[justinian66]

Hello everyone. I am new to this site and its good to see that i am not the only one who suffers from this addiction. I'd like to say a few things so i can get them off my chest. Discussing the problem with other people, or even just writing it down, seems to help the recovery process. I'd like to begin by telling a little about my problem and what it has done to me. I can remember nearly every time I ever looked porn or MB, a most depressing fact. It began nearly five years ago, and it was the result of just being too curious and being in the wrong place, at the wrong time. I've tried countless times over the years to quit, using various methods and means to fight it, but i can never seem to overcome it. For a long time, i felt that whenever I looked at pornography or MB, i was cursed to suffer a depressing or difficult experience(s) the same or following day. When i was 16, a girl that i had had a crush on ever since elementary school, died. For days, i felt that her death was the punishment God had cursed me with for looking at pornography. Fortuneately, i was able to dispel this absurd idea from my mind after awhile. I even was able to resit the temptation for weeks after it too. However, the addiction returned, and nothing i did seemed powerful enough to defeat this addiction. Years later, i began dating a girl who was the best girlfriend a guy could ever ask for. With her around, i was able to resist the temptation for a few months. It seemed i had the pornography problem on the run. But the problem returned after a few months. This time around, however, the addiction spawned a new problem. I began to suffer from clinical depression, although at the time i wouldn't admit it. This depression (furthered by my addiction to pornography) took a serious toll on my life. My relationships with my friends, and girlfriend, suffered. I didnt even try to save my relationship with my girlfriend, the one thing that had brought me so much joy and happiness (not to mention the strength to resist the addiction) in my life. Months later, i finaly began seeing a counselor and began taking medication to treat my depression, and pornography problem, after countless and vivid thoughts of suicide began dominating my conciousness. At first, the counseling and medication seemed to be working. I was able to control my thoughts and desires, and once again, i thought i had this problem on the run. However, like so many times before, the problem returned. I have been in counseling and on medication for several months now, and i'm afraid that i'll never be able to get over this. I've asked my parents to put passwords and filters on my computer, and employ various defense mechanisms to prohibit me from feeding this addiction. But i always seem to find a way around these defenses in order to indulge myslef in this terrible thing. I know that it's possible to overcome depression, and this addiction, but this battle has been raging for almost five years now, and hope is fading fast. I just dont know what to do anymore. It terrifies me to say this, but i think i'm fighting a battle where the final outcome has already been decided: defeat.