Jasmine, that was an amazing post, not just beautifully written which it was, but do descriptive of everything I feel and my experience so far.
Everything has changed, including me. Like you I am shocked at the person I have become. I am not a nice person anymore, I am full of anger I never knew I was capable of and like you I say the most hurtful things when we fight, just to make him feel like I feel, and I hate myself for that. I am neurotic now and un-trusting, where before I thought I had a great body, now all I think about is getting surgery and losing weight to make me more... well.. you know...
Sometimes I think my anger continues because my husband thinks that when I am not yelling at him, everything is fine and he goes back to normal (My husband has Aspergers). So when I stop yelling he stops trying to stop the p, when I stop yelling he goes back to what he was doing before. Sometimes it feels like I have to keep yelling otherwise in two weeks I am going to be going through this again. An example of this is that my husband will only read what is written on this site when we are having a fight and he knows I am cranky and I know he only does it to stop the yelling, but when I stop the yelling he stops trying and it all starts over.
I am so frustrated and angry and I just want it to stop.
When we were first together I loved him more than I could ever imagine loving anyone, now I don't know if I will truly love him again, most of the time I don't even think I will even like him again.
I think the point that is the hardest, is why did he do this. He chose to do this, I didn't, he chose to ruin his marriage, and I just wish he would leave.
I don't want to fight anymore, there is nothing to fight for. The whole relationship was based on lies and I don't see anything worth saving.