[dave]

I've been hanging around this site for over a month. I have about 48 days P and M free but am still struggling - not so much with an urge to use P but to relieve my stress with M.
Eventually I may return to some M but the wisdom I have gained from this and related sites tells me that I need to face the issue of my use of sex for stress relief once and for all - so I am determined to stay M free for the near future and P free forever.

I first learned of sex when a male sexually abused me when I was about 5 or 6. It only happened twice that I can recall but it seemed to sensitize me to sex. At about 12 I found a P mag and learned to M the next year. M has been my buddy since then. I am now 56 so that is a long term relationship!

I have been married since 20 and some form of P has always been lurking in the background. I love my wife but her sex drive has always been quite low. I thought that M and P were my way of coping. We have had plenty of counselling and the sex relationship has generally balanced out ( at least on her part ) - despite my P use we have developed quite a mutual sex relationship - but I have kept at the P. Otherwise we are blessed with a good marriage and a good life - careers family etc.

In the last few years P has become compulsive - almost daily - sometimes more often. I got it in my head that I needed P and M to cope with our sexual differences but I realize that is largely a rationalization. P revs me up sexually so that I M daily or more and at 56 it is time to grow a little older and be happy with sex with her once or twice a week. I realize that most other members describe the opposite - P makes them less sexual with their partners. I seem to always want sex with my wife.

But this addiction/compulsion has become an ugly rut that I was stuck in.
Unlike some others on these sites my problem never escalated beyond surfing fairly normal movies but I sure saved a lot of them and used them habitually.

It has made me oversexed when I should be gradually aging and adjusting to my wife's pace. She is a very loving person and sex with her is good. The P became an obsession that came to rule my life and set sex up as such a huge priority. I'm not meaning to brag but basically I have a fairly balanced social life - good set of friends,. interests, church, career, etc but the P was an added feature that I can not live with anymore.

It was this little private island that I ran to every day because I thought I needed / deserved the stress release .

Of course another problem is the double standard and shame of my private island.
Living with 2 sets of very contradictory standards had scarred my soul in ways that I am just beginning to grapple with.

I'm getting long winded here so I'll take a break.

I have arranged to attend my first SA meeting tomorrow - it feels a little tense to think of identifying myself as a SA, but I am determined to get a grasp on why this has been such a millstone around my neck for so long. I need to learn how I can find freedom to live with myself and my wife sexually, without always feeling so sexually driven.

So if anyone is reading this - am I sort of on track ? I have a unique problem but so does everyone. In another post I will outline how I came to the realization that I have a problem .... how I seem to be able to live without P cravings ..... how I am still so ofte an emotional wreck with the physical urge to have sexual relief almost all the time - even after 40 some days clean !

I pray daily in thanks for my early recovery, for release from emotional instability, for relief of this sexual pressure.

Keep a thought and prayer for me as well if that's your thing.
D56