60 Seconds with CyberPunk

[Vorlan]

Vorlan says:
Ok then I'll start with the questions, thanks for volunteering your time CP.

CyberPunk says:
no problem

Vorlan says:
First off how long are you clean at the moment?

CyberPunk says:
3.5 days

Vorlan says:
Is there anything different about your routine/plans now to last time you relapsed?

CyberPunk says:
yes and no...I've really been struggling with porn on the internet so I've locked down internet access pretty strongly

Vorlan says:
That's good, anything else?

CyberPunk says:
However, that doesn't change the fact that I've stored a lot of that junk in my own head. The biggest struggle for me right now is keeping my thoughts clean and that is difficult. I have recognized something in myself, if I find myself pre-occupied with sexual thoughts during the day, I am much more likely to wake up with what I call "night lusts". So, if I find myself walking down that road, I am trying to envision the long term effects of my decision.

Vorlan says:
I see thanks, you say in your journal that you go to SA meetings and use a 12 step programme. How do you find this helps you?

CyberPunk says:
There is a correlation between how active I am in my 12-steps, and calling other addicts, and my sobriety.

Vorlan says:
I see, can you expand on that? Do you know what it is specifically about them which helps most?

CyberPunk says:
Recovery is a process, not a destination, and when I am actively working on my recovery I do better at it. Hmm..let me explain that a little better. Recovery is not a passive process. It is like trying to climb up a slide, if you aren't actively working on it, I should say if I'm not actively working on it, then I tend to be slipping down...

Vorlan says:
I see so these help you feel like you are making progress?

CyberPunk says:
Yes...12 steps helps me a lot...it is about being open with other people and getting help from others.

Vorlan says:
I see, so sort of like TTF?

CyberPunk says:
yes..a lot like TTF, only in person...I keep wanting recovery to be easy but it isn't and it isn't something you can do alone

Vorlan says:
Yeah, definately

CyberPunk says:
When I start to withdraw into my shell...then I am in trouble. So, for me, recovery is about getting outside of myself as well as staying sober

Vorlan says:
I apologise if this is a hard question to answer but you mentioned in your journal that you have trouble with anger - like the hulk? You mentioned that you sometimes felt that MB and P were better than acting out in a bigger way. Do you truly believe this?

CyberPunk says:
No..P and MB are slow and deceptive but they cause more destruction in the long term... P and MB have cost me as much as my anger has..

Vorlan says:
But do you believe it is a choice between one or the other?

CyberPunk says:
No...I believe that all of them are symptoms. They are symptoms of my desire to try and control my environment, avoid consequences and be a selfish *******. They are really just drugs to cover up my own insecurities.

Vorlan says:
I see. Thanks, that can't have been an easy question to answer. Lets move on to an easier question.

CyberPunk says:
okay

Vorlan says:
This will be the last one we have time for. Of all the members on TTF who would you say has helped and inspired you most in your journey towards recovery?

CyberPunk says:
I have to say Daniel. He posted a lot on my journal, he has stayed sober and honest with himself and the community, and he is always helping others. But everyone here has helped me at different times...

Vorlan says:
Great, thanks a lot for your time Cyberpunk. This has been really insightful.

CyberPunk says:
good..thank you...have a great night

Vorlan says:
You too! Sorry if I went a bit hard on you but I had to live up to A2's example!

CyberPunk says:
haha...you were fine...

Vorlan says:
Good to know :)

[Charly22]

This is awesome stuff! I believe it is truly from the core and hits on one huge point:

"I believe that all of them are symptoms. They are symptoms of my desire to try and control my environment, avoid consequences and be a selfish *******. They are really just drugs to cover up my own insecurities."

This is at the core of ALL OF US. Whether we be PA, SO, gambling addicts, shopping addicts, online addicts, anger issues, low self esteem, etc. etc.

I give big props to cyberpunk for being able to recognize this.

I believe this point of trying to control our environment, and having insecurities about not being able to, and medicating because we fail at it....I believe this is a call for spirituality....when we look beyond our own ego, and see things from the "eternal perspective", best we can, there is a peace and understanding that comes from that.....that nothing else in this fake materialistic world will ever be able to provide!

[JenMac]

This was great! Thanks so much!
I agree with Charly on the points she talked about and I also liked this -
CyberPunk says:
Recovery is a process, not a destination, and when I am actively working on my recovery I do better at it. Hmm..let me explain that a little better. Recovery is not a passive process. It is like trying to climb up a slide, if you aren't actively working on it, I should say if I'm not actively working on it, then I tend to be slipping down...
I SO believe this! That is why I think I always feel like it has to be kept and dealt with in the forefront of our lives.
Great interview!
Jenn