[s-w-i-f-t]

Well, the other day instead of bookmarking P sites, I bookmarked sites like this. That sure felt like an improvement in itself, so finally I took the plunge and signed up. My Ex, the anniversary of her death is today, so I'm kind of in a reflective mood anyway, was always saying I should get help. I danced around that of course, ignored it, cajoled her-- uh? lied to her moreover. ... So, I'm here. Which is good for me. I guess these things always come down to the addict seeking the trough sort of speak, so ... I'm not sure what I can tell you here. I've seen everything you can see I think online: {Edited: descriptions of types of pornography}. The more dangerous the better. I liked to hack into sites too. But it's not james bond stuff. On the hackdom scale I'm probably 3 or a 4. Probably more of a vulture than an actual hacker. It's hard to say MB was a major factor, though it happened of course. The closest comparison I can make is between P and video poker. Has anyone seen folks, or been one, who sat transfixed, zombie-like in front of those screens. The blinking lights, the endless pathways to newer or hidden things. 10 hours could easily slip away. I've been late to work, blown off relationships with real people, moved events around so I could troll. Needless to say the personal life is somewhat of a desert, and perhaps that's the main issue too. The mirror mirror of my addiction. I can't look at that like a sane individual, so I slip away into the insanity of P. But there are no doubt layers to all this, the desert is one.

For now, I'm content to do this board. Actual meetings are no doubt in my future, but SA meetings I'm weary of. I feel like I should drive to one 50 miles away from where I live and dress up like a rabbi or something, sit in the backrow with sunglasses. ... Writing this it occurs to me that all that kind of smells like shame. Hmmm? Anyway, anyone's suggestions for me growing a pair of sack to get to a meeting would be great. What did it take some of you? What was it like?