[Coyote Toast]

You've raised some interesting questions, justme. I think that a key piece to this discussion relates to the mechanism of addiction. Sexual feelings trigger the internal release of neurochemicals that create a lot of pleasure -- this is a natural experience. As is well documented, it is quite possible to become emotionally addicted to these neurochemicals and this mechanism of releasing them. P is a common way to do this, but it can also be done with fantasy or staring at real people. So ultimately we have to come to terms with what is natural/healthy and what is addictive/unhealthy in our sexual behaviors.

I've been thinking a lot about this as I struggle to come to terms with my own sexuality and my PA. I'm trying to find a balance and it's not at all easy. Patrick Carnes has some very helpful writing about this: "Only an out-of-control pattern along with the other classic signs of addiction -- obsession, powerlessness, and the use of sex as a means to relieve pain -- indicate the presence of sexual addiction." (That's from DON'T CALL IT LOVE: RECOVERY FROM SEXUAL ADDICTION.) Carnes also offers a 4 step analysis to assess whether sexual behavior is addictive in his book OUT OF THE SHADOWS and I'm going to quote it here for your consideration:

"Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his or her own sexuality. Like the overeater, recovery does not mean the elimination of funamental human processes. Celibacy does not resolve the problem. The question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive.
The following formula is suggested as a guideline. Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described as follows:

1. It is a secret. Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.
2. It is abusive to self or others. Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.
3. It is used to avoid or is a source of painful feelings. If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.
4. It is empty of a caring, committed relationship. Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships. The addict runs a great risk by being sexual outside of a committed relationship."

Carnes is a good 12 stepper so he offers us an acronym to remember this analysis: SAFE (secret, abusive, feelings, empty). I've been using the above guidelines to analyze my own behavior and I'm finding it very helpful. The only drawback to it so far is the fourth point if you don't have a relationship. But a lot can be learned just by applying the first 3 points.

Anyway, I highly recommend you continue to enjoy your girlfriend and choose her over the unresponsive two dimensions of P.