[FoolishMind]

Hi Glass,

I can imagine you writing that post with a teary eye yet gritting your teeth with anger. It is very painful for a partner to support someone with PA. The only reason you are still with that person is because a part of you loves him dearly, and also children play a part.

For everytime you have been let down, disrespected, lied too, It would be like punching holes right through you. You can cover those holes up, but you will always feel a cold draft running through reminding you of them.

When does that anger go away? Im sure you will appreciate there is no set answer for that. My relationship with my wife has improved immensely in the last 5 months, but I know at least one moment in every day, she will remember the hurt I have caused her, and that will hurt her so much again by simply remembering a name I have searched for, or an image she has seen from my history. It makes me feel sick remembering it, So her feelings will be ten fold.

I have taken this journey on for myself, to make ME a better person. My wife has stayed with me as she has seen a change in me, One slip up, and she will leave me in a flash. Were all human, and its human nature to remember the bad much more clearly than the good. Thats just our make up. I have been married 5 years, and we have definatley have had some great times, But they have been completely stained by my selfish acts. When i started this journey of recovery, I acknowledged that my wife will not go "Wooopdeee dooo, hallelujiah everythings ok!" I made it clear to myself, that I have to expect that my wife will never trust me again. Im ok with that. My wife will probably also have many bad memories in her head for many many years. That saddens me completely, that thought my grotesque actions, she has to suffer with that, But that urges me more to spend the rest of my able life to fill up her mind with great experiences and good memories of us with the time we have together. Perhaps, just perhaps one day, I will create more good experiences that will eventually push out the bad, but I am not banking on that.

Stinger said something very powerful "being sorry in life doesn't guarantee forgiveness from anyone"

The words Love & Sorry are so commonly used, they have really lost their true power. Especially when you heard it so many times from a PA, and I am positive that most PA's will agree, that addicts in general are great liars.

IT IS NOT ALL WOE! People can change Glass! People can turn their lives around, Relationships can go through some serious stress, but come through shining and stronger than ever before.

If your partner is focused on why they want to clean up their act, If your partner communicates with you, You will see changes, and this should help feed your strength to numb you mind at times to the reflections you get and the anger you feel.

I wish your husband the strength to counter his PA, and I wish you the strength to see through the tough times, and ultimatley both of you find a new improved relationship.

FM