and such or that I wanted to lose weight or that I wanted to let go of past hurts but in the next breath rely on life's inconsistencies for my rational to maintain my current status.

Today, I no longer subscribe to the stages of life paradigm. I realize that these stages are really the spice of life even when they are disappointing. Think about it. How much better are the good times when we have the bad times to reflect upon. Even though I've been through a tremendous amount of hurt, abuse and tragedy in my life, I can now recognize, appreciate and embrace the good times with so much more joy and enthusiasm.

What I've gleaned from reading your recovery journal is that you appear to be struggling with the desire to improve yourself vs. the desire to maintain your status quo. Your fate, Scooter, rests entirely in your hands. You may continue to live your life in the way you've been living it (which based on your posts sounds like it's rife with personal frustration, disappointment and broken relationships due to your reliance on p) or you can make the courageous decision to stop that cycle now. You will absolutely have stages of bad times. But you will absolutely have stages of good times too.

I don't know if this is a bunch of senseless ramblings (I'm operating on only 2 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours) or if you find it helpful. I am cheering for you Scooter. And, yes, you may absolutely use anything from my posts if it will help you to slay the beasts you're fighting. You are worth the effort, Scooter. You can do this. I'm happy to be your friend and offer encouragement and support along the way. The first step, however, lies with you. Will you take the journey? I suspect the quest's end is well worth the effort. I know that my 6 days of freedom have been some of the best of my adult life even though I've had some loneliness and personal frustration. If I'm feeling this good when circumstances in my life are less than favorable, I cannot wait to see how good I'm going to feel when my circumstances improve. I am confident you will find the same to be true for yourself. Hang in there, buddy. You can do it!!!