[Vilema]

I have been living in the shadow of porn for nearly 12 years. It's time to feel the sun on my face! I'm tired of feeling the weight that pornography has placed on me. I want to be free.

Initially porn was my exhusband's problem. Though it was some time before I realized that to be the case. We were both raised in conservative Christian homes and were each other's "first". Shortly after we wed, he lost all interest in me. He was emotionally distant, closed, angry and demeaning. Anytime I wore something nice for him, he'd look at me with disgust and brush me aside. It was aweful. I felt completely worthless and very sad. I began to suspect he was having an affair.

Little did I know how close to the mark my suspicions were. Several months into our marriage I found out who the "other woman" was and I knew instantly that I had no hope, I was fighting a losing battle against a fantasy. My husband was addicted to porn and he blamed me for it. Many of the posts I've read on here help me to understand my exhusband's behavior.

How I wish I had access to a site like this all those years ago. It would have been so helpful to me. Ultimately, I could not compete with the fantasy women my husband longed for and unsurprisingly he had several affairs. Due to the depression and loneliness, I began to gain weight and he quickly used that as his reason for behaving so badly towards me. Needless to say, the marriage failed and miserably.

I became obsessed with understanding the "enemy", with the "other woman". I had to find out what was so great about watching women he didn't know, couldn't touch, couldn't interact with and why that was so much more worth his time than his new bride at home. I hated porn and yet, was drawn to it. I wanted to see what these other women did or had that I was apparently lacking. I was on a mission to learn as much as I could so that I would never be left alone and unloved again.

The trap was set. Twelve years later, I not only continue to lack understanding of my husband's choice of porn over our marriage but am now a regular watcher of it. I really struggle with this transformation in me. I started out hating it because it ruined my marriage and now, I watch it on a regular basis. I enjoy it even. But, as I've spent some time reading posts from other members, I'm beginning to realize that I've been living in a porn shadow my entire adult life.

My husband's obession with fantasy women made it impossible for me to be remotely what he wanted. This triggered in me a deep depression and self loathing. For over a decade, I've struggled with obesity and now, only today, do I fully understand why. I've been punishing myself for lacking what the porn stars had that drew my husband from me. Who can compete with airbrushed models? I felt hopeless, unloveable, unworthy of affection and so I ate and I ate and I hid behind my weight. I hide because I'm afraid that I'll disappoint any other man I may meet.

You might think that this would cause me to shun porn forever but ironically, I am drawn to it. I guess I'm living vicariously through the beautiful women in the movies. They are wanted. They are desired. They are gorgeous. It's so much easier for me to wtch them than it is to risk developing a meaningful relationship with a man. I'm so afraid I'll be hurt again.

But, I hate it. I hate the way women are portrayed as objects. I hate the way the men are portrayed too-selfish, unloving and controlling. I really hate that the industry focuses so much on young people (teens). This is why I am disgusted with myself for watching it. I'm a foster youth mentor for goodness sake. I'm supposed to be a Christian and yet I watch p and mb. I want to be a good role model for the kids I mentor. I certainly don't want to watch things that exploit hurting young people.

Is it weird that I'm a woman and I struggle with this? I feel I'm doubly damaged by porn - as the hurt exwife of an addict and now as an adict myself. I've decided that today, I will get well. I want to lay an axe to the porn that's been blocking me from the sun all these years.