Ironically, a few months ago I asked my guy this very same question. "What can I do to help you as you struggle?" I asked him to type out a letter for me so that I could read it whenever I wanted to. As my partner is actively working on overcoming porn I felt I wanted to do what I could to suppport him. While I am not able to actually help him overcome his addiction, I do feel that since I've pledged my life to him, I want to support him in the ways that he needs. Below is part of the letter he wrote me:
- I need a lot from you right now, but know that I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I feel like I have totally failed you yet again, and that makes me feel hopeless. I feel like my struggle is getting me no where – giving up looks tempting. Will these chains ever come off? Please tell me that it will be ok. Tell me that you forgive me and love me still, that you understand I'm hurting too. I can't give up. Hold me and whisper in my ear that you know that I love you still... you know that I did not do this to hurt you. Let me know that tomorrow will be a better day, that there is still hope. I need you so much now. Don't let us fall into blaming each other or saying mean things. But just love me, understand that I did not plan this. Help me get up again and fight. I love you.
What's written above is my goal...I want to show him compassion-even if I don't think in that moment he deserves it. He aleady feels like crap and doesn't need me to reinforce the fact he messed up. I guess I'm fortunate because my guy never blames me for his problem. He admits it has everything to do with him and the choices he's made-he was addicted long before he ever met me. He never blames me, never tells me to mind my own business, never tells me "all the guys do it, its normal." He takes full responsibility for his problem and I think that's partly what enables me to still show him love and support even when he messes up. If my guy acted as though he didn't have a problem or told me I was being unreasonable and that it was normal for guys to look at porn I don't imagine I would have the same reaction.
But this is my own experience and I have found that in our situation showing compassion makes things a lot more bearable for both of us.