[Vilema]

So, I've been p and mb free for 2 days now and that feels great. However, today is a rough day because I'm feeling very sorry for and angry at myself. I promise I will not regularly post poor Vilema blogs but today I will indulge myself.

The background...
I moved to California 4 years ago to start a new life for myself. It was a struggle but it was a great decision in the long run. I learned to be self reliant. I learned to take responsibility for my emotions and I learned that I have limitless career potential. I had my dream job. I manages hundred million dollar technical proposals, garnered an impressive portfolio of awarded projects, worked for a large company and made good money.

Meanwhile, back at the "ranch"...
My stepfather developed life threatening health issues. This would be the second time my mom faced losing a husband to terminal illness (the first, being my real father). So, I was deeply torn about moving back home (a 3,000 mile journey) because I knew I'd have to give up my career and take boring job. But family is family.

Simultaneously...
My new boss at work was a major jerk - stole my ideas, writings, etc., harrassed me about overweight women, didn't do any of his own work and dumped it all on me and took the credit for it, ducked out of work early on a regular basis to go to baseball games and surfing with friends and left me and the rest of our dept burried under unrealistic deadlines. So, I filed a report against him and you know what happened then...they canned me for rocking the boat which made my decision to move back home much easier.

So...
I moved back to my hometown and in with my parents. I applied to well over 100 jobs within a 500 mile radius of them and nothing. I finally got hired on a document processor for a "paper mill" working midnights. Talk about humbling-going from managing $100+ million proposals to formatting charts and tables in Word! The only good thing about the job is that I was able to get my own place.

Additionally...
I had to divorce my best friend of 8 years because I finally (took awhile for the blinders to come off) came to realize that she was unhealthy for me. She is a compulsive liar. She is also a breeder of dissention and would regularly stretch the truth or tell outright lies about me. She was only happy when I was down and she basically was using me for access to all my high school guy friends. I confronted her and she denied everything and tried to make it my fault (typical of a user) and then went on to act as if nothing had happened even though I was crying my eyes out when I told her how badly she'd hurt me. I have not spoken to her in months. And, I actually feel much better, healthier and happier without her.

However...
I'm lonely. This is where my struggle to engage in p and mb comes into play. It also is a trigger for overeating and compuslive shopping. My crazy work schedule prohibits me from seeing my friends and family for more than a few hours a week and as a raging extrovert, it's making me miserable. On top of that, I hate my job. It's boring. I'm making significantly less than half what I made in San Diego and I'm struggling to adjust my spending accordingly. When I get done work (at 6am), I want to go out and be near people, but the only place open is Walmart, so I go there and then I spend money. It's all a horrible, vicious cycle. Today, I only got 3 hours of sleep so I could go see a movie with my friends (they're all off today for a state holiday) but I'll pay for it at work tonight.

My job is understimulating, boring and doesn't begin to tap into my intellect, skills or potential. I'm thoroughly miserable but I don't see any escape (which is why p and m b are such a tempatation). In nearly every interview I've been on, I'm told I'm overqualified. What?! So, nobody will hire me 'cause they are afraid I'll get bored and move on and/or demand more money after they hire me. I'm totally trapped. I've tried nearby big cities and nothing.

What am I supposed to do? My car payment is killing me (was reasonable and responsible when I bought it based on my salary at the time), my student loans are piling up and I am emotionally and intellectually understimulated.

I'm starting my job search again but I'm not holding my breath. The economy is worse now than it was when I first moved 9 months ago. So, what do I do? I'm stuck on a terrible shift, making little money and have no opportunities to see the people I care about. I'm completely isolated and that makes the tempation to do p and mb, overeat and overspend nearly impossible to overcome. I'm drowing here.

I don't really think there's anything anybody out there can do to help me with this but it does feel good to get it off my chest. It doesn't fix my overdrawn bank account (I HATE that I'm so bad with my finances) or my loneliness but I have hope - not a lot of hope but enough to get me through tonight. It's just really tough sometimes because I've made a lot of sacrifices for others in my life and I always end up being the one to cheer them on to their happily ever after. When will I get mine?