[jasmine]

Glass_of_water, I once talked to a friend about what I was going through, and he told me, "Yeah, it's called forgiveness, Ever heard of it?" Then he walked off. That really hurt. Forgiveness is not that simple. It is more than a word or a "talk." It takes time, and healing. Before my boyfriend betrayed me, I prided myself on being incapable of hatred, never raising my voice, and loving all people unconditionally. People always told me I was too nice, and maybe I was...

But his porn habit changed who I am. I realize now that I am not only capable of hatred, but I am capable of expressing it to my boyfriend in the most bitter and hurtful ways. So the saying is true, "Hell hath no fury..." I fight with him all the time now. We fight before we go to bed at night, when we wake up in the morning, at the grocery store, at the Little League games. We fight when we're together, we fight when we're apart, we even fight in front of each other's parents.

My biggest mistake was thinking that this kind of thing could never touch any relationship of mine, that I was too successful, or too pretty, or in some way immune to this kind of thing. Not true. I, too, have found him searching " ________ nude", among other things, in the search engine, and this happens to be one of the more painful things: knowing that when we cuddle up to watch a movie together, he's logging that actress's name in his brain and waiting until I leave so he can look her up. I still flinch when I think about it. So, my answer to why are you still angry is, "How on earth is it possible to not be angry?" In less than a month, I went virtually from sainthood to intolerable b***, and I never thought it could happen.

I believe that what he has done has changed us forever. I can never be that innocent, that naive, that confident ever again. I will never have high self-esteem no matter what. The only way I can describe, in a nutshell, how he has changed me is "less happy." I am disappointed by him, by the world, by love, by hope, by friends and by life. I will never be able to eat ice cream without thinking, "I'm fat." I will never be able to watch a movie without thinking, "He wants to cheat on me with that actress." There are things in life I know I will never enjoy again because of what he's done, and I have come to accept it.

What they have done to us is permanent. In time, anger and hatred have become a part of my character that never existed before. It is so scary, and I know exactly what you mean: this is not me. This is not the relationship I dreamed of when I was younger. These are not the feelings I wanted in my life. But, ironically, it is the one who teaches us to love so deeply in one direction who also teaches us to hate so deeply in the same vein.