Hi all,
I'm 24 years old and my addiction to P spans more than half of these years. I, like many others here had sexual experiences as a child with a male family member. While some might say I was abused, all I know was that I was very excited and I craved the attention I got, and the "naughtyness" factor made it even more exciting. When I was 10ish my family got a computer and I started seeking out porn of young guys my age. Back then I wasn't very good at finding them... but the obsession with looking at porn became greater and greater. The secrecy of it all added to the excitement factor.
Over the years I spent hours and hours finding and downloading porn in secrecy. When I became desensitised to one type of porn I would move onto another.... and I began to realise I was needing more hard core porn to get off. I must have downloaded every kind of porn imaginable... and when I was in my late teens I discovered illegal pornography - a lot of it. The idea of doing something so forbidden and so frowned upon really added to the rush of doing it - for this I can't explain. But my craving for it came more and more and as I became a collector of lots of sick illegal porn.
When I was 22 years old, and living away from home, my computer broke down and the shop I took it to for fixing reported me to the authorities. I spent a year shaking in my boots before being sentenced for possession of objectionable pornography. I was lucky to escape a prison sentence and did some community service.
I did volunatarily (albeit to impress the judge), committ myself to a one year program for sex offendors. It helped me learn why illegal porn is so bad, and I learned a lot about myself. A number of times during that year I tried to quit P altogether... but I'd just always go back to it. I'm so drawn to it. I depend on it.
Now a couple of years later I can honestly say I haven't looked at illegal porn since my conviction... but I still look at porn... a lot. And I have come dangerously close to really innapropriate illegal content. I know your probably all thinking "quick, get rid of the internet, or install a porn filter" etc, and I think "of course that makes sense". I just feel so dependent on it though, and I really dont feel I have the motivation to get rid of one of the biggest pleasures in my life. So I really am struggling... I know P is evil, its bad for me, Its effecting my relationship with my partner (male) and its got me into trouble in the past. This should be enough to put anybody off it.. yet here I still am. How am I going to convince myself I need to stop and I need to stop now? Yes I am here at TTF, but I also know the next time I get bored and horny.... I'm going to go back to it
