[Glass_of_water]

I am struggling with my own battle at the moment which as connected as it is to my husbands behaviours, is really my own battle to fight.

I am so angry, an anger I have never felt before, and everything my husband does just makes me angrier. I know he is trying to work on his addiction, but that doesn't help with the issue that I have.

My husband and I have been married nearly a year, I found out about his P addiction about a month after we were married. Well if I had trusted my instincts I would have found out at the start of the relationship when I started to type an address in the address bar of my computer and an adult (match making) website same up. At the time he told me my son (8 at the time) might have accidentally accessed it, which I was sure was not true. For the following year little things came up and I would always remember that address and yet I believed him when he swore to me that it wasn't him.

Fast forward to a month after we were married, and I was on his computer and in the google search box came up an entry which was an actresses name then 'nude'. Again I questioned him and he again denied it... I pushed and pushed and he finally admitted it. I asked about the site that had been on my mind from the start of the relationship, and again he denied it. Finally he admitted that he did access this site, and hinted at the extent of his addiction.

I was shattered, I am not even against P, but when I had brought up p he had made comment that he didn't like it and didn't want that in our relationship.

As shattered as I was, I really didn't understand how bad things were, but very quickly all the pieces came together and there was a terrible picture. I made him log onto the sites he was using so I could see what he was looking at. In a two year period he had looked at over 16,000 womens profiles on one site alone (he did not have a profile just looked at the pictures). That was only one site, he used a number of different sites to a similar extent.

How do I get over that?

Certain things seem to stay in my thoughts and I can't get rid of them. Like that the day after we came back from our honeymoon he was mb to p and even added a woman to his hot list (on the matchmaking site) whilst I was at work telling everybody how happy and in love I was.

How do I get over that?

Or that he was unable to 'finish' when we were together and had no interest in being intimate with me during the majority of our relationship and even agreed that I should see a dr as I thought there was something physically wrong with me (having had a child I assumed that I had something wrong). He would keep going back to the p without me knowing, letting me believe that I was at fault for our intimate relationship.

How do I get over that?

There are 1,000 other thoughts in my head that I can't seem to get over. Everyday I wish I had never met him because I used to be a confident sexual person, now I feel like I am nothing. I am married and it was a mistake, I only wished I could have trusted my instincts.

Sorry this thread is long, I have so much inside that I don't know what to do with.

I wish I could stop being so angry.