[traveller]

Hi ~All

I am new to this forum and have been trying to recover for some years now. was once part of another forum and drifted away back into the abyss.

I have struggled with sexual issues over the years and particularly PA over the past 4. I am a professional, married for almost 25 yrs with 2 teenage kids.

The root of my probs., like many of you, were through a dysfunctional childhood-alcoholic father, clingy depressed mother-brother in jail etc. etc. Have had alot of therapy over the years and have grown alot, but my core issues-those which result in my PA still remain.

I have had a 'secret' life of acting out and masturbation since my teenage years, which has continued into my marriage and adult life. I 'came out' to my wife a few years ago when I discovered she had an affair with her boss. I almost used the revelation to get back at her, but realise now it was more a cry for help and not wanting to hide anymore. At that point, I was sometimes surfing and acting out for several hours a day in my office, as I worked alone.

We did couple therapy, through alot of pain and both realised we had a role in what happened to both of us. I wasn't really there for her emotionally, although she had been there for me for years supporting me through my issues.

I stopped acting out for several months-had some therapy, but then slowly started drifting back. The main difference is that I MB less but still looked. It was as if there was some moral guard up, which kept me often from going all the way. Often I couldn't even have an orgasm when I did so. Maybe in reality it was just my was of thinking it was okay to do what I did.

I always thought we had a reasonably good sex life, but that my wife never wanted it enough, or was difficult to 'get going'. I now realise that really I probably wasn't 'there' for her and she felt this subconsciously. Often, if I felt rejected, I turned to porn, but then I even used it when sex was good. Through all the healing from her affair, I lead her to think I had stopped all this-which I had to some extent. But in reality, I deceived her and lied and promised I was okay.

Now it is the third time that my problem has come out and she is again let down. She says she will not take it anymore and I have to stop. I really want to but fear I don't have the strength. We love one another so much, and I am sick with myself and what I have done over the years and how much I've hurt her.

Please give me some advice-I want so much to grow-to move forwards-to leave my past behind me.!!