[Mozart]

The principle of rigorous honesty requires this. I encouage everybody to carefully read the post by Guy and "Relapse"

This post is not going to be what you think and if you are fragile in your recovery, do not read it.

Obit
Here lies the Curious Voyager a man who learned late in life that he had always been better than he thought. A warrior who allowed his enemy to creep up on him in the daylight and lay him low.

Here lies a man, who valued honor over much but then dishonored himself and the memory of a friend; a man who cherished loyalty but in the end proved himself untrustworthy and unreliable; a man who admired honestly but lied to all, even his self. Here lies a man who wanted only to be good, to achieve holiness and did nothing but soil himself and disobey God, gods, nature, and worst of all violated his own conscience.

Here lies the shattered and broken warrior, cast aside as useless and unable to overcome bitterness and weakness of character. A sad pathetic excuse of a man better suited to life as a lab monkey than freedom.

Autopsy
The Curious Voyager died from terminal stupidity and chronic unawareness. There was a profound hardening of the attitude toward human weakness. There was extensive damage from recent stress induced by strong emotions and ignoring HALTS and factors found in “Guy’s Relapse” post. It appears the deceased had made very veiled attempts to ask for help but these were unnoticed even by the deceased until this autopsy.

Death was directly caused by the consumption of pornography Friday afternoon 17 July. The slip causing death happened suddenly and it appears the deceased did not see it coming and was unable to take corrective action. It looked as if he made a rational choice to numb his feelings, which resulted in guilt, shame and self-recriminations.

Birth
I am happy to announce that Tuesday 20 July a new life was born. The baby Curious Voyager was born into renewed recovery efforts. The birth was assisted by 2 SAs and 2 SOs from the no-porn board. He is a toddler and unsteady on his feet and prone to a lot of crying and does not sleep through the night.

I have thought and rethought, composed and recomposed, written and rewritten this post a thousand times this past few days. The ones to whom I turned will understand the format of this post because they have the details but as one said the details don’t mean much.

There are no words to sufficiently apologize to those who are hurt by my act. There are not explanations, excuses, justifications or mitigating factors to remove any guilt from what I have done. I have failed my self and I have failed you. It has ever been my goal to never harm another if possible and now I can only extend pain to those who I have disappointed.

I neither expect nor need sympathy. Kicks, 2X4s, or castigations may be heaped upon my head but I am numb to them. I experience a new grey void at the core of my being, a terrible empty sense of loss, a weird sense of betrayal and shame.

I have fallen but I crawl now and I will walk again. I am a man, inherently flawed and fragile, filled with weakness and regret. All I can do is try and that is what I will do.

I am so terribly sorry; you cannot begin to know how sorry I am. If I could go back to that Friday morning knowing, I would choose death over having to make this post. I would!

I expect that I will have little else to say now.

Mozart (CV)