[Avegan]

Jonah And The Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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Snap Happy

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a
doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead."

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A Circular Argument

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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He's Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want. God is watching the apples."

..........................................

Dear Beloved Pets:


The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim to it becoming either your food or dish, nor do I find that behavior aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. However, do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.


For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.


Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.

I cannot stress this enough!



To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short,hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion pounds for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!

..........................................

Oh dear haha.